Remember me?

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the "good ol' days" - which really means those times I used to drink myself into oblivion and all I did was party party party all the time. The bright spot is that when I'm telling the stories, I can control which ones I tell and what I reveal about my sordid history. When I'm with other people who have stories, luckily the only people I'm ever around who were there during those times, have good memories too. The few times I was in dark places, and weird situations, whoever I may have been with at the time, those people are no longer in my life. So I can have these stories told and be okay because I know nothing really terrible will be revealed.

The truly odd thing about it all is, it almost seems like I'm telling stories about someone else. Like all those things happened to a different person. And in a way, I suppose they did. They happened to someone who was not who I am now.

If you ask me why I stopped drinking, I can tell you a lot of different reasons. I was out of control. I was angry all the time. My body was not functioning at full capacity. I didn't like who I was. I didn't like how I felt. I didn't want to be my baby niece's drunk auntie. But ask me why I was drinking so much in the first place, and I have nothing. Sure, I enjoyed the taste of certain drinks. I liked to sip whiskey hot in the winter. I liked a cold margarita in the summer. I liked having wine with girlfriends. I liked shots of Jager to keep the party going. But why did I need to drink more than 10 shots of Jager in a night? Why did I need to go out almost every night of every week so I could get plastered? Why did I put myself in dangerous situations? Why? Even I don't have the answers. But I am constantly grateful that I made the decision to stop drinking and the strength that I have found to stay sober for the last 5.5 years.

I don't think of myself as an extreme sort of person, but maybe I am. Because I went from drinking too much, to not drinking at all. From partying every night, to being a totally chill homebody. From being a crazy social being, to this hermit state.

This isn't regret or wistful nostalgia. It's just a reflection on how much a person can change in 5 years, or from one decade to the next. And at the heart of it all, maybe I am the same.

"Not all those who wander are lost." - JRR Tolkien

A girl walked into a bar... Ouch.

Wow I haven't posted anything since last August. I want to say that it is because I am too busy having a life and being cool, but the reality is probably more along the lines of I was really sad for a long time after my grandfather passed away last August, and then I was very uninteresting. Not that I have anything interesting going today that warrants posting...

In December, I celebrated 3 years of sobriety. It came and went very quietly and wasn't exactly a celebration, but I patted myself on the back and said, "Good job, Holly." After all, my own validation is all I need these days.

In February, I was at a birthday party. Instead of having someone bring me a juice like I normally do, I went to the bar myself and ordered. After telling the bartender what I wanted, I inhaled. In that moment, I wanted a drink more than I have at any point in the last couple of years. Was that my first time standing at a bar in 3 years? Was it the overwhelming odor of booze in the air? I don't know, I can't recall. Whatever it was, I felt weak. Then the bartender I guess was hearing challenged because instead of a Cranberry Juice, he poured a very not juiced up Vodka Cran. WTF buddy. I told him my order 3 times too. But I couldn't stand there anymore; I quickly left the bar and handed off the drink to someone else and took some time to inhale and exhale. I guess it doesn't matter how long I'm sober for, once in awhile, I'm always going to want to drink something alcoholic. And all I can hope is that I'm always strong enough to not take the drink.

brothers are dumb

my brother is a little bitch. he's the baby of the family and the only boy so he is spoiled, lazy, and thinks he's entitled to shit that he hasn't earned. he has spent his entire life in someone else's shadow, always striving but never being good enough. and he will never be good enough because he doesn't try hard enough. he puts in the minimal effort required and then he quits. everything he has ever tried to do, he has quit for some bullshit reason or another. he's stuck in a bullshit relationship where he does not wear the pants and instead constantly takes his gf's abuse. she puts him down in public, belittles him, and makes him feel like he's stupid and worthless. as a result, he has allowed himself to believe that he is stupid and worthless. and because he believes this is so, he now consistently acts stupid and worthless. normally i don't really care. i mean, if you want to be a failure at life, that's your problem. but now his useless behavior has spilled over and affected me so i'm all angry and shit. and i don't really get angry much these days because sober me doesn't find as much to be angry about. but he makes me angry. and being angry makes me... frustrated. because i don't know what to do with it. i have no one to yell at because he is not here. i have to resist the temptation to break things because that is immature and childish. i can't scream because that would make the neighbours call the police.
when i was an angry person, i was also a raging alcoholic. i would get angry and then i would drink. and then i would drink until i no longer felt anything and it was wonderful to be free of emotion. feeling the way i do now, it's like it all makes sense why i kept drinking. i was angry because of drinking, and because i was physically and mentally exhausted from pushing myself to maintain the party lifestyle to hide the drinking problem. in addition, the excessive drinking kept me from getting proper rest even when i was able to sleep. so i was angry because i was drinking, and drinking because i was angry. and now i'm just good and properly angry and i don't know what to do with myself. i can't drink it away because i refuse to let one little shit ruin my progress. i think i will do laundry. maybe that will help. stupid little miserable human being. blah.

Smile and Nod

Sometimes I think I'd like to go on a binger. And what would happen. Would it be completely destructive? Not just to the self, but to all those who surround me as well. Would it begin a new downward spiral or could I control it? Who would I be then if Sobriety no longer defined me? Does Sobriety define me?? Maybe not. But when I was drinking, I can say that drinking defined me. It led to all my bad choices...all those days of regret and repent. How many times did I say "I'm never drinking again"? How many times did I vow to make a change? And how many times have I succeeded? Just this once. What if I went back on that? How bad could it be?
I get why it's a Disease. Because I don't think I'll ever be Cured. Not really. It will always fester in either a small or large part of my brain and exist. It will always be an idea, a thought, a temptation, an inkling, a calling, a longing. There will always be that niggling feeling, a part of me that wonders how it would taste, how it would feel, what would the effects be... There will be a part of my brain that shouts, "Let's find out!" And I will have to fight and remember that I am stronger than that. That I am better. That I can do what's right and succeed. And survive.
And then I will shut down the little dark drunky ball in my mind and carry on and no one will be the wiser that I just had this whole conversation - this whole debate - in my head. Smile and nod. Smile and not. Remember why. Carry on.

771

I kind of feel like a fraud. So many people have these totally debilitating addictions that they need rehab and AA and interventions for. They have these stories that are way worse than my worst night. They have all these issues that cause their lives to be these dark dark pits of emptiness and substance abuse. And then there's me. I've done some stupid things and had some bad nights. I've heard a lot of stories where I was the star but I have no memory of the events that took place. But nothing near as devastating as what some other people go through. And while it's great that I can say I'm over 2 years sober and it was a hard road to get me to this place, I feel like I'm just a fraud with a fake addiction.

700

it doesn't feel like 700. it doesn't even feel like almost 2 years, which is coming up in 30 days. maybe because sometimes i have these dreams where i decide to drink and then i drink and drink and i wake up in a total panic because i thought i was weak and slipped and had a drink or ten. but then i realize that i'm awake now and it was just a dream. a dream that felt real.
some days it's become really easy to not pay attention to people if they're drinking around me and to not think about it. some days. other days i want to drink. and every once in awhile, i even think i want to have a rock star night where i just drink myself into oblivion. and this doesn't happen when i'm sad or having a rough day or anything. i have these cravings for no reason. i've always had these cravings for no good reason. except now that i don't give in to them, i'm a generally happier and healthier human being. and isn't that reason enough to not do it?
at 700 i'm feeling pretty good.

30

Just turned 30 the other day. Doesn't feel different. But I remember it, so that's an improvement from most of my 20s. In fact, looking back, a lot of my 20s are a blur. So this decade of my life, I will be Sober, and I will remember things. Or at least, what I can with what's left of my remembering cells. 30. I tried to quit drinking the first time around... I want to say 24 but who really knows. It didn't stick until I was 28. Now I'm 30. I've been dry for almost 2 years. A huge change is that I'm weepy now. Maybe that's Sobriety, maybe it's my old lady hormones. Except that 30 isn't old. I don't feel old. But I feel weepy. Things make me cry that didn't before. TV or movie moments that are poignant for the family onscreen. Saying good-bye. Other people crying. Situations that remind me of something emotional in my life- even if I wasn't able to show emotion when it happened. Now I really feel all those formerly suppressed feelings. Is it Sobriety or is it 30? Who knows... But I think I like this Me. Definitely an improvement over crazy drunk angry Me.

At the time of this posting, my grampa is in the hospital again. The doctors told my uncle something cryptic about it not looking good and tell family members. I hold onto the hope that I will see him when I go in 2 weeks. I will stay positive and stop being all weepy about it. I will see him in 2 weeks. And I will tell him I'm 30 now and thank him for being my best friend when I was 3. 30 is going to be a good year.

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And then sometimes, I go out

Last night was one of my bestests' staggette. I should say local stag since we already hit up Vegas in June. And nothing compares to Vegas. NOTHING! But we had a fantastic time last night...
After sobriety, I discovered all the things I hate about this city. And it came down to one thing: the people. In the midst of the beauty and serenity that is BC, there is this hub in the middle of the Lower Mainland where all the posers gravitate. These are the sheltered folks who don't understand that there is more to life than your circle of drug dealing friends with lots of money. There is more than having large fake breasts or long blonde hair (black if you're Asian) or ridiculously fake eyelashes and enough makeup on your face to make Steven Tyler pretty. There is more than expensive clothing, LV handbags, and Louboutin shoes. There is more than bedazzled Ed Hardy tees and fauxhawk haircuts and steroids to make your muscles big. But here is where the arrogant, self-centered, pretentious, obnoxious, trendy, hipster, yuppie, yappie types all come to "play." And let's get real here- their idea of a good time isn't throwing down, drinking too much, and having a good time. They prefer to pose on the sidelines and stare down everyone else. And when they do move, they bowl everyone else down because they think they're better. This picture is what the party scene looks like to me now. Gone are the days when I can show up in a t-shirt and just jam. Now you gotta put on your face and dress like a skank (if you can afford it, at least you can look like a classy skank), and pose for awhile in order to be accepted. But last night, we were decked out for our themed stagette night. We also had masks that made us feel like superheroes- awesome yet anonymous! Unfortunately, it was very Superman/Clark Kent because I was still recognized, but whatever, for awhile I believed in the disguise! And it felt like back in the day when I could just go out and throw down like no one's judging. Of course we hit a glitch when our bachelorette's fiance's crazy (like psycho crazy) bitch ex appeared and she tried to fight us (by try I mean she lunged and let her friends "hold her back"). But we won anyway because we had a blast, boys loved us, and we were awesome! She was just miserable and hateful and not fun to be around.
One of the great things about last night was being hit on by young boy people. It's a great feeling when a fresh-faced youngun who can't grow facial hair tells you you're pretty and asks you to dance. Especially when you say thanks, but you're too young for me and he says, "but I'm almost 20!" Because in 36 days, I'll be 30 dude. And another boy told me he wished he was 7 years older so I would give him a chance. It's a club, they're young, and just looking to party. I get that. But I can't dance with you if you can't keep up!
At the end of the night, I was crawling into bed just before 6am and wondering how I made it through without dying of exhaustion at my seasoned age (oh yes, ran into someone who called me old, said I used to be the prettiest girl in the scene, and tried to cover by saying I'm still hot, and I'm not old just seasoned-thanks pal). Today my body hurts, my head feels like I'm hungover even though I didn't drink, and I'm just so tired! I won't be doing this again anytime soon, but man, that was a good night. And here's the recipe: Special Occassion + Good Friends + 2 Whips + 10 Masks + a ton of Booze for the imbibers + 2 Free burgers (even after someone puked in the drive-thru lane) + Pole/Lap dance practice + No line/cover + a Shower to wash off the beer and tequila on my legs = Success!! Don't be jealous because I'm awesome.
On that note, I wish haters would find their own little bits of awesome instead of just hating all the time. How exhausting it must be to be a negative person.

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606 Days

I guess this is a good sign. Day 600 came and went, and I didn't even think about it being significant. The milestones are getting further apart. I think when I hit 7 years though, I'll go get myself a killer neck tattoo like Aldous Snow. Or something. It's become a lot easier to say no now. Mostly because I've come so far. Being past 600 days makes me really really not want to go back to 0. And after all the times I've quit and started again, I know now that social drinking is not an option. It always starts with just one. Most importantly, I've learned a lot about myself. Maybe I'm not addicted to drinking anymore. But now I'm addicted to my Blackberry. I'm addicted to TV. But these are things that won't make me feel sick, so I accept these addictions as a lesser evil. I guess this is just an update, in case you were wondering. I am 606 days sober and I feel really good about it.

the complete opposite

i did something weird today. weird for a sunday in town, that is. i woke up early, i got out of my pyjamas, and i left my house. and then, i didn't try to come back right away. i stayed out!! crazy right?

i headed down to http://www.followmefoodie.com/ and nicole marie events' Vancouver's 1st Cupcake Challenge. it was so cool! as soon as i got there, i knew it was something special because the crowd was intense. i made my way in and sampled one of the last of Cake Tease's lemon something or another cupcakes. it was yummy! then i had one of Indulgence's chocolate something or another and it was okay. very thick and rich. i like my cupcakes light and fluffy. which was why when i hit Bon Gateau right after and sampled their chocolate, i felt like i was in cupcake heaven. i also had one of Frosting's delicious Love Potion cupcakes and Big City's vanilla celebration. i tried a couple of other things too but i can't remember it all now. i was just reaching in and grabbing what i could in that crazy crowd lol. after getting my fix, i volunteered and helped out because that's what friends do and i like helping. helping is rewarding. by staying, i was rewarded with one of Bon Gateau's Mango cupcakes. omg. i don't even like mango anything and i LOVED this cupcake. it was all light and fluffy and tasty and delicious. YUM!!

then as i left, i walked toward the train and instead of getting on it, i waited for my friend m to reply to me and (finally) he did! so i met up with him and his girl and we walked. we walked down to the seawall and we walked out to english bay (and paused for a "drink" - i had a non-alc OJ) and we walked through the remnants of car-free-fest on denman and we walked up robson and we walked to the city ctr train and that was the end of our walk but damn that was a lot of walking. but the fantastic part was just hanging out and catching up with my friend! i feel a little bad that i didn't get to know his girl as well as i could have, but we just had so much to talk about. that's what happens when you hide from people. and when you choose pj's over going out. lol.

but today i was outside all day and i enjoyed it. i socialized with several people and i didn't run away. i also didn't freak. big day for me. haha! i think that it's not that i'm scared of people, i just don't want to be around that many of them. but when i am, i can do it. as long as there are people i like around, i'll always be okay. so maybe - MAYBE - i will get out more. we'll see...

how do i feel this good sober?

i just got back from vegas. i spent all this time agonizing about how i was going to get through this 4-day weekend sober. i haven't been sober in vegas since i was a teenager. and between then and now, there were a lot of trips to vegas. trips i barely remember! but i know they were fun. i often think that sober holly isn't very fun. i mean, i sit around a lot in my pyjamas and watching so much tv that i believe jack bauer is real. i have little desire to go out. maybe it's this city. everything is expensive and you get all dressed up and go out and then it's just disappointing. the people are pretentious and shallow. and sober, i just don't feel like trying. but vegas, you can't go to vegas and be a bum. esp if you're there for a stag(ette). so i went to vegas and i wanted to drink. i wanted to drink jager and i wanted to drink goose and i wanted to drink margaritas in the sunshine. i have to say, this was probably one of the worst times in the last year and a half.
to compensate, i drank a lot.. of energy drinks. because without the kick, i couldn't have kept up. i would have wanted to sleep. a lot. so i had red bull. i had rock star. i had monster. i had coffee. and i was cracked out. but when you're like, super awake and ready to rock, the alcohol cravings die. so i guess it's a matter of the lesser of 2 evils. plus, it's been easier to wean off the intense caffiene that it was to quit drinking.
since i've been back, i've had only coffee. i had 2 yesterday but only 1 today. of course, i've also been falling asleep A LOT on my couch. but dude, who comes back from vegas and doesn't need sleep? esp since i jumped back into the work thing.
man am i tired.
anyway, i made it through the weekend. i partied hard and did it all in high heels and i fought my cravings and i made it home sober. that feels pretty damn good. and i think for the most part, i was still pretty damn fun! i say for the most part because i had a turning point where i was not fun. i was good ol' angry holly. which reminded me of drunk angry holly. which brought me back to being really happy about being sober. lol. but that was just a glitch. this was def in the top 3 in terms of trips to vegas!! 4 days, 3 nights, 1 stag, 1 wedding, lots of caffiene, and late night eating in the company of some of my favorite people! good freaking times.
btw. congrats to my beautiful friend S and her man! i'm so happy and honored to have been even a small part of such a special day!
ok i'm going back to sleep now. because that's all i've done since i've been home. work, eat, poop, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up, sleep. lol.

500 Days

and the most amazing part? when i spend time with my niece, i don't even think about it. i don't think i want to drink, i don't think i miss drinking, it doesn't even cross my mind. and now there are 2 of them to keep me strong. those 2 little people are the best part of my life.

365 Days Later

I did it! Just me. I mean, I had support and thank you Friends, I'd be nowhere without you. But mostly, I did it. I was the one who said no and didn't need some stranger telling me what to do or how to do it. I didn't need to stand up in a room full of people I don't know and tell them my stories. I stopped being ashamed and told people I knew what was going on with me. It is so much more empowering and fulfilling to tell it to people who actually know me. To admit that I made mistakes. To admit I was damn lucky nothing really bad ever happened to me during the Crazy Days. To admit that I made secret decisions that affected the people around me and were harmful to myself. To admit that I screwed up and screwed around and woke up one day realizing that's not who I want to be. I didn't want to be the girl with the Party rep. I didn't want to be Alyssa's drunk aunt. I didn't want to be angry and tired all the time. But that's who I was. And now I'm not. And I can get through hard times and sad times and good times without a drink. It's been 365 days and I'm just proud that I got here. And I thank everyone who ever raised pom poms for me. Everyone who ever believed in me. Everyone who supported me and didn't judge me and are still around because they like me just as much Sober. I couldn't have done it without you.

xoxox


Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

what the eff. the king is dead.

and while in most instances these days, people would be referring to the king of pop, i am not. i am referring to the debacle that is my father's b-day party. i am at the point where i do not even want to go. i just don't care anymore.

so here's the deal. the old man is turning 60. and his bday is not actually until november, but he wanted to do the party on halloween. and i said, if that's the case, it will have to be a costume party. that would have been fun right? doesn't matter. my sister decided that his party should be over a long weekend so as to make it easier for them to attend from the prairies. so one would think november long weekend since there isn't any conflict there. except that he doesn't want to celebrate after the fact. and he's getting another all expenses paid trip to asia. so october long weekend it was. at this point the only other family he has in town can't make it because they made plans long ago because he told them his party would be in november. way too complicated already.

so he finds a hall to throw this bash. yay! but he wants everyone to be dressed all formal. boo! the hall has murals on the wall, streamers on the ceiling, and red and white checkered tablecloths. see how formal isn't really the attire one would think to wear at a venue like this? but that's even a moot point. who cares how people dress? not me. i'm just about judging people. no matter what class your outfit falls into, if it's awful, i will secretly think mean mean thoughts regardless. that makes me chuckle.

my biggest ish has been the guestlist. every day he is adding and removing people. there is a rsvp by date for a reason. that reason is organization. i'm a huge fan. he doesn't know the meaning of the word. so he wants me to hold off on finalizing his table arrangements and printing out the stuff i need until he is ready. he thinks he'll be ready on saturday 5 minute before we leave the house. i'm giving him until later tonight. because i'm tired of it. i'm just tired. but even more bizarre? he wants us to go set up the venue tonight. how can we set up a venue when the more important thing regarding the set up is the number of people coming and where they are sitting? i can't print those off yet!! idiot!

he wanted to sing all night long and turn it into a concert. but i'm going to go ahead and say that not all of your audience is fan of the music. shiz i don't even think all of the audience is a fan of you. and i can 100% guarantee that one spunky former redhead at table 2 is not a fan of yours at all. so hold the phone, i'm going to come up with stuff to actually make this party fun! because that's what i do best - have fun.

and now that i've spent the money and come up with the ideas and did all the hard work, you're going to tell me that i do not know how to throw/organize a party of this magnitude and i'm incompetent!!?? talk about ungrateful. i haven't slept in days. i am barely eating too, because there is no time to go to work, do all of the crap i have to for his party, and get in some me-time. i have forgone spending quality time with people that i actually like so that i can go to dollar stores and find things that i need at a decent price point. and i could have picked the ugly gold elephants!! but i didn't!! i spent a dollar more per item and got the cute wooden blocks!

i called him this morning to ask him to tell me about the charity that he has chosen for the 50/50 draw and he told me he is on the board of directors. dude, i don't care if you're the custodian, i just want to know who benefits and how. and when i asked that (in a normal way, i wasn't a bitch yet), he said i was being a stupid jerk. well you know what? fuck you and fuck your stupid party. just because you dress up like elvis, it doesn't make you the fucking king. it makes you a douchebag. he has shown absolutely no appreciation for anything!! because i don't know anything about a party of this magnitude. well guess what? if i took my spreadsheets that you don't like, and my lists that you don't think work, and all my little signs and my pretty guestbook and all my boxes and envelopes and pictures, your party would SUCK. and if i didn't put in all those hours poring through the pictures of your ugly face and then stay up all night scanning them, you wouldn't have a slideshow. and if i didn't have friends who like me, there would be no one else helping to do anything. stupid grumpy forgetful self-involved self-absorbed inconsiderate old man.

if i wasn't 2 days away from 300 i would've started imbibing today at noon.

i need to get gruntled

i don't know what's up my butt lately, but i'm becoming seriously disgruntled. mostly i guess it's because i've become one of those people who is unhappy at work. seeing as i spend 8 hours a day here, plus a couple hours commuting, i would say most of my waking hours revolve around work. and i know at some point i wrote about how much i liked my job. well somewhere between then and now, i discovered unhappiness. as days go by, things pop up that lead me to dislike my situation more and more. the main cause is that i feel underappreciated. i was told this would happen, so it's not like i wasn't warned. but it's this funny little thing where the longer you're around, the better you perform, the less they like and appreciate you. that's why people leave. i want to be one of those people. if you or someone you know would like to hire me, please do.

add to that the random idiocy that gets thrown in. just this morning i had a little episode of racism. and was she apologetic or better yet, recognize that she was being a racist bitch? no. she just kept talking. and now i'm going to pay by being the recipient of her further bitchiness because of course i'm clearly the one who was wrong. i have no tolerance for stupidity.

it rains. actually, it pours. hard. it's like the little raincloud that was over my head yesterday just expanded and decided to take over the entire lower mainland. i like it.

in other news, i want to drink. most likely because i'm disgruntled. i am 242 days sober, and all i can think about is how great it would be to just go home and kick back with a bottle of wine. every day i go home and open up the drink fridge. i had 3 bottles of white chilling when i gave up the sauce and i never could take them out... one by one they have been consumed. i don't know when or by whom, but there's part of one left. and i look at them wistfully and think, you could be in my belly. and then close the fridge and walk away. and a part of me thinks, who the f is drinking my shiz? and then another part of me thinks, better them than me. and then i just have to do something else and not think about it. i was sitting at a bar a couple of days ago for a few hours. and the whole time i thought about all the things i could have been drinking. but all i had was a blended juice and a hot tea. yesterday i was sitting in a pub sipping on iced tea. no wonder i don't like going out anymore. everywhere i go, people are drinking. everyone drinks. everyone but me. sobriety sucks.

and sometimes, the good guy wins

earlier this week, my stalker quit and walked out. and as king michael sang so eloquently, she's out of my life, and i couldn't be more pleased! i didn't know how much it bothered me until i knew she was gone - and it was like this huge weight off my shoulders. because the thing is, i like work. i like coming to work, i like my job, i have friends here, and work isn't that bad. and for awhile, i was a little more negative about work. i would wake up some mornings and just dread the idea of having to go into the office. and there were days when i'd get here and when i went to go make the coffee, my morning quiet was broken by the sound of her obnoxious voice and her ignorant comments. and while i'm sure most people have a person at their work who can be annoying, i'm also pretty sure that said annoying person(s) didn't steal your name and lie about a relationship with your brother. so stalker freak hasn't been performing to par - how could she when she was never in her office, never picked up calls, rarely returned calls, and spent more time outside smoking or in the lunch room being rude? (and when she was in her office, she was on facebook - so productive.) as her life unravelled (from what i gather she had to get a divorce from her common-law, take advantage of unsuspecting insurance agents to get gifts and rides, and had no friends), i was here being unhappy because of her presence on a daily basis. plus, i had to constantly hold back the urge to tell her that LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! and i have to say, now that she is out of a job, out of love, and out of my life, i feel really really good about it. f being the bigger person, i am glad that her life sucks. [and i think it was pretty big of me to not punch her in the throat every time i saw her.]

in addition to this awesomeness, canada day fell midweek so we had a nice little day off. i got to spend it eating with friends and sharing many laughs. i like days like that. i like my friends.

and since things do happen in 3s, i am happy to declare today as 200 Days Sober day. there were a lot of 'days' in that sentence, but i don't care. i am happy! woo woo!

150 Days

i am on the brink of 150 days of sobriety. 150 days. on the one hand, i feel like i should be really proud of myself. on the other, it's like, peanuts. plus, i still want to drink. not all the time like i used to, but a lot of the time. when i'm at someone's house and there's a bottle of wine all chilled and pretty and opened and just sitting there whispering, "drink me" and i can't. when i'm involved in wedding planning conversations - not because of the stress or painfulness of wedding planning. that part i can actually deal with. it's the idea of attending a wedding and getting through an entire day without drinking. i have never been sober at a wedding. maybe once actually. that night is blocked out subconsciously though for other reasons that i will not get into here and now. i think i was dying for a drink though. and i left early. so that didn't work out very well. when the canucks lost to the blackhawks in a very emotional game 6 in round 2. man i wanted to drink and drink and drink and not go to work the next day. the canucks were the only thing that provided excitement and made me forget about wanting to drink. until they lost. *sigh. sometimes i want to go out and party, but i don't like partying sober, so i don't do that.
150 days is such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, i'm really feeling like i just don't know what to do with myself. i mean, other than watching my tv shows, watching movies, watching thc canucks play, reading books, and the occassional hanging with friends, i feel like i just have no interest in anything else. i don't want to go anywhere or do anything that requires effort. and that's sad. because i am capable of being more fun than this. and i'm just not right now. sobriety sucks.

i need a vacation after my vacation

i realize that i'm terribly inconsistent with this blogging thing. that's why i stopped using xanga after awhile (that, and it just got too damn complicated). but just because i forget to make time to come online and write random poop, doesn't mean my mind isn't constantly rolling out thoughts. but with tv being so good these days, who has time to just write? but now that i've finished reading the 4th twilight book and my dad is watching tv, guess i could spare a few for my 3 followers.

i'm indecided on where to start. i mean, sobriety is always there, lingering around everything that i do. every time someone asks if i want something to drink, even if they're referring to a non-alcoholic bev, my first thought is booze. i want to drink. but i say no. i was at this awesome party recently and the last time i hung out with all those people i drank till i ran into a wall and passed out. i wanted to drink with them. but i didn't. and i just kinda hung out instead and was a little less social than i could have been. it's hard. at least one person noticed and told me he was proud of me. that felt pretty good. in fact, most of the time it does feel nice when people comment on how well i'm doing. but sometimes it means nothing and i just want to drown my self-pity in a bottle of something delicious like asti. sobriety sucks.

so i finally got my chance to visit my gramparents in america. even though i took the time off and bought the plane ticket and was there, i feel kinda crappy in retrospect because i think i could have tried to spend more time with them, but i also wanted to have fun on my trip so i didn't. although, one day that i meant to be there for my gramps, i was completely thwarted by circumstance so i had to go babysit a newborn instead. great baby, so easy, lots of poop. so the first time i got to see my gramps, i went to their house with one of my cousins. she's been helping them clean out the house they have lived in since they moved to america. no joke, this house has more crap than the dump. she goes there for a few hours a week and just cleans out stuff. on that day i helped sort through boxes of old magazines and calendars, shoes, clothes, and documents. you have to flip through all the crap just to make sure there are no hidden treasures. and my gramma just comes around once in awhile to tell us NO! keep those! but the problem is that if she could have it her way, she'd keep everything! i found a calendar from 1994. there were suits from when my uncle was a small child. my grampa has more clothes than i do. he was a very dapper dresser in his day though, so i think that's actually pretty cool. let's backtrack. when i got to the house, after greeting my gramma, i went to say hi to my grampa. usually when he sees me he is very surprised and delighted because even though my gramma always knows when i'm coming to town, he never does. but it's cool because he lights up like a kid at christmas. i have always known that i'm one of his favorites. i know that people aren't supposed to have favorite anythings, but he couldn't help himself. i used to live there and he was my babysitter. he hung out with me when everyone else had to work. kinda odd now that i think about it because - why didn't he work? lol. but he'd take me with him to do his random shit, see his random people, and hang out while he played mah jong with other old people. he used to make fun of me in the car, where i rode in the front seat without a car seat because back then no one knew that it wasn't safe. i remember he had a blue town car and there was a doggy thing that had a bobble head that would sway as he drove. he used to make me sandwiches and cut them into 4 strips so that they would easily go into my little mouth. back then, my grampa was my best friend. i was only 3, what did i know? so this time i walked in and he was just sitting there, in his chair, eating some food, watching tv. and he was surprised, but not in his usualy delighted way. even though when he went home a month ago, they said he was going to be alright and he was doing his exercises and ready to go home, in that month he deteriorated to a zombie. ok, maybe not that bad, but it wasn't good. he couldn't remember my name. he knew that i was my mother's daughter, but he couldn't remember my name. and then it didn't seem to bug him that he couldn't remember. he just wanted to get back to eating and watching tv. and even when i went to sit with him after we did our cleaning for a couple hours, he still didn't seem to know or care that i was there. he looked up when i started channel surfing his tv, but then he just seemed resigned to watching whatever was on because it's not like he understood any of it anyway.

that made me really sad. i know it's not about me. and i know that i should not be sitting here feeling sorry about it because i'm not there. i haven't been there since the first day that he fell. i could have gone down there sooner but i couldn't handle visiting him in a hospital so soon after my evil gramma died in one. i waited until he was back at home. that was completely selfish. if i had gone sooner, he might have even known who i was. i waited till he became this person to go see him.

he went back into the hospital a few days after that. besides his state of being, which was making my aunts and uncles consider finding him a home to live in because it was getting too difficult for my gramma to take care of him and he was refusing to do anything, he also developed some sores from sitting and not exercising. and something got opened and infected so he needed a surgical procedure to remove the abcess. did i spell that right? i went to see him as soon as i could. as i said, i was thwarted from going the day he went in because i had to watch a newborn -my uncle had to go see a dr himself and my aunt had to bring in one of their doggies to be put to sleep. it wasn't a good day. well, maybe it kinda was because i got to spend time with my new little cousin and she won't remember this time, but i will. so i went to see him in the hospital before i left. his dr had recommended a home for him to move to because he makes rounds there regularly. somehow, it's the same home that my great gramma was living at before she died. the same home where my sister put the car in neutral and it rolled and she was lucky no one got hurt including the car. the same home where i saw my mom cry for the first time because there was a time in her life when her gramma was her best friend. but i'm getting ahead of myself. i went to see my grampa and i didn't know what to expect because he had been really tired the day before and wouldn't wake up even when ppl went to see him. he'd just gotten out of his procedure that morning and i just didn't know how much energy he would have or what meds he was on. but it was not at all bad. he woke up when i went in and he knew who i was. my aunt asked him what my name was and he looked at her like she was stupid and said my name like it was the most obvious answer in the world. i didn't know how badly i was feeling about him forgetting me until i realized how great it felt when i remembered. and i think he was about as lit as one can be while on meds and post-surgery. and even though he fell asleep after that and i couldn't even wake him up to eat, i know that he opened his eyes when i kissed him goodbye and i know that he knew who i was. i went to see my gramma after that and i checked out the home he'd be moving into. as i walked up the front steps i knew that was somewhere i had been before, even if it was over 25 years ago. my gramma seems to be doing well, i'm really not worried about her. but i hope with all of my heart that i will see my grampa again. since i've been home, i know they had him moved into the home. i've heard that he doesn't really like it there and that he's having a harder time remembering people. i wish i could have stayed longer. i wish i could go back. i wish a lot of things. i know that he is a stubborn old man and that he can be mean. but i hope that he's comfortable.

the sad thing is that as we grow older, so do all the older people around us. i'm not really prepared for any more losses. and while i don't want to talk about my gramps like this is the end, because i don't think that it is, it's like i have been preparing myself for it. i was caught so off-guard when my evil gramma died; maybe i'm just trying to be mentally ready for when it happens again. is that morbid? awful? i don't even know. but i also don't think that i'll ever really be ready for it. guess i can only hope that every time i go back he'll still be there, hopefully lighting up when he sees me.

I Don't Want To Get Up Today

so i'm writing this in bed. because i haven't gotten up yet. because i don't want to. because bed is nice. and because i got in late last night (early this morning). because my friends are idiots. because they drink. and that's what happens when people drink!

last night we went out because it was the very last night for a club that we have been going to for years. before this, there was only one other club closing that was sad. this is a place where we made so many memories, witnessed so many crazy happenstances, consumed so much alcohol, and had such great times! for anyone who cares (b/c 2 whole people read this...) i was totally sober all night!! and i'm not angry about it. this weekend i was out friday and saturday (so rare) and both nights, i wasn't even worried about succumbing to the temptations of boozing, even on the very last night of a club where all we used to do was drink! i was so good! i'm very proud of myself. i have been sober for 76 days. that is a big deal to me.

but having said that, there has to be a but because i'm ornery like that. had it been just the guys, it would've been fine, but m decided to come out and she's nice and everything, but really - holy downer batman! she didn't even give it a chance. from the beginning she was resolved to be bored and miserable or something. and that's just what i need - somebody asking me over and over and over (and over) how can i have fun sober? i don't know how you do it - how do you do it? and like really, it's called a positive attitude sweetheart. maybe if you shut your piehole long enough to absorb the good times that everyone else is trying to have and make a small attempt at it yourself you wouldn't be so lame! i know that it's cheesy, but really, as long as i have a good outlook, things usually do work out. i woke up friday and thought to myself - TODAY IS A GREAT DAY! and all day long, i told everyone that. and it worked, because i put everyone else in the same awesome mood i was in and we all had great days! and yesterday i wasn't thinking about having a great day, but once we decided to go out, i was resolved to have a good time. because i don't have to drink when i go out to have a good time. i can be sober. and sober can be fun. there are soooo many people to make fun of and red bull gives me energy and you never know who you might run into (of course i ran into the most drunk and degenerate of all people i know in this city go figure). and dancing is the only form of exercise i ever partake in willingly so i'm sure that's a bonus somehow. i've totally lost the point of this paragraph so moving on now.

go figure on a crazy sober night i run into the most drunk and degenerate of all people i know in vancouver. i know i said that already, but this was a guy that i met back in university. and during those days no lie, i made exactly 3 friends. in all the years i went to school at ubc, i made 3 whole friends. 1 i have lost complete contact with. 2 is on fb, but we don't really talk or anything. and 3 is my random run-in friend now as i live the sober lifestyle and he is drunk all the time. maybe he's not, i don't know. lol. it started with a group project i think. or maybe it started because he sat next to me or near me every class because he thought i was cute. but he ended up being in my group. and we each thought the other would be smart enough to carry the project but we ended up hating the stupid long peom we were reading and luckily had enough charisma between us to fake it. we actually did really well. but what we found out from that group project was that we both really really liked to drink. and so began lunches at the pub and drinks between classes. i know, very sad, but that's how we became friends. now years later, he's drunkenly spitting that i'm money and just made it an awesome night and how can i be sober when we can have so much fun drinking? but then again sober i can probably tell what people really look like and be so amused by it all. and he never asked me to drink with him or pressured me to crack. in fact, at the end of it all, he said that he will look to me for inspiration now because i'm an example of people who have fun sober lol. look at that, i went from once being a drunken degenerate myself to being a positive influence on someone else. CRAZY!

i always tell myself that some days will be better than others, but i think this weekend was a turning point. i wasn't angry about not drinking at all. i was angry at some point when i was trying to go home and it was 3am and my idiot friends were being drunken idiots who didn't want to get into the car, but you know, that was just me grumpy. and i did not think a drink would make me feel better. i'm definitely making progress and i think i'm getting close to the point where i have more good days than bad. hooray!!

is it just me, or is everybody stupid?

so i don't know if this is just that stage in recovery where i'm really angry or if i'm perfectly justified in the things that have been annoying me. or maybe i'm justified but still overreacting a smidgeon. or perhaps there really is nothing wrong with me at all, and everybody sucks. all i know is, this last week, i've been really angry. it's not like all the time ranting and raving and yelling at people angry, it's just the smallest things irritate me so much and i really want to punch someone in the face and kick them while they're down (because my punch is that powerful). i have so many things driving me nuts right now i don't even know where to start!

as some of you may or may not know, i have a stalker. maybe she's not really stalking me, but over 10 years ago she stole my name and now she works in my building. so really, really she's not stalking me? i don't know. but it's more fun to just say 'the stalker' as opposed to 'the girl that stole my name,' mostly because it has less syllables. anyway, she's a total bitchface (someone likened her face to those evil persian masks worn in the movie 300) and she's bitchy to a lot of the females that work upstairs with me (but not me) and she picks and chooses days to be bitchy to the other female downstairs. one day they're best friends, the next, classic frenemies. i don't really have time for this drama you know? but i hate her. i really do. i don't hate many people, but i hate the girl who stole my name because really, your craziness and your identity crisis crap, and your fakeness towards others, and your stupid baby-voice when you're talking to boy-people - that's all stuff that i hate in general. add to that the name stealing, and the mug stealing, and the possible pen stealing, and i just get annoyed seeing her stupid bitchface at my workplace. and it makes it worse with the trying to talk to me because we're not friends you crazy person, you stole my name! plus she thinks she was in a relationship with my brother when they were kids, and they totally didn't because my brother would never date someone who was going by his sister's name! crazies like this are what give women the "psycho" reputation.

next, we have my sister. now please know that i love my niece. i would do absolutely anything for her. she is the cutest baby ever and i have known her since she came out of the womb and i would give my life for her. she is the only person i'd do that for in this world. so throwing her first birthday party is not a big deal at all because i love her so much. BUT having said that, it doesn't mean my sister and brother-in-law should be taking a total backseat and not helping! they have zero input concerning anything and i had to chase them to even add guests to the evite. really? it's your daughter's first birthday!! contribute! sheesh. seriously.

plus someone i thought i was friends with has befriended said sister and brother-in-law and all these months claims never knew it was my sister and brother-in-law. as if. but my crazy sister who doesn't have time to talk to me about her daughter's birthday has the time to call me and ask me what the deal is with me and this dude as if it's any of her business to begin with! you can't live the single life vicariously through me and not be helpful, it doesn't work that way!

and then there's my father, who i didn't talk to about this party because i throw parties at my house all the time. it's not even a thing. and in this case we were just both busy and didn't see each other for a week when all of a sudden this evite thing became my responsibility. i talked to my mom about it and she said it was fine and that she'd help with food and stuff so you know, it's all good right? wrong! according my dad, it was totally wacked to invite him on the evite. but come on, i just hit add contacts from my e-mail and included all my family. i mean, my sis and bro-in-law have been invited to their own daughter's bday! just take it in stride and hit yes! but no, he has to write in the comments that i'm dumb. me specifically. in my evite. where everyone can see. like, you know what? i don't want to invite you anymore!! stupid.

and then my bro's gf wanted to get a used car, which i said i'd help her with if i could. my smart guy dad convinced her to buy a brand new car. like hello! she has no money and terrible credit!! mcfly! so i do what i can to help her apply for financing (rejected). she uses her dad's name but he is rejected b/c with their new business, it's too high risk. and it's not a good economic time apparently so the banks don't care if you have a great credit history! all they know is that on paper it's high risk! so i tell her to just lease to own and my company will help her out. my buddy builds her 3 diff lease options and tries to explain benefits but she decides they can just buy the car straight up. but really, why would you just go and incur more debt?? so she has to talk to more people then she goes back and decides to lease. it's just going in circles. somewhere halfway through i withdrew myself as the middleman because it was so frustrating. but now everyone i work with know that my brother is dating an idiot. so frustrating!

phew that was a brainful.. so the thing is, at the end of the day, these are the things that have been bugging me and i just want to go home and make myself a drink and oh.. i can't. i can't drink!! argh!! oh, i guess i should throw in that i've been getting stomachaches on and off lately and i don't know if it's drink-related or not. i've been sober for almost 60 days, but who knows, maybe i have perma-damage. and that would suck.

but you know, on the whole, my life doesn't suck. :)