how to travel with friends & confuse people

As much as I like hanging out with my godbrother, sometimes I just like a window seat, my ipod, and a book. And the thing is, he too likes a window seat and his ipod more than me! So it works. Plus we got to say things like, "we don't like each other that much," "she paid me to help her with her luggage," or "no, we really don't want to sit together." Hearing these things makes stupid people confused. I like to confuse stupid people.



Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

everyone is in denial

sometimes it's about so much more than what it seems like, but usually there's an idiot involved and s/he can't see far enough past their own nose to realize what it is that they're actually looking at. take for example, my brother. he thinks he's doing me a favor all the time. he gives me a ride to the bus in the morning, and lots of times when we go out, he pays for lunch or bubble tea or whatever. so for him, it's time and gas and money. he sees it as mostly the money and how he has to go out of his way for me. and i'm no saint, but if i have to balance it out for him, then i see how i wake him up in the morning so he is not late for work. i see how i have rushed home and worked my schedule around his so i can take care of his dog (that i now claim part ownership of) while he goes and hangs out with his friends or plays ball or whatever it is that he is doing. i see how i have spent hours and hours trying to get the pee smell out of the carpet because his dog thinks carpet is grass and he can't be bothered to clean the smell out himself. i see how i scrub the bathroom down about once a month because he's gross and i can't stand it. and it's doubly worse when his girlfriend has been in town because then it's one more person's grossness that i'm scrubbing down. i let him invite his friends to my parties, and i share my friends with him because his friends are sucky people. when i am away, i bring stuff back for him, even when i could have used the space to bring back more stuff for myself. i usually consider him for dinner when mom's not around to cook for us.
i'm sure there is more that we do for each other, but i think i can easily say that i am more considerate of him than he is of me. but he doesn't see it, he only sees the dollars and cents and thinks he's the bigger person. i can't talk to him about this because if i bring it up, he gets upset, throws a tantrum, and shuts me out. in this case, i like to think that he is the idiot.

then there's the girl who had a friend who was a sucky person and decided to end their friendship via e-mail. while i knew the sucky person was going to turn out to be one, this girl didn't see it until things started falling apart and then she read the e-mail and easy friendship over. the thing with this scenario that bothered me was that there were a couple of valid points in the sucky person's e-mail. so while yes, she was a sucky person and the friendship is over, it doesn't mean that the girl is clear of fault. but because the sucky person turned out to suck and the e-mail was so poorly written, she conveniently forgot to take from it what might be true and dismissed it all instead. in this case, they're both idiots.

hmmm i was going to give you one more scenario wherein i could have been the idiot, but funny thing - i can't think of anything. har!

a fongpay - you were supposed to send me an e-mail so i could find your blog!

liars are stupid

i have a problem with dishonesty. to be fair, i will admit that i have told a white lie or two [or several], but i try not to anymore unless it is necessary. plus, i wouldn't do it if i thought it would cause harm, grief, or stress. because despite my ability to be completely ornery at times, i think that somewhere deep down, i am a nice person [most of the time].

in this instance however, it's not about me and what kind of person i am. it's about someone else - i mean, isn't it always? what good is having a blog if i don't use it to bitch about all the stupidity around me?

so somebody i know and tolerate has lied. this is someone that i liked as a person, even though at times her work ethic has been completely lacking questionable, i tried to like her and be friendly toward her. but since her attitude has been totally bitchy somewhat poor, i find it increasingly difficult to be able to contain myself. and while i don't think i've been lashing out, i do call her out on her crap. the thing is, it is completely deserved. i think in that position, it is hard to remain complacent for too long, and i understand that, however i don't think it gives one license to revert to juvenile behavior [ie throwing tantrums, stomping up and down stairs, throwing files/papers at peoples desks instead of putting them down in a docile-administrative-duty-manner]. but i think the worst part is that i've now caught this individual in a lie. not just one that affects me, but a few other people as well. i also see where it's coming from, but that doesn't justify it for me. i think that honesty would have garnered a better reaction.

i guess what irks me is that i am having trouble maintaining my composure, and that is one of the things i've become good at. i check my personal feelings at the door or vent them to only a limited number of people that i trust. now i'm finding myself making comments out loud and not being my usual chipper self. this person of course doesn't realize she has been caught in the lie, and definitely isn't aware that i've told people who need to know about it. i don't know what will happen now. i hope that changes are made though.

(1) Day of .. Something.

yesterday i had one of those days where you have to decide early on if you're going to laugh or to cry. for the most part, i like to choose laughing because crying is exhausting. so it was a frustrating day, but i got through it and last minute surprise - got free passes to see (500) Days of Summer, which i've been dying (not literally, what's wrong with you?) to see! i knew that it was going to be one of those indies that i would love. i can tell with some things that i'm going to love it, so i let my excitement build because i'm not worried about disappointment. and this did not disappoint. it was wonderful. and when i laughed, i laughed hard. i like movies that you don't think are going to make you laugh that much and then you do. i don't want to give too much away because i encourage all 3 of you to watch this movie (i'd say 4, but i know one of my followers already saw it haha!) yup, i felt really good when i walked out of the theatre. and i think i have a crush on 3rd Rock. holy when did he get so cute?

so i was feeling all good and stuff when i got home and then i didn't want to ruin it, so i decided that instead of watching some tv, i'd settle into the magic chair and read instead. i was almost finished The Time Traveler's Wife, and at that point where i had no desire to do anything but find out what happens at the end. again, i don't want to give too much away because i'm going to make one of my followers read this afterwards, but i had this feeling at the beginning of the book - not the very beginning but somewhere in the beginning there's this occurence. and i just knew at that point where the story was going. but it's not even about that. it's not about the actual ups or downs, it's about the love that exists between these 2 people. and i can say that i have these moments where i don't believe in love anymore, but it was one of those days where everything is working towards reminding you that maybe it's only fiction, but it could happen. and it does happen. and so i shouldn't stop believing, just because it's not happening to me. i sat in the magic chair for a little while after, thinking about the ending. and even though i had chosen a laughing day, i had a good cry anyway. it wasn't a bad cry though, just a release of all the feelings that i had for these characters. i know that sounds nuts, but i don't care. lol. clare and henry are like dear friends to me now. and then of course i was exhausted so i went to bed.

why am i here?

i just spent 30 minutes catching up on a blog that i forgot existed (thus the comments on several posts heehee), and now i'm sitting here looking at my own and wondering why i'm even here sitting in front of the computer right now. i could get really existential and wonder why i'm even here on earth and what is my purpose, but the truth is i'm just wondering why i'm not watching disc 2 of Freaks and Geeks (so wonderful - why do all the good shows die?) or reading more of The Time Traveler's Wife (didn't like the style of writing at first, but damn it's a good story). i have concluded that i am doing neither because i am here, staring at the monitor. also, i have this problem where as soon as i plant my butt when i get home, i unfornately get stuck. i mean, sure i will get up and get food, munchies, drinks, a hoodie, whatever - BUT i will come back to the spot. and today i blame you mike gillis for being the reason that i planted my butt in front of the computer because this is the last place i want to be after spending all day looking at my monitor at work. and you are there, wherever there is, staring at your own monitor, and wondering why i don't just get up and walk away and do something else as i clearly have options. and i wish i could tell you that it's that easy to just get up. but i'm not kidding when i say that my butt gets planted. it's like a magnet. i have so far gotten up to wash my hands 3 times (not consecutively), check on the pork ribs, take the pork ribs out, got pork ribs twice (thanks father!), and then got a cup of water (hot, even in hot weather because that is how i like it). and every time i could go somewhere else, but i don't. and now i'm thinking how ridiculous it i am that i can come home and get parked on the couch or on the bed or on this very uncomfortable chair in my mother's office (better monitor for watching mike gillis than my laptop) and if my mother were home tonight she would've booted me off by now so she could "work" (while playing freecell and watching a streaming asian movie online) and i wouldn't be here anymore so i would have had to park somewhere else. but i was going to say that i am ridiculous for being so ... i don't even know what the word is. but why can't i relocate? i need to figure out how to do more than one thing when i get home after work. this doesn't happen if i go out because there's no settling into one place for several hours before bedtime. it's just when i get home right after work and i have no plans. usually i'm on the couch and catching up with my shows (being able to record tv is the best thing that ever happened to me - i'm not even joking). i need to do something. i need to experiment. i need to move from here to another location in my house and not come back!


***20 minutes later, i am still here. wtf. ok, really, i'm getting up now. up Up and AWAY!

and sometimes, the good guy wins

earlier this week, my stalker quit and walked out. and as king michael sang so eloquently, she's out of my life, and i couldn't be more pleased! i didn't know how much it bothered me until i knew she was gone - and it was like this huge weight off my shoulders. because the thing is, i like work. i like coming to work, i like my job, i have friends here, and work isn't that bad. and for awhile, i was a little more negative about work. i would wake up some mornings and just dread the idea of having to go into the office. and there were days when i'd get here and when i went to go make the coffee, my morning quiet was broken by the sound of her obnoxious voice and her ignorant comments. and while i'm sure most people have a person at their work who can be annoying, i'm also pretty sure that said annoying person(s) didn't steal your name and lie about a relationship with your brother. so stalker freak hasn't been performing to par - how could she when she was never in her office, never picked up calls, rarely returned calls, and spent more time outside smoking or in the lunch room being rude? (and when she was in her office, she was on facebook - so productive.) as her life unravelled (from what i gather she had to get a divorce from her common-law, take advantage of unsuspecting insurance agents to get gifts and rides, and had no friends), i was here being unhappy because of her presence on a daily basis. plus, i had to constantly hold back the urge to tell her that LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! and i have to say, now that she is out of a job, out of love, and out of my life, i feel really really good about it. f being the bigger person, i am glad that her life sucks. [and i think it was pretty big of me to not punch her in the throat every time i saw her.]

in addition to this awesomeness, canada day fell midweek so we had a nice little day off. i got to spend it eating with friends and sharing many laughs. i like days like that. i like my friends.

and since things do happen in 3s, i am happy to declare today as 200 Days Sober day. there were a lot of 'days' in that sentence, but i don't care. i am happy! woo woo!

Drugs Are Bad

yes, it's very soon after my last post, but it's one of those weeks i guess where there is just too much to contemplate over.

so if you follow, then you'll remember my lethargic grampa not remembering my name at home and then remembering it with attitude in the hospital before he was moved into another care facility. i was told that after he moved into the home, he went back to being lifeless and pretty much a zombie. my mom was telling me how they couldn't get him to do much when they were there and i got a couple updates, all pretty much saying he was losing it.

well through most of this my uncle who is the most involved with my grampa's health was away on business. upon his return he knew right away what the problem was. in fact, it was a repeat problem. back in the winter after my gramps suffered his bad fall and brain hemorrhaging, he was in the hospital and moved into a diff home. during the hosp stay, my uncle pointed out that this anti-depressant the docs put gramps on was making him a zombie. docs argued that he was depressed. the thing is, he wasn't depressed and lethargic till the bastards put him on that stuff. he was taken off the meds before he went into the rehab facility and during that time he had his moments where he was his stubborn self, but for the most part, at least he had energy and was willing to try his exercises. what we didn't know was that when he was sent home from this place some idiot put him back on the drugs. yes, it's crazy that there could have been this oversight and no one noticed but my gramps has 7 kids and they're old school so communication hasn't always been great.

we think that if he hadn't been on this stupid drug when he went home, he would've continued his exercises and had more life to him. he would have remembered my name and his face would have lit up like i'm used to when i walk in the room. he wouldn't have become a zombie sitting in his chair all day developing sores and subsequently a staph infection. he wouldn't have had to go back to the hospital and had a surgery. he wouldn't have been moved into a different home instead of staying in his actual Home. he'd be at home now probably, where he is the happiest. nope, instead of all the possibilities for the positives, now we're back to square one. my uncle had to berate the doctor for putting him back on the meds when it wasn't necessary (and deal with his jerkface behavior - wtf yo. you f'd up doc, just deal with it and help make it better. don't give the family any more grief). now that gramps is off the meds again, they say he is way more alert and has a lot more energy. sure, he's still as stubborn as ever, and having more energy means that when he's pissed off at you it's a way more boisterous pissed off - but i take that over zombie gramps any day.

of course it doesn't mean he can go home. he has fallen so behind because he wasn't able to do any therapy since he's been in this place. he's barely walked in the last couple of months, and when he does, it's not easy. it's bad enough that these people have to get old and have so many issues, but really doctor man, really - you're just going to put them on these drugs that zombify them and let them wait it out in retardation until they waste away? that's your answer? that's what your medical degree got you to? are you f-ing kidding me? a part of me wants to say that it must be because my gramps is stuck in the american system too, but that's not all of it. i mean, doctors aren't ALL bad. (yes, i'm referring to you bunches, you better have f-ing good bedside manners or we can't be cyber friends anymore). i just don't know why this doctor (and a few others my family has had to deal with) bothered with the years and years of starving studenthood and debt and hard work and no social life (oh yeah, that's a huge part of his lack of people skills i'm sure) just to get his med degree (i guess the money comes back more than you spent right), and then behaves like he's entitled. you're not entitled. patients are people too. my gramps may not have had the overextended education or the high paying salary, but he worked hard too. and he's a person, despite his old age. treat him with a little dignity. treat them all with a little more dignity. they all just waste away in this home under the "care" of this doctor and he doesn't even see it because he doesn't care. what a load of crap.

so my thoughts weren't exactly laid out in the skilled manner that you'd expect from an english major but suck it. i'm pissed off and my grampa deserves better. all these patients do.

i'm sure a huge part of the anger is my own guilt though. i can't be there. i don't visit every day. i don't even visit every month. i haven't seen him since april and the reality is, i don't know when i'll be going back down again. it's hard to be so far away. i miss ya gong. :(

I Like Friends

*Sidebar: Dreams about cheating on your SO usually signifies guilt in life - usually completely unrelated to your relationship. Cut someone off on the highway? Undertipped your server? Gave yourself a five finger discount at the store? Maybe something more serious, but you gotta deal with it. DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT!

i think people have friendships or they have relationships. and it starts early on, you make a choice. i've lost a few people who turned out to be relationship people. i was here when they were heart broken and busted up. i was here when they wanted to go out and have a good time and meet new people. i was here when they met the next person they were going to ditch me for. and i'm still here and i have friends and my life doesn't suck. and where are they now? still consumed by their relationship, whoever they may be with now. and the friends they have aren't real friends. they won't tell you if you've drawn your eyebrows on crooked. they won't tell you that that color looks awful on your skin tone. they won't tell you that those shoes do not look good with that shirt (hell, the truth is you shouldn't have bought those shoes at all). the false friends will never give you bad news, especially about yourself, because you're all so unsure about how secure this friendship really is. how much it could and couldn't survive. but you can't risk it because without these false friendships, you got nothing. no one. except your relationship. and that sucks. not because the relationship sucks, but because a healthy relationship means you still have friends and a life of your own - an identity.

and then there are friend people. friend people have had some of the same friends forever, yet still have the ability to make new friends in life. and yes, friends come and go and you don't have time for everybody, but at least you know that you can always count on your friend person. they're solid. even when they're in a relationship, they will drop whatever is going on and be there for you when you need it because you still matter. when they tell you that they love the dress you're wearing and you look great it in, they really mean it. they won't invite their SO when you specify you need a girls' night because they know that sometimes you just need a girls' night. or if they're boy people, they'll remember to invite you on boys' night even though you're a girl because you're not a girlfriend but you're part of the group and it's more fun when you're all together like old times. friend people will never lie to you even if it hurts you. they won't forget about you just because they're in a relationship that makes them happy (in fact, they'll want their SO to get to know you). they will be there in dark times and good. friend people are good people.

i guess what brought this on was the recent conversations i've been having with my girlfriends about all these people that we've lost along the way. all these people who chose something else over you and never looked back. or looked back too late. all these people who constantly put themselves first and never see how they're doing something wrong in a friendship. and sometimes i feel sadness that some people aren't in my life anymore because they turned out to be sucky people. but for the most part i'm grateful that they aren't really around to bring me down anymore and i'm so grateful to the friends who have stuck around and supported me and believed in me.

i always say i don't need a boyfriend and it's true. because if i'm going to end up with someone and he's supposed to be my best friend and life partner and someone i want to have sex with on a regular basis until we're old, he's got really high standards to meet and a first class group of people he has to become on par with. that's going to be really really hard and if he's out there looking for me, i wish him luck because i know it won't be easy. and i'm so glad i love me enough to be okay with being by myself forever. plus, i have friends who'll be around forever. i'm lucky. and i know it. and friends, thanks. i value your friendship.

150 Days

i am on the brink of 150 days of sobriety. 150 days. on the one hand, i feel like i should be really proud of myself. on the other, it's like, peanuts. plus, i still want to drink. not all the time like i used to, but a lot of the time. when i'm at someone's house and there's a bottle of wine all chilled and pretty and opened and just sitting there whispering, "drink me" and i can't. when i'm involved in wedding planning conversations - not because of the stress or painfulness of wedding planning. that part i can actually deal with. it's the idea of attending a wedding and getting through an entire day without drinking. i have never been sober at a wedding. maybe once actually. that night is blocked out subconsciously though for other reasons that i will not get into here and now. i think i was dying for a drink though. and i left early. so that didn't work out very well. when the canucks lost to the blackhawks in a very emotional game 6 in round 2. man i wanted to drink and drink and drink and not go to work the next day. the canucks were the only thing that provided excitement and made me forget about wanting to drink. until they lost. *sigh. sometimes i want to go out and party, but i don't like partying sober, so i don't do that.
150 days is such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, i'm really feeling like i just don't know what to do with myself. i mean, other than watching my tv shows, watching movies, watching thc canucks play, reading books, and the occassional hanging with friends, i feel like i just have no interest in anything else. i don't want to go anywhere or do anything that requires effort. and that's sad. because i am capable of being more fun than this. and i'm just not right now. sobriety sucks.

i need a vacation after my vacation

i realize that i'm terribly inconsistent with this blogging thing. that's why i stopped using xanga after awhile (that, and it just got too damn complicated). but just because i forget to make time to come online and write random poop, doesn't mean my mind isn't constantly rolling out thoughts. but with tv being so good these days, who has time to just write? but now that i've finished reading the 4th twilight book and my dad is watching tv, guess i could spare a few for my 3 followers.

i'm indecided on where to start. i mean, sobriety is always there, lingering around everything that i do. every time someone asks if i want something to drink, even if they're referring to a non-alcoholic bev, my first thought is booze. i want to drink. but i say no. i was at this awesome party recently and the last time i hung out with all those people i drank till i ran into a wall and passed out. i wanted to drink with them. but i didn't. and i just kinda hung out instead and was a little less social than i could have been. it's hard. at least one person noticed and told me he was proud of me. that felt pretty good. in fact, most of the time it does feel nice when people comment on how well i'm doing. but sometimes it means nothing and i just want to drown my self-pity in a bottle of something delicious like asti. sobriety sucks.

so i finally got my chance to visit my gramparents in america. even though i took the time off and bought the plane ticket and was there, i feel kinda crappy in retrospect because i think i could have tried to spend more time with them, but i also wanted to have fun on my trip so i didn't. although, one day that i meant to be there for my gramps, i was completely thwarted by circumstance so i had to go babysit a newborn instead. great baby, so easy, lots of poop. so the first time i got to see my gramps, i went to their house with one of my cousins. she's been helping them clean out the house they have lived in since they moved to america. no joke, this house has more crap than the dump. she goes there for a few hours a week and just cleans out stuff. on that day i helped sort through boxes of old magazines and calendars, shoes, clothes, and documents. you have to flip through all the crap just to make sure there are no hidden treasures. and my gramma just comes around once in awhile to tell us NO! keep those! but the problem is that if she could have it her way, she'd keep everything! i found a calendar from 1994. there were suits from when my uncle was a small child. my grampa has more clothes than i do. he was a very dapper dresser in his day though, so i think that's actually pretty cool. let's backtrack. when i got to the house, after greeting my gramma, i went to say hi to my grampa. usually when he sees me he is very surprised and delighted because even though my gramma always knows when i'm coming to town, he never does. but it's cool because he lights up like a kid at christmas. i have always known that i'm one of his favorites. i know that people aren't supposed to have favorite anythings, but he couldn't help himself. i used to live there and he was my babysitter. he hung out with me when everyone else had to work. kinda odd now that i think about it because - why didn't he work? lol. but he'd take me with him to do his random shit, see his random people, and hang out while he played mah jong with other old people. he used to make fun of me in the car, where i rode in the front seat without a car seat because back then no one knew that it wasn't safe. i remember he had a blue town car and there was a doggy thing that had a bobble head that would sway as he drove. he used to make me sandwiches and cut them into 4 strips so that they would easily go into my little mouth. back then, my grampa was my best friend. i was only 3, what did i know? so this time i walked in and he was just sitting there, in his chair, eating some food, watching tv. and he was surprised, but not in his usualy delighted way. even though when he went home a month ago, they said he was going to be alright and he was doing his exercises and ready to go home, in that month he deteriorated to a zombie. ok, maybe not that bad, but it wasn't good. he couldn't remember my name. he knew that i was my mother's daughter, but he couldn't remember my name. and then it didn't seem to bug him that he couldn't remember. he just wanted to get back to eating and watching tv. and even when i went to sit with him after we did our cleaning for a couple hours, he still didn't seem to know or care that i was there. he looked up when i started channel surfing his tv, but then he just seemed resigned to watching whatever was on because it's not like he understood any of it anyway.

that made me really sad. i know it's not about me. and i know that i should not be sitting here feeling sorry about it because i'm not there. i haven't been there since the first day that he fell. i could have gone down there sooner but i couldn't handle visiting him in a hospital so soon after my evil gramma died in one. i waited until he was back at home. that was completely selfish. if i had gone sooner, he might have even known who i was. i waited till he became this person to go see him.

he went back into the hospital a few days after that. besides his state of being, which was making my aunts and uncles consider finding him a home to live in because it was getting too difficult for my gramma to take care of him and he was refusing to do anything, he also developed some sores from sitting and not exercising. and something got opened and infected so he needed a surgical procedure to remove the abcess. did i spell that right? i went to see him as soon as i could. as i said, i was thwarted from going the day he went in because i had to watch a newborn -my uncle had to go see a dr himself and my aunt had to bring in one of their doggies to be put to sleep. it wasn't a good day. well, maybe it kinda was because i got to spend time with my new little cousin and she won't remember this time, but i will. so i went to see him in the hospital before i left. his dr had recommended a home for him to move to because he makes rounds there regularly. somehow, it's the same home that my great gramma was living at before she died. the same home where my sister put the car in neutral and it rolled and she was lucky no one got hurt including the car. the same home where i saw my mom cry for the first time because there was a time in her life when her gramma was her best friend. but i'm getting ahead of myself. i went to see my grampa and i didn't know what to expect because he had been really tired the day before and wouldn't wake up even when ppl went to see him. he'd just gotten out of his procedure that morning and i just didn't know how much energy he would have or what meds he was on. but it was not at all bad. he woke up when i went in and he knew who i was. my aunt asked him what my name was and he looked at her like she was stupid and said my name like it was the most obvious answer in the world. i didn't know how badly i was feeling about him forgetting me until i realized how great it felt when i remembered. and i think he was about as lit as one can be while on meds and post-surgery. and even though he fell asleep after that and i couldn't even wake him up to eat, i know that he opened his eyes when i kissed him goodbye and i know that he knew who i was. i went to see my gramma after that and i checked out the home he'd be moving into. as i walked up the front steps i knew that was somewhere i had been before, even if it was over 25 years ago. my gramma seems to be doing well, i'm really not worried about her. but i hope with all of my heart that i will see my grampa again. since i've been home, i know they had him moved into the home. i've heard that he doesn't really like it there and that he's having a harder time remembering people. i wish i could have stayed longer. i wish i could go back. i wish a lot of things. i know that he is a stubborn old man and that he can be mean. but i hope that he's comfortable.

the sad thing is that as we grow older, so do all the older people around us. i'm not really prepared for any more losses. and while i don't want to talk about my gramps like this is the end, because i don't think that it is, it's like i have been preparing myself for it. i was caught so off-guard when my evil gramma died; maybe i'm just trying to be mentally ready for when it happens again. is that morbid? awful? i don't even know. but i also don't think that i'll ever really be ready for it. guess i can only hope that every time i go back he'll still be there, hopefully lighting up when he sees me.