i don't date.

i don't mean to be that girl, but sometimes the words come out of my mouth before i really know what i'm saying. well, i know what i'm saying. and it's coming out pretty much verbatim for what's in my head. i guess what i mean is, i haven't installed a filter so there's no cushion. it's just a blatant whatever it is i'm saying. in this instance, i'm now 2 for 2 when it comes to my friend's buddies. one of them i got to talking to last year at a bbq with my friends and after chatting he asked for my number and i just chuckled and said no. maybe i could have said, i'm sorry but i'm not comfortable giving you my number. but i didn't. i chuckled. and said NO. this time around i was chatting with my buddy's buddy into the night because everyone was drifting off to sleep/bed and i was up trying to read (seriously, who tries to carry on a conversation when the other party is trying to read???). and somewhere in there he asked if i was married or in a relationship or dating (i admit that it was pretty nice guy behaviour to put the feelers out first) and of course i'm not. and then he asked if i ever go out (let's be realistic here. sobriety has turned me in to a nun. the answer to that is also of course i'm not lol). so then after i tell him why i hate dating (he asks me questions, i don't give real answers because i don't like to reveal too much to someone i don't know, and i never ask questions back because the truth is, i just don't care - which is how i know i should not be on a date), he proceeds to ask me out for dinner. to which i didn't even think, i just said no. and he was just like, really? just no? lol. um, pretty much. but i mean, if you don't just say no, don't they get the wrong idea? don't they carry on hope somewhere that your indirect answer could mean yes? i don't want there to be any confusion. it really is just NO. i don't see the problem in holding out to meet someone i might want to have dinner with before i stop saying no to everyone else.

eat it eat it get yourself an egg and beat it

i'm having the weirdest week. so far it's been very good but every night i'm having dreams about whoever i was with during the day or whatever i've been watching on tv. it's very bizarre and i am exhausted!! after watching 4 hours of defying gravity, i dreamed about space travel all night. my crew was totally not the cast but there we were, in space. it was so weird.

but good things have been happening and i've been spending time with my friends. yay friends! except one friend that i usually see all the time. he's being totally weird and making me feel like i'm the weird one, but i know that i'm not because i'm the one who was trying to hang out and he's just been ignoring me. telling me that he's giving me "space" or some shit doesn't even make sense. so dumb. whatevs, be that way. weirdo. if anyone needs space, it's clearly NOT me. (and i just rolled my eyes).

so since the new train line opened up, i've been on it every day. it has cut my commute in HALF!! so exciting. and even when i don't get a seat and i'm stuck standing - it's 20 minutes so no big! love it. and on a plus side, i take the stairs up and down in the stations and have an extra bit of walking to do. this is the most exercise i'm going to get, so i may as well max it right? and the great thing about my body is even the tiniest bit of exercise totally regulates me. a little more pep in my step and hopefully my junk-food loving/pvr addicted butt will get back down to my normal weight!

anypoops, better get some sleep. ciao for now!

this is happiness

so after a miserable week of feeling like crap and hating everyone, i got to spend a beautiful weekend with many of my good girlfriends. i think that having girlfriends is so important. guys are great, don't get me wrong. i love my guy friends, and they're there for me and so awesome and dependable and fun. but it's just not the same kind of therapeutic relief as being with girlfriends.
this weekend saw me with new girlfriends and new experiences - i went to a horserace in a pretty dress and hung out with someone new in my life that i like very much and it was a ton of fun!
and this weekend also included old girlfriends - i went to the wedding of someone who i've been close with and grew apart from, and have now found balance with. i'm grateful that she is in my life and she really has been there for some crazy times, so we'll always have that! and i spent the day with an unexpectedly awesome girlfriend (by that i mean we didn't think we'd ever be friends but now we see each other ALL THE TiME and love it), and i was so glad she wanted to see me all day. plus, at this wedding were some other girlfriends that i just haven't seen in years and it was such a nice and fun reunion (for all of us i think). i'm not going to lie, i dread weddings, but i had a really good time and ended up staying for much longer than i thought i would.
but the absolute highlight was that this weekend was filled with best girlfriends. i spent the better part of a day with my bestests. i love Love LOVE when all 5 of us are together because these are the girlfriends who mean the most to me. they have seen me through the good, the bad, and the ugly (and i don't just mean boys). i love being around them, and we have great times, even if we're just walking up a street or sitting around talking for hours.
and i didn't talk about my shitty week because it was so irrelevant. it was so far away and behind me and it just didn't matter. i was just so happy to be with the people i love so much. and i know that no matter where our lives take us and what kind of experiences we go through, together or apart, we will always have each other to turn to. no matter how far away we may be from one another, we're really just a phone call away. or in my case, an e-mail because i hate talking on the phone so much.
of course there are one or two girlfriends that i would have loved to have seen that would have just made the weekend perfection, but alas, one can only do so much in 48 hours.
p.s. you know who you are missing girlfriend. lol.

i need to get gruntled

i don't know what's up my butt lately, but i'm becoming seriously disgruntled. mostly i guess it's because i've become one of those people who is unhappy at work. seeing as i spend 8 hours a day here, plus a couple hours commuting, i would say most of my waking hours revolve around work. and i know at some point i wrote about how much i liked my job. well somewhere between then and now, i discovered unhappiness. as days go by, things pop up that lead me to dislike my situation more and more. the main cause is that i feel underappreciated. i was told this would happen, so it's not like i wasn't warned. but it's this funny little thing where the longer you're around, the better you perform, the less they like and appreciate you. that's why people leave. i want to be one of those people. if you or someone you know would like to hire me, please do.

add to that the random idiocy that gets thrown in. just this morning i had a little episode of racism. and was she apologetic or better yet, recognize that she was being a racist bitch? no. she just kept talking. and now i'm going to pay by being the recipient of her further bitchiness because of course i'm clearly the one who was wrong. i have no tolerance for stupidity.

it rains. actually, it pours. hard. it's like the little raincloud that was over my head yesterday just expanded and decided to take over the entire lower mainland. i like it.

in other news, i want to drink. most likely because i'm disgruntled. i am 242 days sober, and all i can think about is how great it would be to just go home and kick back with a bottle of wine. every day i go home and open up the drink fridge. i had 3 bottles of white chilling when i gave up the sauce and i never could take them out... one by one they have been consumed. i don't know when or by whom, but there's part of one left. and i look at them wistfully and think, you could be in my belly. and then close the fridge and walk away. and a part of me thinks, who the f is drinking my shiz? and then another part of me thinks, better them than me. and then i just have to do something else and not think about it. i was sitting at a bar a couple of days ago for a few hours. and the whole time i thought about all the things i could have been drinking. but all i had was a blended juice and a hot tea. yesterday i was sitting in a pub sipping on iced tea. no wonder i don't like going out anymore. everywhere i go, people are drinking. everyone drinks. everyone but me. sobriety sucks.

when you grow up, your heart dies

john hughes fans: wellknowwhenwegetthere.blogspot.com
there's a really great post by john hughes' former pen pal.

i always want to read into peoples writing. did he know this was how he'd go out? was this something he thought about? or was he just writing to the character?

i learned last year that heart attacks happen. but i think there is more to be celebrated here than mourned. ferris bueller remains in my top 10 all-time movies and the breakfast club will always be awesome. so thank you john hughes. you will be missed.

how to travel with friends & confuse people

As much as I like hanging out with my godbrother, sometimes I just like a window seat, my ipod, and a book. And the thing is, he too likes a window seat and his ipod more than me! So it works. Plus we got to say things like, "we don't like each other that much," "she paid me to help her with her luggage," or "no, we really don't want to sit together." Hearing these things makes stupid people confused. I like to confuse stupid people.



Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

everyone is in denial

sometimes it's about so much more than what it seems like, but usually there's an idiot involved and s/he can't see far enough past their own nose to realize what it is that they're actually looking at. take for example, my brother. he thinks he's doing me a favor all the time. he gives me a ride to the bus in the morning, and lots of times when we go out, he pays for lunch or bubble tea or whatever. so for him, it's time and gas and money. he sees it as mostly the money and how he has to go out of his way for me. and i'm no saint, but if i have to balance it out for him, then i see how i wake him up in the morning so he is not late for work. i see how i have rushed home and worked my schedule around his so i can take care of his dog (that i now claim part ownership of) while he goes and hangs out with his friends or plays ball or whatever it is that he is doing. i see how i have spent hours and hours trying to get the pee smell out of the carpet because his dog thinks carpet is grass and he can't be bothered to clean the smell out himself. i see how i scrub the bathroom down about once a month because he's gross and i can't stand it. and it's doubly worse when his girlfriend has been in town because then it's one more person's grossness that i'm scrubbing down. i let him invite his friends to my parties, and i share my friends with him because his friends are sucky people. when i am away, i bring stuff back for him, even when i could have used the space to bring back more stuff for myself. i usually consider him for dinner when mom's not around to cook for us.
i'm sure there is more that we do for each other, but i think i can easily say that i am more considerate of him than he is of me. but he doesn't see it, he only sees the dollars and cents and thinks he's the bigger person. i can't talk to him about this because if i bring it up, he gets upset, throws a tantrum, and shuts me out. in this case, i like to think that he is the idiot.

then there's the girl who had a friend who was a sucky person and decided to end their friendship via e-mail. while i knew the sucky person was going to turn out to be one, this girl didn't see it until things started falling apart and then she read the e-mail and easy friendship over. the thing with this scenario that bothered me was that there were a couple of valid points in the sucky person's e-mail. so while yes, she was a sucky person and the friendship is over, it doesn't mean that the girl is clear of fault. but because the sucky person turned out to suck and the e-mail was so poorly written, she conveniently forgot to take from it what might be true and dismissed it all instead. in this case, they're both idiots.

hmmm i was going to give you one more scenario wherein i could have been the idiot, but funny thing - i can't think of anything. har!

a fongpay - you were supposed to send me an e-mail so i could find your blog!

liars are stupid

i have a problem with dishonesty. to be fair, i will admit that i have told a white lie or two [or several], but i try not to anymore unless it is necessary. plus, i wouldn't do it if i thought it would cause harm, grief, or stress. because despite my ability to be completely ornery at times, i think that somewhere deep down, i am a nice person [most of the time].

in this instance however, it's not about me and what kind of person i am. it's about someone else - i mean, isn't it always? what good is having a blog if i don't use it to bitch about all the stupidity around me?

so somebody i know and tolerate has lied. this is someone that i liked as a person, even though at times her work ethic has been completely lacking questionable, i tried to like her and be friendly toward her. but since her attitude has been totally bitchy somewhat poor, i find it increasingly difficult to be able to contain myself. and while i don't think i've been lashing out, i do call her out on her crap. the thing is, it is completely deserved. i think in that position, it is hard to remain complacent for too long, and i understand that, however i don't think it gives one license to revert to juvenile behavior [ie throwing tantrums, stomping up and down stairs, throwing files/papers at peoples desks instead of putting them down in a docile-administrative-duty-manner]. but i think the worst part is that i've now caught this individual in a lie. not just one that affects me, but a few other people as well. i also see where it's coming from, but that doesn't justify it for me. i think that honesty would have garnered a better reaction.

i guess what irks me is that i am having trouble maintaining my composure, and that is one of the things i've become good at. i check my personal feelings at the door or vent them to only a limited number of people that i trust. now i'm finding myself making comments out loud and not being my usual chipper self. this person of course doesn't realize she has been caught in the lie, and definitely isn't aware that i've told people who need to know about it. i don't know what will happen now. i hope that changes are made though.

(1) Day of .. Something.

yesterday i had one of those days where you have to decide early on if you're going to laugh or to cry. for the most part, i like to choose laughing because crying is exhausting. so it was a frustrating day, but i got through it and last minute surprise - got free passes to see (500) Days of Summer, which i've been dying (not literally, what's wrong with you?) to see! i knew that it was going to be one of those indies that i would love. i can tell with some things that i'm going to love it, so i let my excitement build because i'm not worried about disappointment. and this did not disappoint. it was wonderful. and when i laughed, i laughed hard. i like movies that you don't think are going to make you laugh that much and then you do. i don't want to give too much away because i encourage all 3 of you to watch this movie (i'd say 4, but i know one of my followers already saw it haha!) yup, i felt really good when i walked out of the theatre. and i think i have a crush on 3rd Rock. holy when did he get so cute?

so i was feeling all good and stuff when i got home and then i didn't want to ruin it, so i decided that instead of watching some tv, i'd settle into the magic chair and read instead. i was almost finished The Time Traveler's Wife, and at that point where i had no desire to do anything but find out what happens at the end. again, i don't want to give too much away because i'm going to make one of my followers read this afterwards, but i had this feeling at the beginning of the book - not the very beginning but somewhere in the beginning there's this occurence. and i just knew at that point where the story was going. but it's not even about that. it's not about the actual ups or downs, it's about the love that exists between these 2 people. and i can say that i have these moments where i don't believe in love anymore, but it was one of those days where everything is working towards reminding you that maybe it's only fiction, but it could happen. and it does happen. and so i shouldn't stop believing, just because it's not happening to me. i sat in the magic chair for a little while after, thinking about the ending. and even though i had chosen a laughing day, i had a good cry anyway. it wasn't a bad cry though, just a release of all the feelings that i had for these characters. i know that sounds nuts, but i don't care. lol. clare and henry are like dear friends to me now. and then of course i was exhausted so i went to bed.

why am i here?

i just spent 30 minutes catching up on a blog that i forgot existed (thus the comments on several posts heehee), and now i'm sitting here looking at my own and wondering why i'm even here sitting in front of the computer right now. i could get really existential and wonder why i'm even here on earth and what is my purpose, but the truth is i'm just wondering why i'm not watching disc 2 of Freaks and Geeks (so wonderful - why do all the good shows die?) or reading more of The Time Traveler's Wife (didn't like the style of writing at first, but damn it's a good story). i have concluded that i am doing neither because i am here, staring at the monitor. also, i have this problem where as soon as i plant my butt when i get home, i unfornately get stuck. i mean, sure i will get up and get food, munchies, drinks, a hoodie, whatever - BUT i will come back to the spot. and today i blame you mike gillis for being the reason that i planted my butt in front of the computer because this is the last place i want to be after spending all day looking at my monitor at work. and you are there, wherever there is, staring at your own monitor, and wondering why i don't just get up and walk away and do something else as i clearly have options. and i wish i could tell you that it's that easy to just get up. but i'm not kidding when i say that my butt gets planted. it's like a magnet. i have so far gotten up to wash my hands 3 times (not consecutively), check on the pork ribs, take the pork ribs out, got pork ribs twice (thanks father!), and then got a cup of water (hot, even in hot weather because that is how i like it). and every time i could go somewhere else, but i don't. and now i'm thinking how ridiculous it i am that i can come home and get parked on the couch or on the bed or on this very uncomfortable chair in my mother's office (better monitor for watching mike gillis than my laptop) and if my mother were home tonight she would've booted me off by now so she could "work" (while playing freecell and watching a streaming asian movie online) and i wouldn't be here anymore so i would have had to park somewhere else. but i was going to say that i am ridiculous for being so ... i don't even know what the word is. but why can't i relocate? i need to figure out how to do more than one thing when i get home after work. this doesn't happen if i go out because there's no settling into one place for several hours before bedtime. it's just when i get home right after work and i have no plans. usually i'm on the couch and catching up with my shows (being able to record tv is the best thing that ever happened to me - i'm not even joking). i need to do something. i need to experiment. i need to move from here to another location in my house and not come back!


***20 minutes later, i am still here. wtf. ok, really, i'm getting up now. up Up and AWAY!