771

I kind of feel like a fraud. So many people have these totally debilitating addictions that they need rehab and AA and interventions for. They have these stories that are way worse than my worst night. They have all these issues that cause their lives to be these dark dark pits of emptiness and substance abuse. And then there's me. I've done some stupid things and had some bad nights. I've heard a lot of stories where I was the star but I have no memory of the events that took place. But nothing near as devastating as what some other people go through. And while it's great that I can say I'm over 2 years sober and it was a hard road to get me to this place, I feel like I'm just a fraud with a fake addiction.

waiting seems stupid

so i just saw the trailer for waiting for forever, out in february. and it reminded me of "love in the time of cholera" - the book, not the movie. i couldn't watch the movie because i hated the book. i was surprised by how much i hated the book because i loved serendipity, which is why i read the book in the first place. florentino basically waits his whole life for fermina, and she spends her whole life rejecting him. and as romantic as some people think it is for him to wait for the woman he loves, the truth is, it's not romantic. it's pathetic. she doesn't love you. move on. and then they made a movie and again, they try to romanticize it. and now i've seen this trailer for this new movie and will is stalking emma because he thinks he loves her because they grew up together. and at least they have a basis for their relationship unlike florentino and fermina, but still, she moved on dude. and so should you. but what bugs me is really like rachel bilson and i kinda want to see the movie even though i think i will be annoyed. i've made myself sit thru a lot of bad movies for the actors i like, so i'll probably do it for this one too. i don't even know why i'm watching anything right now. it's way past my bedtime.

700

it doesn't feel like 700. it doesn't even feel like almost 2 years, which is coming up in 30 days. maybe because sometimes i have these dreams where i decide to drink and then i drink and drink and i wake up in a total panic because i thought i was weak and slipped and had a drink or ten. but then i realize that i'm awake now and it was just a dream. a dream that felt real.
some days it's become really easy to not pay attention to people if they're drinking around me and to not think about it. some days. other days i want to drink. and every once in awhile, i even think i want to have a rock star night where i just drink myself into oblivion. and this doesn't happen when i'm sad or having a rough day or anything. i have these cravings for no reason. i've always had these cravings for no good reason. except now that i don't give in to them, i'm a generally happier and healthier human being. and isn't that reason enough to not do it?
at 700 i'm feeling pretty good.

30

Just turned 30 the other day. Doesn't feel different. But I remember it, so that's an improvement from most of my 20s. In fact, looking back, a lot of my 20s are a blur. So this decade of my life, I will be Sober, and I will remember things. Or at least, what I can with what's left of my remembering cells. 30. I tried to quit drinking the first time around... I want to say 24 but who really knows. It didn't stick until I was 28. Now I'm 30. I've been dry for almost 2 years. A huge change is that I'm weepy now. Maybe that's Sobriety, maybe it's my old lady hormones. Except that 30 isn't old. I don't feel old. But I feel weepy. Things make me cry that didn't before. TV or movie moments that are poignant for the family onscreen. Saying good-bye. Other people crying. Situations that remind me of something emotional in my life- even if I wasn't able to show emotion when it happened. Now I really feel all those formerly suppressed feelings. Is it Sobriety or is it 30? Who knows... But I think I like this Me. Definitely an improvement over crazy drunk angry Me.

At the time of this posting, my grampa is in the hospital again. The doctors told my uncle something cryptic about it not looking good and tell family members. I hold onto the hope that I will see him when I go in 2 weeks. I will stay positive and stop being all weepy about it. I will see him in 2 weeks. And I will tell him I'm 30 now and thank him for being my best friend when I was 3. 30 is going to be a good year.

Sent from my awesome BlackBerry

And then sometimes, I go out

Last night was one of my bestests' staggette. I should say local stag since we already hit up Vegas in June. And nothing compares to Vegas. NOTHING! But we had a fantastic time last night...
After sobriety, I discovered all the things I hate about this city. And it came down to one thing: the people. In the midst of the beauty and serenity that is BC, there is this hub in the middle of the Lower Mainland where all the posers gravitate. These are the sheltered folks who don't understand that there is more to life than your circle of drug dealing friends with lots of money. There is more than having large fake breasts or long blonde hair (black if you're Asian) or ridiculously fake eyelashes and enough makeup on your face to make Steven Tyler pretty. There is more than expensive clothing, LV handbags, and Louboutin shoes. There is more than bedazzled Ed Hardy tees and fauxhawk haircuts and steroids to make your muscles big. But here is where the arrogant, self-centered, pretentious, obnoxious, trendy, hipster, yuppie, yappie types all come to "play." And let's get real here- their idea of a good time isn't throwing down, drinking too much, and having a good time. They prefer to pose on the sidelines and stare down everyone else. And when they do move, they bowl everyone else down because they think they're better. This picture is what the party scene looks like to me now. Gone are the days when I can show up in a t-shirt and just jam. Now you gotta put on your face and dress like a skank (if you can afford it, at least you can look like a classy skank), and pose for awhile in order to be accepted. But last night, we were decked out for our themed stagette night. We also had masks that made us feel like superheroes- awesome yet anonymous! Unfortunately, it was very Superman/Clark Kent because I was still recognized, but whatever, for awhile I believed in the disguise! And it felt like back in the day when I could just go out and throw down like no one's judging. Of course we hit a glitch when our bachelorette's fiance's crazy (like psycho crazy) bitch ex appeared and she tried to fight us (by try I mean she lunged and let her friends "hold her back"). But we won anyway because we had a blast, boys loved us, and we were awesome! She was just miserable and hateful and not fun to be around.
One of the great things about last night was being hit on by young boy people. It's a great feeling when a fresh-faced youngun who can't grow facial hair tells you you're pretty and asks you to dance. Especially when you say thanks, but you're too young for me and he says, "but I'm almost 20!" Because in 36 days, I'll be 30 dude. And another boy told me he wished he was 7 years older so I would give him a chance. It's a club, they're young, and just looking to party. I get that. But I can't dance with you if you can't keep up!
At the end of the night, I was crawling into bed just before 6am and wondering how I made it through without dying of exhaustion at my seasoned age (oh yes, ran into someone who called me old, said I used to be the prettiest girl in the scene, and tried to cover by saying I'm still hot, and I'm not old just seasoned-thanks pal). Today my body hurts, my head feels like I'm hungover even though I didn't drink, and I'm just so tired! I won't be doing this again anytime soon, but man, that was a good night. And here's the recipe: Special Occassion + Good Friends + 2 Whips + 10 Masks + a ton of Booze for the imbibers + 2 Free burgers (even after someone puked in the drive-thru lane) + Pole/Lap dance practice + No line/cover + a Shower to wash off the beer and tequila on my legs = Success!! Don't be jealous because I'm awesome.
On that note, I wish haters would find their own little bits of awesome instead of just hating all the time. How exhausting it must be to be a negative person.

Sent from my awesome BlackBerry

606 Days

I guess this is a good sign. Day 600 came and went, and I didn't even think about it being significant. The milestones are getting further apart. I think when I hit 7 years though, I'll go get myself a killer neck tattoo like Aldous Snow. Or something. It's become a lot easier to say no now. Mostly because I've come so far. Being past 600 days makes me really really not want to go back to 0. And after all the times I've quit and started again, I know now that social drinking is not an option. It always starts with just one. Most importantly, I've learned a lot about myself. Maybe I'm not addicted to drinking anymore. But now I'm addicted to my Blackberry. I'm addicted to TV. But these are things that won't make me feel sick, so I accept these addictions as a lesser evil. I guess this is just an update, in case you were wondering. I am 606 days sober and I feel really good about it.

the never-ending offspring debate

in which, i am always the winner. because let's face it people; who knows me better than i do?

so i guess i am at that age when everyone around me is getting married and/or having babies. and i as much as i love the babies in my life, i really don't love babies in general. or kids. i'm not a fan of kids. i don't like them, i don't want them. i can be nice to them and play with them and i'll like the odd few and even love the exceptional ones (or the ones i share some dna with). but that's my limit. i have no interest or desire to reproduce. i have never had an interest or desire to reproduce. and having said that, i would not consider adoption or any other means of procuring a little person to take home and raise.

the arguments are as follows: you will change your mind when you meet the "one" (woah, one step at a time here. by the time that happens i may be 50 and dried up. for that matter, it may never happen. and guess what? the "one" for me - he doesn't want kids either). you will change your mind when your clock starts ticking (what clock? i don't have these internal tickers telling me i'm getting old and i need to settle down). you will change your mind when your niece and nephew grow older and/or you see them less often (what? that doesn't even make sense). you will change your mind when you grow up (have you met me?). you will change your mind - you just will (NO. and suck it).

and the most important thing to remember here is that i am happy. i don't need to settle down with a man to make my life complete. sure, it'd be nice, but it's not necessary. and i wouldn't settle with anyone just for the sake of conformity. i don't need children to make my life complete. sure, it's magical and whatever for the people who do it, but that's them and i'm me. so please stop telling me that what i want is to have kids, because i think i know what i want. and i'm pretty sure it's not kids.

the complete opposite

i did something weird today. weird for a sunday in town, that is. i woke up early, i got out of my pyjamas, and i left my house. and then, i didn't try to come back right away. i stayed out!! crazy right?

i headed down to http://www.followmefoodie.com/ and nicole marie events' Vancouver's 1st Cupcake Challenge. it was so cool! as soon as i got there, i knew it was something special because the crowd was intense. i made my way in and sampled one of the last of Cake Tease's lemon something or another cupcakes. it was yummy! then i had one of Indulgence's chocolate something or another and it was okay. very thick and rich. i like my cupcakes light and fluffy. which was why when i hit Bon Gateau right after and sampled their chocolate, i felt like i was in cupcake heaven. i also had one of Frosting's delicious Love Potion cupcakes and Big City's vanilla celebration. i tried a couple of other things too but i can't remember it all now. i was just reaching in and grabbing what i could in that crazy crowd lol. after getting my fix, i volunteered and helped out because that's what friends do and i like helping. helping is rewarding. by staying, i was rewarded with one of Bon Gateau's Mango cupcakes. omg. i don't even like mango anything and i LOVED this cupcake. it was all light and fluffy and tasty and delicious. YUM!!

then as i left, i walked toward the train and instead of getting on it, i waited for my friend m to reply to me and (finally) he did! so i met up with him and his girl and we walked. we walked down to the seawall and we walked out to english bay (and paused for a "drink" - i had a non-alc OJ) and we walked through the remnants of car-free-fest on denman and we walked up robson and we walked to the city ctr train and that was the end of our walk but damn that was a lot of walking. but the fantastic part was just hanging out and catching up with my friend! i feel a little bad that i didn't get to know his girl as well as i could have, but we just had so much to talk about. that's what happens when you hide from people. and when you choose pj's over going out. lol.

but today i was outside all day and i enjoyed it. i socialized with several people and i didn't run away. i also didn't freak. big day for me. haha! i think that it's not that i'm scared of people, i just don't want to be around that many of them. but when i am, i can do it. as long as there are people i like around, i'll always be okay. so maybe - MAYBE - i will get out more. we'll see...

i heart the duff

i was starting to think that i'm addicted to bad movies, but i'm realizing that i'm not. because when a movie sucks, a lot of times i can say it totally sucks. i think what i'm addicted to is people with a lack of talent. people like hilary duff. i'm a huge fan of the duff. i have seen everything she's been in. well, almost everything. after forcing myself to watch war, inc because of the cusack and the duff, i realized that sometimes i have to just say no. because i can't get those couple hours back. and man, war, inc was not good. it's terribly disappointing because i love these people. hilary duff makes me happy. i wish she would come out with a new album of awesome and catchy pop songs. i wish she would do another movie with haylie duff and do the entire soundtrack instead of just a remix of a kickass 80s tune. i want to see her make out with more cute boys who only ever seem to make one movie. i really enjoy her, even when she's in sucky movies like according to greta or beauty and the briefcase.
and cusack.. i love this man. serendipity, seen it over and over and over again. say anything - wonderful. war, inc? yuck.
but do i stop? no. i imdb these people and look up all their sucky films that never made it big and i sit through them because.. i don't know why. i just do. and even when i sit through a sucky one, i still look up the next one. i have problems. and on top of that, my mamajama just asked me if i sit in front of the tv all day, will i go crazy and lose my mind? i told her no. because of course that's what i'm going to say. but if i ever go crazy and/or lose my mind, then we will all know it's because i spend these random days doing absolutely nothing but watching tv shows and movies.
today i have watched (thanks a lot megs) whip it, cloudy with a chance of meatballs, astro boy, where the wild things are, the last 4 episodes of 24 season 4 (omg Jack Bauer is "dead" - how is he supposed to come back??), and now i'm watching according to greta.
maybe i've already lost my mind..

how do i feel this good sober?

i just got back from vegas. i spent all this time agonizing about how i was going to get through this 4-day weekend sober. i haven't been sober in vegas since i was a teenager. and between then and now, there were a lot of trips to vegas. trips i barely remember! but i know they were fun. i often think that sober holly isn't very fun. i mean, i sit around a lot in my pyjamas and watching so much tv that i believe jack bauer is real. i have little desire to go out. maybe it's this city. everything is expensive and you get all dressed up and go out and then it's just disappointing. the people are pretentious and shallow. and sober, i just don't feel like trying. but vegas, you can't go to vegas and be a bum. esp if you're there for a stag(ette). so i went to vegas and i wanted to drink. i wanted to drink jager and i wanted to drink goose and i wanted to drink margaritas in the sunshine. i have to say, this was probably one of the worst times in the last year and a half.
to compensate, i drank a lot.. of energy drinks. because without the kick, i couldn't have kept up. i would have wanted to sleep. a lot. so i had red bull. i had rock star. i had monster. i had coffee. and i was cracked out. but when you're like, super awake and ready to rock, the alcohol cravings die. so i guess it's a matter of the lesser of 2 evils. plus, it's been easier to wean off the intense caffiene that it was to quit drinking.
since i've been back, i've had only coffee. i had 2 yesterday but only 1 today. of course, i've also been falling asleep A LOT on my couch. but dude, who comes back from vegas and doesn't need sleep? esp since i jumped back into the work thing.
man am i tired.
anyway, i made it through the weekend. i partied hard and did it all in high heels and i fought my cravings and i made it home sober. that feels pretty damn good. and i think for the most part, i was still pretty damn fun! i say for the most part because i had a turning point where i was not fun. i was good ol' angry holly. which reminded me of drunk angry holly. which brought me back to being really happy about being sober. lol. but that was just a glitch. this was def in the top 3 in terms of trips to vegas!! 4 days, 3 nights, 1 stag, 1 wedding, lots of caffiene, and late night eating in the company of some of my favorite people! good freaking times.
btw. congrats to my beautiful friend S and her man! i'm so happy and honored to have been even a small part of such a special day!
ok i'm going back to sleep now. because that's all i've done since i've been home. work, eat, poop, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up, sleep. lol.