a letter

dear ryan kesler,

i don't care if you hate canadians, or vancouver fans, or french people. i don't even care if you hate me. but i want you to know that when you say you hate people, there are people out there who get mad. i wasn't one of those people. i stayed true. i wore my kesler jersey to your first game back in vancouver instead of my lu one. i defended you to all my friends who told me that they now hate you because you hate them. i think you're fantastic and you play great hockey. i think your wife is pretty and your daughter is really cute.

but my point ryan kesler, is that not all of the fans in this city are like the fans you hate. there are fans like me out there. fans who stick by you no matter what. fans who love the team no matter where they are in the standings (with the exception of bieksuck - can you please ask him to stop pinching?). fans who are not suits, who spend hard-earned money to go see you guys play, even when times are tough. hate on everyone you want ryan kesler, but not all of the fans out here are sucky fans. i just wanted you to know that.

your fan,
h

the great olympic hangover

we had 17 days of non-stop action over in our little corner of the world. the olympics came and went and i think it has changed everyone. except maybe the angry protestors.. i'm pretty sure they are still angry. but for the rest of us, we played hosts to the world. and despite all the misgivings and lack of feeling before the spotlight landed, once the opening ceremonies got the ball rolling, it was just action-packed for 17 days straight.

i was pretty into the idea of hosting the olympics from the start. i thought it would be fun to have it here, to have all those people here. i thought it would be fun to see the city get into it. by city, i don't just mean vancouver but all of the lower mainland. it was funny, nobody i knew wanted any of the gear ahead of time. i got a pair of mittens for my birthday back in october and i was SO excited! i got all my mascot dolls as soon as they came out. i got my hoodies in december before i headed south for the holidays so i could wear my colors with pride. i was ready.

well before the olympics, my own out-of-town houseguests arrived and they were going to be here for over a month. they brought with them more goodies for the rest of us. i got my coveted canada jersey, and a trapper hat. i was so ready. my godbrother had scored us tickets for 3 hockey games in the first week and one of them was a CANADA game! i was so ready.

so the opening ceremonies finally arrived and we were all gathered in my living room with our pizza and drinks and snacks and each other and we were ready! no opening ceremony will ever compare to beijing - i mean, they had the manpower and the venue to make that kind of magic. we're just a little city with a small number of volunteers. but it didn't matter. we had heart. from the start, i did nothing but watch events. i don't think i've ever watched the olympics the way i watched this one. i don't think i've ever cared so much. but now i was taking it all in. i learned what the biathlon is this year, and how it became an event. i learned names of athletes that were competing when in years past, i would only know the names of our medal winners. and those names would then fade from memory. and it wasn't just names, it was stories. stories of all these different athletes and how some of them made their way here and the hardships that they overcame. and knowing these small details made me cheer even harder for them.

i went downtown a couple of times. for the most part i try to avoid the crowds. but when i did go, it was so incredible. the vibe and the energy was unlike anything i've ever experienced here before. there was so much to see and do. i didn't get to see as much as i would have liked, but i'm okay with that. it was enough for me to just be a part of it all.

my first hockey game was fantastic. it was Canada vs Norway and i was ready to cheer for my team. i got to go up to the 4th floor and see a view of the rink that not everyone gets to see. gm place had been completely transformed to this wonderful olympic venue. the colors were awesome! all the blue and green reminded me of the canucks. and despite the rumors of long lines and long waits, i somehow managed to not have to wait that long at any time. looking out at the sea of red and all the canadian flags, i was impressed. one of my biggest complaints as a diehard canuck fan is that you would never see everyone wearing the same color on game night. sure there's a lot of blue, but there is also the old navy/maroon or the black and orange, or worst of all, the bright yellow orange and the red V. add to that the pink jerseys (barf) and the suits and the random people who just wore whatever, and gm place was always an amalgam of colors that didn't feel like love. but this was different. this was canada hockey place and it was a sea of red and white. everyone was in love with the same team and it was magical. winning that night made me feel so excited for canada's prospects in these games - i mean, 8-0, that's awesome!!

when i went to watch Sweden vs Germany, i decided to show my love for the sedin twins by dressing in a sweden hoodie and scarf. for one night, i was swedish! someone even spoke swedish to me! but then he realized i was just a poser and spoke english after that. but for 10 seconds, he thought i was one of them. i sat a few seats away from a gentleman from sweden who had gone to school with daniel alfredsson. what a cool thing to be able to tell people. during that game, i also tried to pick up some german chants, but they were pretty complicated. but i can say "deutschland!" according to the swedish dudes, they didn't have any chants, so we just hollered loudly the way canadians do. the swedes won that night, and i continued feeling elated.

the last game i attended was USA vs Norway. we decided ahead of time that we would cheer for everyone. sure enough, no matter which team scored, we jumped out of our seats and celebrated that goal. it was so much. i was sitting next to some coyotes fans from arizona, and they were having a good time, just taking it all in. a player from norway, vikingstad, he had the best name! and later in the games he got a hattrick. yay vikingstad! at that game, i also saw ryan kesler's family at the store. his wife is pretty, his kid is cute. and they were all so happy looking. but mostly, it was like, being thisclose to ryan kesler haha.

i was also lucky enough to attend a curling match! i do enjoy curling very much. it's not as complicated to follow and it's way harder than it looks. but every match starts with bagpipes - what's not to love?? jolly good times!

and then, as luck would have it, i met jon montgomery. he came into my workplace to support RIGHT TO PLAY (google it, it's an awesome charity) and give some interviews (yes, there were camera crews at my work). we were lucky he was cool enough to stick around for a bit and take pictures with us and i even got to hold his medal. it was so cool! SO COOL!! and then we spotted patrick chan on the sidewalk and ran out and got a photo with him as well. that was cool beans. i also got a picture with bryan wilson, the american bronze winner of men's moguls. it was a cool experience.

this past weekend i watched the last of the events with mixed emotions. one was nervousness - would canada be able to beat usa in the rematch? i just didn't know. of course i said "YES!!" to anyone who asked me. of course i believed we could. but a part of me was just nervous - what if we didn't? would i have to hear about it from all the americans i know? would i have to buy more in-n-out if i lost another bet? would luongo be able to come back and perform if he lost? what if ryan kesler scored the winning goal against us again? could i still love him after that? there were so many random things in my head.

of course after watching the most intense game and most exciting game ever, we WON THE GOLD!!! it was a record breaking year for canada - first gold at home, most golds ever won by one country, most golds ever won by us! i was (AM) so proud to be a canadian.

the closing ceremonies were quite blah after the intensity of that game but it was just one last thing to watch. and then it was over. so i had to go downtown. i had to suck in what was left. i headed down in my jersey and hat and high fived random people and screamed and cheered wth people on the street and got myself a cameo on the 11 o'clock news. and then it was time to go.

i think that's when it started sinking in. suddenly it just wasn't as exciting anymore. suddenly i realized there was garbage everywhere. what had they done to our streets? our clean clean vancouver streets. this morning on the train, there was so much room. no one was pushing or crowding.. and i almost missed it. but then at work, there was nothing going on outside my window. there were no more athletes coming or going. no more cops out patrolling. just no one. it was all so quiet.

the great olympic hangover has nothing to do with booze and partying. (well, maybe a little partying.) it's about the fun and the excitement and how we just absorbed everything. all the events, all the sports and athletes. and now there's void as we all walk around like drones the next day, wondering what to fill ourselves with. lucky for me, i've got the canucks vs blue jackets tomorrow and hopefully the emptiness won't last. but for today, it's just a dreary feeling of the glory days being over.

i hope though, that this city doesn't lose its spirit. i hope that all the fun we have will stay with us along with the positive attitudes that i hadn't seen here in awhile. i hope our olympic hangover doesn't take 40 years to pay off like montreal. there has to be a better legacy than that.

365 Days Later

I did it! Just me. I mean, I had support and thank you Friends, I'd be nowhere without you. But mostly, I did it. I was the one who said no and didn't need some stranger telling me what to do or how to do it. I didn't need to stand up in a room full of people I don't know and tell them my stories. I stopped being ashamed and told people I knew what was going on with me. It is so much more empowering and fulfilling to tell it to people who actually know me. To admit that I made mistakes. To admit I was damn lucky nothing really bad ever happened to me during the Crazy Days. To admit that I made secret decisions that affected the people around me and were harmful to myself. To admit that I screwed up and screwed around and woke up one day realizing that's not who I want to be. I didn't want to be the girl with the Party rep. I didn't want to be Alyssa's drunk aunt. I didn't want to be angry and tired all the time. But that's who I was. And now I'm not. And I can get through hard times and sad times and good times without a drink. It's been 365 days and I'm just proud that I got here. And I thank everyone who ever raised pom poms for me. Everyone who ever believed in me. Everyone who supported me and didn't judge me and are still around because they like me just as much Sober. I couldn't have done it without you.

xoxox


Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

WTF it's already November?

where did this year go?

so it's november. last year in november, my gramma passed away. and while i didn't see that coming, a part of me is bold enough to say that i don't see anything like that happening this year. then the other part of me is like shut the f up before you jinx yourself! and then i tell me that i'm not superstitious enough to care. but other me says maybe you are but denial is not just another river in egypt yo. to which all i have to say back is eat poop be happy.

but enough about the voices in my head. it's november. first things first, i bought my ticket to get out of here for xmas. i really want to be away this year. not just because my family here doesn't really do christmas the way it should be done, but because i really really miss the rest of my extended brood. despite the occasional drama, i'm always happy when i'm with them. and i think i just need it. it's been a long year. between the dead gramma issues and the not drinking demons, i just feel like i need a break from my life. but not the kind of break that is exotic and filled with strangers and maybe a couple of familiar people (although that sure worked for stella and look at her groove), but like the kind of break that involves being surrounded by people who love me. not that my parents don't love me, they really do. but it's just ... different. plus the wall to wall presents are balls of fun. and there are all these kids, but i actually like all of them. and there are grandparents, i can't get that here anymore.

oh holidays. how can i love you and hate you so much at the same time? i was just telling someone how much i dread xmas shopping because of the ring ring ringing of the bells from the fake santas and their charity buckets. and i hate the carollers. i don't care, i just don't enjoy it. i like xmas songs - done by like, sugarland or nsync or something lol. i don't like the la la fake opera carollers. with their curly tight hair and long old fashioned dresses. blah. oh, and i hate the crowds and the pushing and the desperation of people who have no idea what they're buying yet insist on slowly ambling thru the mall anyway, stopping just in front of you periodically as they realize they are in the mall and have no idea where they are going or what they are doing. get the f out of my way!! but i love the feel of xmas morning. i love the getting together with my fave people and opening the presents and all the fun stuff. i love my peoples. i hate shopping for them, but i love them.

I have a Question

If you're talking nerd with a dude about the graphic novels you read because .. I don't remember how it came up .. But then like ten minutes later he calls you and says, "hey I'm going to [insert comic store here] later, do you want to come," do you think there are ulterior motives? Oh! Flash! I remember. He said something about ideas going stale and that's why comic writers are always flipped every couple years and I said I don't think that's always the case (I could be wrong I'm not THAT nerd), thus conversation ensued. Anyway, I declined the offer politely regardless. But I just don't know. I'm so uninterested that I go through life oblivious. Since that hasn't always worked out in my favor, maybe it's time I start asking myself the pertinent questions.



Or maybe I could just say No a lot and carry on.







Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

sleep. need. sleep.

i want to say that i have some kind of iron deficiency or low blood sugar or something, but the truth is, i just go to bed late. and i sleep for about 5 1/2 to 6 hours every night. and i can function on 6, am best at 6 1/2, and am dying as i am leaning closer to the 5-5 1/2 every night lately.

why don't i go to bed earlier, you ask. well that sounds like a simple solution, but it's not that simple for me. even on nights when i do get my ass to bed at a decent time, i end up reading or doing a crossword and that keeps me up for a bit longer. and if i don't? then i just lie there and swear in my head as i don't fall asleep in the darkness.

and so since i know i won't be able to fall asleep right away, i've been letting myself watch shows a little bit later than usual. this is all because my sister and niece were here so i fell totally behind (those nights i was up because of the baby. she's cute and loveable, but becomes a crazy party monster at night), and now i have to catch up on like 2 weeks of shows. my life is sad.

and so even though i know what all the problems are, i'm not trying very hard to fix it. i need to sleep. and i need to sleep badly. i'm so tired ALL THE TIME!! argh. yawn.

what the eff. the king is dead.

and while in most instances these days, people would be referring to the king of pop, i am not. i am referring to the debacle that is my father's b-day party. i am at the point where i do not even want to go. i just don't care anymore.

so here's the deal. the old man is turning 60. and his bday is not actually until november, but he wanted to do the party on halloween. and i said, if that's the case, it will have to be a costume party. that would have been fun right? doesn't matter. my sister decided that his party should be over a long weekend so as to make it easier for them to attend from the prairies. so one would think november long weekend since there isn't any conflict there. except that he doesn't want to celebrate after the fact. and he's getting another all expenses paid trip to asia. so october long weekend it was. at this point the only other family he has in town can't make it because they made plans long ago because he told them his party would be in november. way too complicated already.

so he finds a hall to throw this bash. yay! but he wants everyone to be dressed all formal. boo! the hall has murals on the wall, streamers on the ceiling, and red and white checkered tablecloths. see how formal isn't really the attire one would think to wear at a venue like this? but that's even a moot point. who cares how people dress? not me. i'm just about judging people. no matter what class your outfit falls into, if it's awful, i will secretly think mean mean thoughts regardless. that makes me chuckle.

my biggest ish has been the guestlist. every day he is adding and removing people. there is a rsvp by date for a reason. that reason is organization. i'm a huge fan. he doesn't know the meaning of the word. so he wants me to hold off on finalizing his table arrangements and printing out the stuff i need until he is ready. he thinks he'll be ready on saturday 5 minute before we leave the house. i'm giving him until later tonight. because i'm tired of it. i'm just tired. but even more bizarre? he wants us to go set up the venue tonight. how can we set up a venue when the more important thing regarding the set up is the number of people coming and where they are sitting? i can't print those off yet!! idiot!

he wanted to sing all night long and turn it into a concert. but i'm going to go ahead and say that not all of your audience is fan of the music. shiz i don't even think all of the audience is a fan of you. and i can 100% guarantee that one spunky former redhead at table 2 is not a fan of yours at all. so hold the phone, i'm going to come up with stuff to actually make this party fun! because that's what i do best - have fun.

and now that i've spent the money and come up with the ideas and did all the hard work, you're going to tell me that i do not know how to throw/organize a party of this magnitude and i'm incompetent!!?? talk about ungrateful. i haven't slept in days. i am barely eating too, because there is no time to go to work, do all of the crap i have to for his party, and get in some me-time. i have forgone spending quality time with people that i actually like so that i can go to dollar stores and find things that i need at a decent price point. and i could have picked the ugly gold elephants!! but i didn't!! i spent a dollar more per item and got the cute wooden blocks!

i called him this morning to ask him to tell me about the charity that he has chosen for the 50/50 draw and he told me he is on the board of directors. dude, i don't care if you're the custodian, i just want to know who benefits and how. and when i asked that (in a normal way, i wasn't a bitch yet), he said i was being a stupid jerk. well you know what? fuck you and fuck your stupid party. just because you dress up like elvis, it doesn't make you the fucking king. it makes you a douchebag. he has shown absolutely no appreciation for anything!! because i don't know anything about a party of this magnitude. well guess what? if i took my spreadsheets that you don't like, and my lists that you don't think work, and all my little signs and my pretty guestbook and all my boxes and envelopes and pictures, your party would SUCK. and if i didn't put in all those hours poring through the pictures of your ugly face and then stay up all night scanning them, you wouldn't have a slideshow. and if i didn't have friends who like me, there would be no one else helping to do anything. stupid grumpy forgetful self-involved self-absorbed inconsiderate old man.

if i wasn't 2 days away from 300 i would've started imbibing today at noon.

stop the spinning, i'm not ready.

i am a couple of days away from entering the last year of my 20s. i have been going through a weird mental state lately. and it's not like the age thing, because i'm not one of those people who withholds my age or is weird about turning 30 or 40 or whatever. i don't mind the process. it's life; it is what it is.
i guess what's weighing on me comes from planning my dad's 60th birthday. somehow his party has become a 300 attendees event. and that's fine, it's do-able, even though for some reason i have become the person on this. but the slideshow has taken up so much more time than i expected. and filtering through their decades of photos means filtering through decades of my photos. so i'm seeing all these versions of me - all these me's that i used to be. i am not who i was 10 years ago. hell, i'm not even who i was 5 years ago. and i guess it makes me wonder who i will be in the next 5-10 years. but in staying true to the poop, i don't want to think too hard about this and plan and make goals.

and then there is where i am in life. i don't know if this is where i want to be. but i don't know where i would remove myself to. i guess i hope that something or someone will come along and make the choice for me. realistically, that's not going to happen. bleh.

i hate being sick

i am finally getting over my cold. i think. last time i thought that i spent an hour coughing. and i was hoping the phlegm would just get coughed up but no, every time i thought this is it! it totally tricked me and disappeared. so i don't know where it all went, but i know that i did not spit it out. lol. so gross. what did come out in spades was my snot. it was like never ending brain juice coming out through my nose. cuz the more i blew out into those tissues, the more my head seemed to weigh less. i hope you didn't just eat breakfast before reading this lovely post.

so this cold was good for finishing up 24 season 3 and getting started on supernatural season 4 because i took one day off work. but the other days i went to work and that was rough. not rough in the sense that i couldn't function, but i just would have preferred being in pyjamas.

but this cold was bad for other stuff!! i was supposed to go bridal dress shopping in the states with my bffs and i got screwed by the cold so i couldn't go. of course they end up picking the wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses on the first go. it always happens when i'm not there. i think i am destined to never be present to see the look on my brides' faces when they put on their dress for the first time and know that this is the One. i bet if i had gone then we wouldn't have found anything and it would have been fruitless. or at least that's what i tell myself about not being able to go.

this cold also sucks because it makes people tell you things like go to bed early, are you sure you should eat that when you're sick?, i don't think that's good for you, and worst of all - you wouldn't be sick all the time if you exercised. bleh. i hate exercise. HATE! i love being a sloth! just let me be!

k, that's all i got today. hopefully tomorrow i'll be at 100%. this 98% thing just isn't good enough.

the soul train has left the station

things i hate about people on the canada line public transit:

1. the people who sit on the outside seat
2. those same people getting annoyed at every person who has to climb over them to get in/out of the other seat
3. people who stand in doorwells. get the f out the way, i wanna get off!
4. people who push. seriously, just wait
5. boy people who push ahead - it's even worse. whatever happened to ladies first? i miss chivalry
6. people who hold the bar near you with their armpits exposed and/or in your face
7. people who talk loudly on the phone. isn't that why we invented text messaging and bbm?
8. people who talk loudly to each other - your friend is RIGHT THERE! why is being loud necessary??
9. people with backpacks - take it off and put it between your feet
10. people who touch me, even if it's just barely and because we're holding onto the same pole. i just can't stand it.
11. people who clog up the stairs and go slow. we need a fast lane people! move! move! move!!
12. ugly couples indulging in their pda's. barf!! actually, i hate pda's in general. just get a room

to be continued...

i'm sure there are more, but that's all i can think of right now.

13. people who yell questions to the bus driver - if you want to talk to the nice driver, get off your ass and go up to the front!
14. people who put their bags/belongings in the seat next to them, especially as more and more people are getting on the bus. guess what? no one actually wants to sit with you!! most of us just want to sit back and chill after a day of work or school. move your shit!