I'm not here unless you text me

Talking on the phone and I are not friends. We used to be. There was a time back when I was a teenager when I could and would talk on the phone for hours. And hours. And hours. I don't even know what we talked about. I can't remember to whom I did all this talking. All I know is, I couldn't live without a phone on my ear.
Fast forward and I stopped talking on the phone as years of drinking and partying took precedent. Then I didn't have time to talk on the phone as all I had time for was partying! And studying. And sometimes working. Regardless, I was just way too busy to chat about nothing, and texting was good for "on the way" and "i'm outside."
In the meanwhile, I also advanced from my big grey pager to my less big purple pager and then my little black pager, followed by a couple of huge cell phones, a couple of smaller cell phones, and now I'm onto my 4th Blackberry (fried phones, dropped phones, water damage. No fault of RIM's). I'm so in love with texting, BBM, and e-mailing that it's my main form of communication. When the phone rings with a call, I look at it and evaluate. Mom's ringer is the Imperial March and I'll pick up. Unknown numbers, don't pick up. Someone I know, depends what I'm doing. And when it's not someone I'm related to or one of my best friends, I usually say "Dammit!" right before I hit the green button and say "Hello."
I don't even know when I became this person. My friend that I've been talking to on the phone lately comments on how comfortable I sound. He thinks if he keeps calling and making me talk to him then I'll ease back into phone talking. I don't know yet if he's right. I am undecided as to how I feel about finding out.
Communicating is so prevalent in my life and yet the only time I really want to talk to anyone is if they're in my presence. Even then sometimes I am not in the mood. There are people that I talk a lot around, and people that I don't talk at all in front of. With most people I don' t know well I do not speak much. Maybe that's why when I am comfortable I end up talking so much. I don't know what my problem is, but if you have ideas, please do not call me to talk about it. BBM 4ever.

where's the leather duster??

So I love Jim Butcher's books, The Dresden Files. I wasn't sure I would at first b/c Harry Dresden can't raise the dead like Anita Blake or have an awesome pixie sidekick like Rachel Morgan. All he has is a leather duster (spelled to block bullets yo!), a staff (covered in runes to kick your ass!), a blasting rod, and a shield bracelet (accessories are manly!). Because the cool thing about Dresden is that even though he's not a sassy kick-ass chick who deals with the supernatural, he's turned out to be a sarcastic kick-ass wizard dude who deals with the supernatural. He doesn't need to tap into ley lines or rely on sex to get his mojo going. He's got awesome sidekicks and his vampire isn't trying to eat or seduce him. He has awesome pets. He even has an apprentice. Everything about Dresden is cool.
So when I found out there was a TV series, I was pretty excited to watch it. Then I found out it was only 1 season and not renewed. And Lt Karrin Murphy, petite and kick-ass blonde, now Connie Murphy and she's Latina. Haven't seen her akido skills either. And Bob the skull has a body?? And where is Mister? The Blue Beetle is a Jeep? No Gentleman Johnny Marcone? Evil Justin Dumorne is Uncle Justin Morningway? The most notable however, WHERE IS THE LEATHER DUSTER??
Sometimes when books are adapted, changes need to be made in order to make the screen version flow more smoothly or fit better into time restraints. But if you're going to take something beloved and adapt it, don't screw it up. Because it just makes the fans mad. I'm still watching the series just to see what else happens. But I do not like it very much. Adaptations should be done like Games of Thrones - beautiful sets, fantastic actors, and the author involved in the process. This show sucks.

i heart tv

I'm all puffy eyed because tonight I watched the criminal minds episode where prentiss leaves the show. following that i watched the second game of thrones episode. i think it's twice as emotional because it's acted well and it's characters i already know and have set feelings toward. I know who will go on to do what things and it makes every little scene leading to it all the more intense to watch. and I had all these feelings already the first time I experienced it so round 2 brings it all back in a rush. and I cry more watching tv than I do in real life. I get engaged and involved in the fictional tumult of these peoples- fine these characters' lives. maybe I'm crazy. but I do love my tv.

brothers are dumb

my brother is a little bitch. he's the baby of the family and the only boy so he is spoiled, lazy, and thinks he's entitled to shit that he hasn't earned. he has spent his entire life in someone else's shadow, always striving but never being good enough. and he will never be good enough because he doesn't try hard enough. he puts in the minimal effort required and then he quits. everything he has ever tried to do, he has quit for some bullshit reason or another. he's stuck in a bullshit relationship where he does not wear the pants and instead constantly takes his gf's abuse. she puts him down in public, belittles him, and makes him feel like he's stupid and worthless. as a result, he has allowed himself to believe that he is stupid and worthless. and because he believes this is so, he now consistently acts stupid and worthless. normally i don't really care. i mean, if you want to be a failure at life, that's your problem. but now his useless behavior has spilled over and affected me so i'm all angry and shit. and i don't really get angry much these days because sober me doesn't find as much to be angry about. but he makes me angry. and being angry makes me... frustrated. because i don't know what to do with it. i have no one to yell at because he is not here. i have to resist the temptation to break things because that is immature and childish. i can't scream because that would make the neighbours call the police.
when i was an angry person, i was also a raging alcoholic. i would get angry and then i would drink. and then i would drink until i no longer felt anything and it was wonderful to be free of emotion. feeling the way i do now, it's like it all makes sense why i kept drinking. i was angry because of drinking, and because i was physically and mentally exhausted from pushing myself to maintain the party lifestyle to hide the drinking problem. in addition, the excessive drinking kept me from getting proper rest even when i was able to sleep. so i was angry because i was drinking, and drinking because i was angry. and now i'm just good and properly angry and i don't know what to do with myself. i can't drink it away because i refuse to let one little shit ruin my progress. i think i will do laundry. maybe that will help. stupid little miserable human being. blah.

dear general hospital, what the hell?!?!??!

i don't know what's going on in the writers' room at general hospital these days, but i'm the most frustrated i've ever been in all my years of watching this show. i've been a loyal viewer since i was 8 years old. i remember that summer. my parents went to europe, my sister went to asia with my other gramma, and my brother and i spent the summer in LA. i was at gramma & grampa's house and he was at an aunt & uncle's. a few of my uncles and aunt's were still living at gramma's back then, and one aunt in particular was a huge gh fan. she videotaped every episode and we watched them some nights, a couple shows at a time. there were days when i went to work with a diff aunt/uncle and i'd sit in their office at 2pm and watch gh on a little tiny black & white. felicia was a princess and she and frisco were off on some adventure in caves with relics. robert and anna were spies and robin was just a kid. somewhere around that time she met casey the alien. sean & tiffany couldn't have babies and there was a black market baby who was really somebody's sister's baby. i learned about miscarriage on gh. bobbie was still recognizable back then before she had plastic surgery catface and somewhere in my early years there was a heartbreaking storyline because maxie was sick and getting sicker all the time and needed a new heart. then all of a sudden on her way to school one morning bj was killed and bobbie and tony made the decision to donate her organs and her heart went to maxie who was then played by the delightful robyn richards. during that story, i cried for the first time ever watching something on tv. everyone involved was so real and the kids all had their parents for these hard times. the doctors, the families, the friends - they all pulled together and it was beautiful.
so fast forward to today and i don't understand what is happening. jake had so much potential and deeper ties to the community than anyone else (except maybe michael who is also somehow related to everybody). it was so unnecessary to kill this kid. josslyn didn't even need kidneys until the same day that jake died and no one saw her cancer coming either. this storyline wasn't built on enough and i'm left feeling this void. the actors are doing a commendable job for their part. they do bring tears to my eyes. but when i come out of the gh bubble, i have to face that this is a pale shadow of a story compared to bj & maxie's. jake's family hasn't come together. jason has been left on the outside. luke & tracy are hiding on the haunted star. everyone is walking on eggshells around everyone else. and carly is asking jason for his kid's kidney's before even giving him a hug? come on writers! as mean as carly can be, as selfish as she can be, her friendship with jason has always been too important for her to sabotage. she would comfort him as his friend and be there for him and wait at least 10 minutes before telling him about her own pain. not jump right into it. and bobbie, where is she? she lost her daughter once and now her nephew is going through the same pain. and her granddaughter is in need of a transplant. you're telling me carly's mom wouldn't show up for something this important? you're telling me nikolas would go to the hospital and take the boys and not go give his brother a hug? i don't care how strained things are, things have been getting better and brothers hug. everything about this is so unrealistic. it's like bob guza and team forgot how REAL families interact. how they support each other and love each other and are there for each other. lulu wouldn't have left the hospital to tell luke, she would have called him to get his ass over there stat. and she would have called her other brothers and told them to come rally. there are spencers, webbers, and quartermaines involved in this storyline, and it's a time for everyone to come together. i get there are budget cuts happening behind the scenes. but if that's going to stop you from doing a storyline like this right, then don't do it at all. you can't just kill children on daytime television and have it be handled so poorly. kudos to the actors for the work they're doing with what they've been given. but seriously writers, give your viewers some credit. some of us have been watching too long to be fooled by your half-assed storytelling.

Smile and Nod

Sometimes I think I'd like to go on a binger. And what would happen. Would it be completely destructive? Not just to the self, but to all those who surround me as well. Would it begin a new downward spiral or could I control it? Who would I be then if Sobriety no longer defined me? Does Sobriety define me?? Maybe not. But when I was drinking, I can say that drinking defined me. It led to all my bad choices...all those days of regret and repent. How many times did I say "I'm never drinking again"? How many times did I vow to make a change? And how many times have I succeeded? Just this once. What if I went back on that? How bad could it be?
I get why it's a Disease. Because I don't think I'll ever be Cured. Not really. It will always fester in either a small or large part of my brain and exist. It will always be an idea, a thought, a temptation, an inkling, a calling, a longing. There will always be that niggling feeling, a part of me that wonders how it would taste, how it would feel, what would the effects be... There will be a part of my brain that shouts, "Let's find out!" And I will have to fight and remember that I am stronger than that. That I am better. That I can do what's right and succeed. And survive.
And then I will shut down the little dark drunky ball in my mind and carry on and no one will be the wiser that I just had this whole conversation - this whole debate - in my head. Smile and nod. Smile and not. Remember why. Carry on.

771

I kind of feel like a fraud. So many people have these totally debilitating addictions that they need rehab and AA and interventions for. They have these stories that are way worse than my worst night. They have all these issues that cause their lives to be these dark dark pits of emptiness and substance abuse. And then there's me. I've done some stupid things and had some bad nights. I've heard a lot of stories where I was the star but I have no memory of the events that took place. But nothing near as devastating as what some other people go through. And while it's great that I can say I'm over 2 years sober and it was a hard road to get me to this place, I feel like I'm just a fraud with a fake addiction.