i heart tv

I'm all puffy eyed because tonight I watched the criminal minds episode where prentiss leaves the show. following that i watched the second game of thrones episode. i think it's twice as emotional because it's acted well and it's characters i already know and have set feelings toward. I know who will go on to do what things and it makes every little scene leading to it all the more intense to watch. and I had all these feelings already the first time I experienced it so round 2 brings it all back in a rush. and I cry more watching tv than I do in real life. I get engaged and involved in the fictional tumult of these peoples- fine these characters' lives. maybe I'm crazy. but I do love my tv.

brothers are dumb

my brother is a little bitch. he's the baby of the family and the only boy so he is spoiled, lazy, and thinks he's entitled to shit that he hasn't earned. he has spent his entire life in someone else's shadow, always striving but never being good enough. and he will never be good enough because he doesn't try hard enough. he puts in the minimal effort required and then he quits. everything he has ever tried to do, he has quit for some bullshit reason or another. he's stuck in a bullshit relationship where he does not wear the pants and instead constantly takes his gf's abuse. she puts him down in public, belittles him, and makes him feel like he's stupid and worthless. as a result, he has allowed himself to believe that he is stupid and worthless. and because he believes this is so, he now consistently acts stupid and worthless. normally i don't really care. i mean, if you want to be a failure at life, that's your problem. but now his useless behavior has spilled over and affected me so i'm all angry and shit. and i don't really get angry much these days because sober me doesn't find as much to be angry about. but he makes me angry. and being angry makes me... frustrated. because i don't know what to do with it. i have no one to yell at because he is not here. i have to resist the temptation to break things because that is immature and childish. i can't scream because that would make the neighbours call the police.
when i was an angry person, i was also a raging alcoholic. i would get angry and then i would drink. and then i would drink until i no longer felt anything and it was wonderful to be free of emotion. feeling the way i do now, it's like it all makes sense why i kept drinking. i was angry because of drinking, and because i was physically and mentally exhausted from pushing myself to maintain the party lifestyle to hide the drinking problem. in addition, the excessive drinking kept me from getting proper rest even when i was able to sleep. so i was angry because i was drinking, and drinking because i was angry. and now i'm just good and properly angry and i don't know what to do with myself. i can't drink it away because i refuse to let one little shit ruin my progress. i think i will do laundry. maybe that will help. stupid little miserable human being. blah.