Drugs Are Bad

yes, it's very soon after my last post, but it's one of those weeks i guess where there is just too much to contemplate over.

so if you follow, then you'll remember my lethargic grampa not remembering my name at home and then remembering it with attitude in the hospital before he was moved into another care facility. i was told that after he moved into the home, he went back to being lifeless and pretty much a zombie. my mom was telling me how they couldn't get him to do much when they were there and i got a couple updates, all pretty much saying he was losing it.

well through most of this my uncle who is the most involved with my grampa's health was away on business. upon his return he knew right away what the problem was. in fact, it was a repeat problem. back in the winter after my gramps suffered his bad fall and brain hemorrhaging, he was in the hospital and moved into a diff home. during the hosp stay, my uncle pointed out that this anti-depressant the docs put gramps on was making him a zombie. docs argued that he was depressed. the thing is, he wasn't depressed and lethargic till the bastards put him on that stuff. he was taken off the meds before he went into the rehab facility and during that time he had his moments where he was his stubborn self, but for the most part, at least he had energy and was willing to try his exercises. what we didn't know was that when he was sent home from this place some idiot put him back on the drugs. yes, it's crazy that there could have been this oversight and no one noticed but my gramps has 7 kids and they're old school so communication hasn't always been great.

we think that if he hadn't been on this stupid drug when he went home, he would've continued his exercises and had more life to him. he would have remembered my name and his face would have lit up like i'm used to when i walk in the room. he wouldn't have become a zombie sitting in his chair all day developing sores and subsequently a staph infection. he wouldn't have had to go back to the hospital and had a surgery. he wouldn't have been moved into a different home instead of staying in his actual Home. he'd be at home now probably, where he is the happiest. nope, instead of all the possibilities for the positives, now we're back to square one. my uncle had to berate the doctor for putting him back on the meds when it wasn't necessary (and deal with his jerkface behavior - wtf yo. you f'd up doc, just deal with it and help make it better. don't give the family any more grief). now that gramps is off the meds again, they say he is way more alert and has a lot more energy. sure, he's still as stubborn as ever, and having more energy means that when he's pissed off at you it's a way more boisterous pissed off - but i take that over zombie gramps any day.

of course it doesn't mean he can go home. he has fallen so behind because he wasn't able to do any therapy since he's been in this place. he's barely walked in the last couple of months, and when he does, it's not easy. it's bad enough that these people have to get old and have so many issues, but really doctor man, really - you're just going to put them on these drugs that zombify them and let them wait it out in retardation until they waste away? that's your answer? that's what your medical degree got you to? are you f-ing kidding me? a part of me wants to say that it must be because my gramps is stuck in the american system too, but that's not all of it. i mean, doctors aren't ALL bad. (yes, i'm referring to you bunches, you better have f-ing good bedside manners or we can't be cyber friends anymore). i just don't know why this doctor (and a few others my family has had to deal with) bothered with the years and years of starving studenthood and debt and hard work and no social life (oh yeah, that's a huge part of his lack of people skills i'm sure) just to get his med degree (i guess the money comes back more than you spent right), and then behaves like he's entitled. you're not entitled. patients are people too. my gramps may not have had the overextended education or the high paying salary, but he worked hard too. and he's a person, despite his old age. treat him with a little dignity. treat them all with a little more dignity. they all just waste away in this home under the "care" of this doctor and he doesn't even see it because he doesn't care. what a load of crap.

so my thoughts weren't exactly laid out in the skilled manner that you'd expect from an english major but suck it. i'm pissed off and my grampa deserves better. all these patients do.

i'm sure a huge part of the anger is my own guilt though. i can't be there. i don't visit every day. i don't even visit every month. i haven't seen him since april and the reality is, i don't know when i'll be going back down again. it's hard to be so far away. i miss ya gong. :(

I Like Friends

*Sidebar: Dreams about cheating on your SO usually signifies guilt in life - usually completely unrelated to your relationship. Cut someone off on the highway? Undertipped your server? Gave yourself a five finger discount at the store? Maybe something more serious, but you gotta deal with it. DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT!

i think people have friendships or they have relationships. and it starts early on, you make a choice. i've lost a few people who turned out to be relationship people. i was here when they were heart broken and busted up. i was here when they wanted to go out and have a good time and meet new people. i was here when they met the next person they were going to ditch me for. and i'm still here and i have friends and my life doesn't suck. and where are they now? still consumed by their relationship, whoever they may be with now. and the friends they have aren't real friends. they won't tell you if you've drawn your eyebrows on crooked. they won't tell you that that color looks awful on your skin tone. they won't tell you that those shoes do not look good with that shirt (hell, the truth is you shouldn't have bought those shoes at all). the false friends will never give you bad news, especially about yourself, because you're all so unsure about how secure this friendship really is. how much it could and couldn't survive. but you can't risk it because without these false friendships, you got nothing. no one. except your relationship. and that sucks. not because the relationship sucks, but because a healthy relationship means you still have friends and a life of your own - an identity.

and then there are friend people. friend people have had some of the same friends forever, yet still have the ability to make new friends in life. and yes, friends come and go and you don't have time for everybody, but at least you know that you can always count on your friend person. they're solid. even when they're in a relationship, they will drop whatever is going on and be there for you when you need it because you still matter. when they tell you that they love the dress you're wearing and you look great it in, they really mean it. they won't invite their SO when you specify you need a girls' night because they know that sometimes you just need a girls' night. or if they're boy people, they'll remember to invite you on boys' night even though you're a girl because you're not a girlfriend but you're part of the group and it's more fun when you're all together like old times. friend people will never lie to you even if it hurts you. they won't forget about you just because they're in a relationship that makes them happy (in fact, they'll want their SO to get to know you). they will be there in dark times and good. friend people are good people.

i guess what brought this on was the recent conversations i've been having with my girlfriends about all these people that we've lost along the way. all these people who chose something else over you and never looked back. or looked back too late. all these people who constantly put themselves first and never see how they're doing something wrong in a friendship. and sometimes i feel sadness that some people aren't in my life anymore because they turned out to be sucky people. but for the most part i'm grateful that they aren't really around to bring me down anymore and i'm so grateful to the friends who have stuck around and supported me and believed in me.

i always say i don't need a boyfriend and it's true. because if i'm going to end up with someone and he's supposed to be my best friend and life partner and someone i want to have sex with on a regular basis until we're old, he's got really high standards to meet and a first class group of people he has to become on par with. that's going to be really really hard and if he's out there looking for me, i wish him luck because i know it won't be easy. and i'm so glad i love me enough to be okay with being by myself forever. plus, i have friends who'll be around forever. i'm lucky. and i know it. and friends, thanks. i value your friendship.

150 Days

i am on the brink of 150 days of sobriety. 150 days. on the one hand, i feel like i should be really proud of myself. on the other, it's like, peanuts. plus, i still want to drink. not all the time like i used to, but a lot of the time. when i'm at someone's house and there's a bottle of wine all chilled and pretty and opened and just sitting there whispering, "drink me" and i can't. when i'm involved in wedding planning conversations - not because of the stress or painfulness of wedding planning. that part i can actually deal with. it's the idea of attending a wedding and getting through an entire day without drinking. i have never been sober at a wedding. maybe once actually. that night is blocked out subconsciously though for other reasons that i will not get into here and now. i think i was dying for a drink though. and i left early. so that didn't work out very well. when the canucks lost to the blackhawks in a very emotional game 6 in round 2. man i wanted to drink and drink and drink and not go to work the next day. the canucks were the only thing that provided excitement and made me forget about wanting to drink. until they lost. *sigh. sometimes i want to go out and party, but i don't like partying sober, so i don't do that.
150 days is such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, i'm really feeling like i just don't know what to do with myself. i mean, other than watching my tv shows, watching movies, watching thc canucks play, reading books, and the occassional hanging with friends, i feel like i just have no interest in anything else. i don't want to go anywhere or do anything that requires effort. and that's sad. because i am capable of being more fun than this. and i'm just not right now. sobriety sucks.