The Most Awkward

I'm single. I mean, SO single. I've been single for the better part of a decade. Longer even. My last serious boyfriend was in the year 2000. I have since dated and had flings and things, but nothing that I would count as an actual relationship. So in my opinion, this makes me the most single person I know. The Most Single.
Since sobriety, I've actually pretty much stopped dating altogether. Being sober means being cognitive when you're with other people and when it's new and forced, I become the most awkward. It's just not fun. So I don't do it anymore.
This freaks people out. I've met some super awesome people in the last few months, and they all said they wanted to set me up with someone. And I've pretty much turned them all down. I don't know how to function in a setting like that, so I just avoid it. I know, I have issues. A lot of them.
So this thing happened where I was in an airport having lunch before a flight. I was just sitting there eating and chatting with my cousin when I looked over and this dude was staring at me. He must have read a manual or something because when I made accidental eye contact with him, he slowly broke into this almost creepy smile. He was kinda cute, looked younger than me, and alone. I'm sure he was harmless, but I looked away quickly and then avoided looking in his general direction after that. Except when I was looking for our server to get the bill and get out. Then I accidentally made eye contact again and it happened again. He went from straight faced to this slow grin. It was so weird. We left shortly after and I never saw him again.
The thing is, I read a lot and there are always these cute meet stories and I'm always like, yes, IF I were in that situation and the guy was that hot, then for sure, this is how I want to meet someone. But in real life that doesn't happen. So say I was not me. Say I was a normal person. What does a normal person do in a situation like that? Smile back, for one. Then what? I don't get it. I'm bad at human interaction.
This may be a lie, because I have a lot of friends and family that I'm close with, and clearly I have no issues interacting with them. Let's rephrase. I'm bad at stranger interaction.
But you know what? I'm okay with that.

Remember me?

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the "good ol' days" - which really means those times I used to drink myself into oblivion and all I did was party party party all the time. The bright spot is that when I'm telling the stories, I can control which ones I tell and what I reveal about my sordid history. When I'm with other people who have stories, luckily the only people I'm ever around who were there during those times, have good memories too. The few times I was in dark places, and weird situations, whoever I may have been with at the time, those people are no longer in my life. So I can have these stories told and be okay because I know nothing really terrible will be revealed.

The truly odd thing about it all is, it almost seems like I'm telling stories about someone else. Like all those things happened to a different person. And in a way, I suppose they did. They happened to someone who was not who I am now.

If you ask me why I stopped drinking, I can tell you a lot of different reasons. I was out of control. I was angry all the time. My body was not functioning at full capacity. I didn't like who I was. I didn't like how I felt. I didn't want to be my baby niece's drunk auntie. But ask me why I was drinking so much in the first place, and I have nothing. Sure, I enjoyed the taste of certain drinks. I liked to sip whiskey hot in the winter. I liked a cold margarita in the summer. I liked having wine with girlfriends. I liked shots of Jager to keep the party going. But why did I need to drink more than 10 shots of Jager in a night? Why did I need to go out almost every night of every week so I could get plastered? Why did I put myself in dangerous situations? Why? Even I don't have the answers. But I am constantly grateful that I made the decision to stop drinking and the strength that I have found to stay sober for the last 5.5 years.

I don't think of myself as an extreme sort of person, but maybe I am. Because I went from drinking too much, to not drinking at all. From partying every night, to being a totally chill homebody. From being a crazy social being, to this hermit state.

This isn't regret or wistful nostalgia. It's just a reflection on how much a person can change in 5 years, or from one decade to the next. And at the heart of it all, maybe I am the same.

"Not all those who wander are lost." - JRR Tolkien