365 Days Later

I did it! Just me. I mean, I had support and thank you Friends, I'd be nowhere without you. But mostly, I did it. I was the one who said no and didn't need some stranger telling me what to do or how to do it. I didn't need to stand up in a room full of people I don't know and tell them my stories. I stopped being ashamed and told people I knew what was going on with me. It is so much more empowering and fulfilling to tell it to people who actually know me. To admit that I made mistakes. To admit I was damn lucky nothing really bad ever happened to me during the Crazy Days. To admit that I made secret decisions that affected the people around me and were harmful to myself. To admit that I screwed up and screwed around and woke up one day realizing that's not who I want to be. I didn't want to be the girl with the Party rep. I didn't want to be Alyssa's drunk aunt. I didn't want to be angry and tired all the time. But that's who I was. And now I'm not. And I can get through hard times and sad times and good times without a drink. It's been 365 days and I'm just proud that I got here. And I thank everyone who ever raised pom poms for me. Everyone who ever believed in me. Everyone who supported me and didn't judge me and are still around because they like me just as much Sober. I couldn't have done it without you.

xoxox


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WTF it's already November?

where did this year go?

so it's november. last year in november, my gramma passed away. and while i didn't see that coming, a part of me is bold enough to say that i don't see anything like that happening this year. then the other part of me is like shut the f up before you jinx yourself! and then i tell me that i'm not superstitious enough to care. but other me says maybe you are but denial is not just another river in egypt yo. to which all i have to say back is eat poop be happy.

but enough about the voices in my head. it's november. first things first, i bought my ticket to get out of here for xmas. i really want to be away this year. not just because my family here doesn't really do christmas the way it should be done, but because i really really miss the rest of my extended brood. despite the occasional drama, i'm always happy when i'm with them. and i think i just need it. it's been a long year. between the dead gramma issues and the not drinking demons, i just feel like i need a break from my life. but not the kind of break that is exotic and filled with strangers and maybe a couple of familiar people (although that sure worked for stella and look at her groove), but like the kind of break that involves being surrounded by people who love me. not that my parents don't love me, they really do. but it's just ... different. plus the wall to wall presents are balls of fun. and there are all these kids, but i actually like all of them. and there are grandparents, i can't get that here anymore.

oh holidays. how can i love you and hate you so much at the same time? i was just telling someone how much i dread xmas shopping because of the ring ring ringing of the bells from the fake santas and their charity buckets. and i hate the carollers. i don't care, i just don't enjoy it. i like xmas songs - done by like, sugarland or nsync or something lol. i don't like the la la fake opera carollers. with their curly tight hair and long old fashioned dresses. blah. oh, and i hate the crowds and the pushing and the desperation of people who have no idea what they're buying yet insist on slowly ambling thru the mall anyway, stopping just in front of you periodically as they realize they are in the mall and have no idea where they are going or what they are doing. get the f out of my way!! but i love the feel of xmas morning. i love the getting together with my fave people and opening the presents and all the fun stuff. i love my peoples. i hate shopping for them, but i love them.

I have a Question

If you're talking nerd with a dude about the graphic novels you read because .. I don't remember how it came up .. But then like ten minutes later he calls you and says, "hey I'm going to [insert comic store here] later, do you want to come," do you think there are ulterior motives? Oh! Flash! I remember. He said something about ideas going stale and that's why comic writers are always flipped every couple years and I said I don't think that's always the case (I could be wrong I'm not THAT nerd), thus conversation ensued. Anyway, I declined the offer politely regardless. But I just don't know. I'm so uninterested that I go through life oblivious. Since that hasn't always worked out in my favor, maybe it's time I start asking myself the pertinent questions.



Or maybe I could just say No a lot and carry on.







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sleep. need. sleep.

i want to say that i have some kind of iron deficiency or low blood sugar or something, but the truth is, i just go to bed late. and i sleep for about 5 1/2 to 6 hours every night. and i can function on 6, am best at 6 1/2, and am dying as i am leaning closer to the 5-5 1/2 every night lately.

why don't i go to bed earlier, you ask. well that sounds like a simple solution, but it's not that simple for me. even on nights when i do get my ass to bed at a decent time, i end up reading or doing a crossword and that keeps me up for a bit longer. and if i don't? then i just lie there and swear in my head as i don't fall asleep in the darkness.

and so since i know i won't be able to fall asleep right away, i've been letting myself watch shows a little bit later than usual. this is all because my sister and niece were here so i fell totally behind (those nights i was up because of the baby. she's cute and loveable, but becomes a crazy party monster at night), and now i have to catch up on like 2 weeks of shows. my life is sad.

and so even though i know what all the problems are, i'm not trying very hard to fix it. i need to sleep. and i need to sleep badly. i'm so tired ALL THE TIME!! argh. yawn.

what the eff. the king is dead.

and while in most instances these days, people would be referring to the king of pop, i am not. i am referring to the debacle that is my father's b-day party. i am at the point where i do not even want to go. i just don't care anymore.

so here's the deal. the old man is turning 60. and his bday is not actually until november, but he wanted to do the party on halloween. and i said, if that's the case, it will have to be a costume party. that would have been fun right? doesn't matter. my sister decided that his party should be over a long weekend so as to make it easier for them to attend from the prairies. so one would think november long weekend since there isn't any conflict there. except that he doesn't want to celebrate after the fact. and he's getting another all expenses paid trip to asia. so october long weekend it was. at this point the only other family he has in town can't make it because they made plans long ago because he told them his party would be in november. way too complicated already.

so he finds a hall to throw this bash. yay! but he wants everyone to be dressed all formal. boo! the hall has murals on the wall, streamers on the ceiling, and red and white checkered tablecloths. see how formal isn't really the attire one would think to wear at a venue like this? but that's even a moot point. who cares how people dress? not me. i'm just about judging people. no matter what class your outfit falls into, if it's awful, i will secretly think mean mean thoughts regardless. that makes me chuckle.

my biggest ish has been the guestlist. every day he is adding and removing people. there is a rsvp by date for a reason. that reason is organization. i'm a huge fan. he doesn't know the meaning of the word. so he wants me to hold off on finalizing his table arrangements and printing out the stuff i need until he is ready. he thinks he'll be ready on saturday 5 minute before we leave the house. i'm giving him until later tonight. because i'm tired of it. i'm just tired. but even more bizarre? he wants us to go set up the venue tonight. how can we set up a venue when the more important thing regarding the set up is the number of people coming and where they are sitting? i can't print those off yet!! idiot!

he wanted to sing all night long and turn it into a concert. but i'm going to go ahead and say that not all of your audience is fan of the music. shiz i don't even think all of the audience is a fan of you. and i can 100% guarantee that one spunky former redhead at table 2 is not a fan of yours at all. so hold the phone, i'm going to come up with stuff to actually make this party fun! because that's what i do best - have fun.

and now that i've spent the money and come up with the ideas and did all the hard work, you're going to tell me that i do not know how to throw/organize a party of this magnitude and i'm incompetent!!?? talk about ungrateful. i haven't slept in days. i am barely eating too, because there is no time to go to work, do all of the crap i have to for his party, and get in some me-time. i have forgone spending quality time with people that i actually like so that i can go to dollar stores and find things that i need at a decent price point. and i could have picked the ugly gold elephants!! but i didn't!! i spent a dollar more per item and got the cute wooden blocks!

i called him this morning to ask him to tell me about the charity that he has chosen for the 50/50 draw and he told me he is on the board of directors. dude, i don't care if you're the custodian, i just want to know who benefits and how. and when i asked that (in a normal way, i wasn't a bitch yet), he said i was being a stupid jerk. well you know what? fuck you and fuck your stupid party. just because you dress up like elvis, it doesn't make you the fucking king. it makes you a douchebag. he has shown absolutely no appreciation for anything!! because i don't know anything about a party of this magnitude. well guess what? if i took my spreadsheets that you don't like, and my lists that you don't think work, and all my little signs and my pretty guestbook and all my boxes and envelopes and pictures, your party would SUCK. and if i didn't put in all those hours poring through the pictures of your ugly face and then stay up all night scanning them, you wouldn't have a slideshow. and if i didn't have friends who like me, there would be no one else helping to do anything. stupid grumpy forgetful self-involved self-absorbed inconsiderate old man.

if i wasn't 2 days away from 300 i would've started imbibing today at noon.

stop the spinning, i'm not ready.

i am a couple of days away from entering the last year of my 20s. i have been going through a weird mental state lately. and it's not like the age thing, because i'm not one of those people who withholds my age or is weird about turning 30 or 40 or whatever. i don't mind the process. it's life; it is what it is.
i guess what's weighing on me comes from planning my dad's 60th birthday. somehow his party has become a 300 attendees event. and that's fine, it's do-able, even though for some reason i have become the person on this. but the slideshow has taken up so much more time than i expected. and filtering through their decades of photos means filtering through decades of my photos. so i'm seeing all these versions of me - all these me's that i used to be. i am not who i was 10 years ago. hell, i'm not even who i was 5 years ago. and i guess it makes me wonder who i will be in the next 5-10 years. but in staying true to the poop, i don't want to think too hard about this and plan and make goals.

and then there is where i am in life. i don't know if this is where i want to be. but i don't know where i would remove myself to. i guess i hope that something or someone will come along and make the choice for me. realistically, that's not going to happen. bleh.

i hate being sick

i am finally getting over my cold. i think. last time i thought that i spent an hour coughing. and i was hoping the phlegm would just get coughed up but no, every time i thought this is it! it totally tricked me and disappeared. so i don't know where it all went, but i know that i did not spit it out. lol. so gross. what did come out in spades was my snot. it was like never ending brain juice coming out through my nose. cuz the more i blew out into those tissues, the more my head seemed to weigh less. i hope you didn't just eat breakfast before reading this lovely post.

so this cold was good for finishing up 24 season 3 and getting started on supernatural season 4 because i took one day off work. but the other days i went to work and that was rough. not rough in the sense that i couldn't function, but i just would have preferred being in pyjamas.

but this cold was bad for other stuff!! i was supposed to go bridal dress shopping in the states with my bffs and i got screwed by the cold so i couldn't go. of course they end up picking the wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses on the first go. it always happens when i'm not there. i think i am destined to never be present to see the look on my brides' faces when they put on their dress for the first time and know that this is the One. i bet if i had gone then we wouldn't have found anything and it would have been fruitless. or at least that's what i tell myself about not being able to go.

this cold also sucks because it makes people tell you things like go to bed early, are you sure you should eat that when you're sick?, i don't think that's good for you, and worst of all - you wouldn't be sick all the time if you exercised. bleh. i hate exercise. HATE! i love being a sloth! just let me be!

k, that's all i got today. hopefully tomorrow i'll be at 100%. this 98% thing just isn't good enough.

the soul train has left the station

things i hate about people on the canada line public transit:

1. the people who sit on the outside seat
2. those same people getting annoyed at every person who has to climb over them to get in/out of the other seat
3. people who stand in doorwells. get the f out the way, i wanna get off!
4. people who push. seriously, just wait
5. boy people who push ahead - it's even worse. whatever happened to ladies first? i miss chivalry
6. people who hold the bar near you with their armpits exposed and/or in your face
7. people who talk loudly on the phone. isn't that why we invented text messaging and bbm?
8. people who talk loudly to each other - your friend is RIGHT THERE! why is being loud necessary??
9. people with backpacks - take it off and put it between your feet
10. people who touch me, even if it's just barely and because we're holding onto the same pole. i just can't stand it.
11. people who clog up the stairs and go slow. we need a fast lane people! move! move! move!!
12. ugly couples indulging in their pda's. barf!! actually, i hate pda's in general. just get a room

to be continued...

i'm sure there are more, but that's all i can think of right now.

13. people who yell questions to the bus driver - if you want to talk to the nice driver, get off your ass and go up to the front!
14. people who put their bags/belongings in the seat next to them, especially as more and more people are getting on the bus. guess what? no one actually wants to sit with you!! most of us just want to sit back and chill after a day of work or school. move your shit!

so long, summer

first, i realized while watching twilight with the commentary on that bella's mom is nina from 24. bella officially has the worst parents ever. Jack Bauer still rules. i finished season 2 last night. i have to wait until tomorrow before i get season 3. luckily, melrose place debuts tonight so i'll have much to do! who needs sunshine when i have so many new friends and enemies to be made on tv.

having said that, the sun is shining right now, and that makes me happy while slaving away behind my desk. by slaving i mean figuring out what to put in my blog.

i didn't drink any coffee on the weekend. i overcame all the crappy headaches and withdrawals... but after drinking half of this morning's coffee, i'm all jittery and crazy. maybe i should have stayed off the coffee. argh. what a weird feeling.

had my first thanksgiving dinner of the year last night. we call it bernie's thanksgiving b/c he lives in asia so we usually have an early thanksgiving for him to enjoy before he returns. this year it just happened especially early. but who cares? turkey and stuffing and potatoes and gravy = heaven in my mouth!

if Jack Bauer was a superhero, he'd be Jack Bauer

i have a new addiction and it's more powerful than my cravings for alcohol. it's 24. how the f was this show on for 8 years and i never saw it? like not even a few minutes of it. and for as long as it has been on, people have been telling me to watch it. i watch everything on tv and i somehow missed this little gem. in the last 7 days i have watched all of season 1 and started season 2 of this show. and i can't stop. from the first hour that Jack Bauer was having the longest day of his life till the day ended with **i don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen this but should** dead in his arms, i was consumed. every day all i wanted to do was go home and watch 24. i was sleeping late and tired through the day and yet somehow i was awake and watching more instead of napping when i got home. my whole weekend was spent in my pyjamas watching this show. i only stopped long enough to have dinner with friends. then i went home and continued until 5am. and somewhere along the way i figured out where they developed the concept for one of my fave but now defunct shows, the unit. that really made it for me. it was so exciting.
anyway, i'm in season 2 now, Jack Bauer is back, and i have a feeling this is going to be another week filled with my new obsession.
btw, wtf bella's dad was soooo creepy back when he was megan's dad. lol. i don't know if i'm going to be able to look at charlie swan the same way now that i've seen him in full creep mode. because yes, the roles actors take totally change how i feel about them. and yes, i am one of those people who thinks people on tv are my friends. or my enemies.
and if you're wondering about my posting frequency, just assume that my butt is planted to my couch and move on.
but seriously, how did i let this one get by me?? 24 is AWESOME! (plus i have a full fall schedule coming up, so i gotta squeeze in as many seasons of 24 in as i can before i won't have time anymore. and my pvr holds less since i record in hd. and yes, by full fall schedule i'm referring to tv programming.)
and running commentary as 2.2 is on currently: i thought kim was being so dumb, and just when it's like, omg you moron, call your father, she does something redeeming like beats down charlie swan with a jack iron thingy. that was pretty kickass. i need to stop thinking of him as charlie swan before new moon comes out.
holy crap have you seen the new pix released of the volturi??? they look awesome. i'm a huge dakota fanning fan. actually, all the younger cast was well chosen. they've all played creepy roles that i remember them in. very well done. i'm so excited.
i'm all over the map today. you may think i'm on drugs. but i'm not. it's just Jack Bauer.

i don't date.

i don't mean to be that girl, but sometimes the words come out of my mouth before i really know what i'm saying. well, i know what i'm saying. and it's coming out pretty much verbatim for what's in my head. i guess what i mean is, i haven't installed a filter so there's no cushion. it's just a blatant whatever it is i'm saying. in this instance, i'm now 2 for 2 when it comes to my friend's buddies. one of them i got to talking to last year at a bbq with my friends and after chatting he asked for my number and i just chuckled and said no. maybe i could have said, i'm sorry but i'm not comfortable giving you my number. but i didn't. i chuckled. and said NO. this time around i was chatting with my buddy's buddy into the night because everyone was drifting off to sleep/bed and i was up trying to read (seriously, who tries to carry on a conversation when the other party is trying to read???). and somewhere in there he asked if i was married or in a relationship or dating (i admit that it was pretty nice guy behaviour to put the feelers out first) and of course i'm not. and then he asked if i ever go out (let's be realistic here. sobriety has turned me in to a nun. the answer to that is also of course i'm not lol). so then after i tell him why i hate dating (he asks me questions, i don't give real answers because i don't like to reveal too much to someone i don't know, and i never ask questions back because the truth is, i just don't care - which is how i know i should not be on a date), he proceeds to ask me out for dinner. to which i didn't even think, i just said no. and he was just like, really? just no? lol. um, pretty much. but i mean, if you don't just say no, don't they get the wrong idea? don't they carry on hope somewhere that your indirect answer could mean yes? i don't want there to be any confusion. it really is just NO. i don't see the problem in holding out to meet someone i might want to have dinner with before i stop saying no to everyone else.

eat it eat it get yourself an egg and beat it

i'm having the weirdest week. so far it's been very good but every night i'm having dreams about whoever i was with during the day or whatever i've been watching on tv. it's very bizarre and i am exhausted!! after watching 4 hours of defying gravity, i dreamed about space travel all night. my crew was totally not the cast but there we were, in space. it was so weird.

but good things have been happening and i've been spending time with my friends. yay friends! except one friend that i usually see all the time. he's being totally weird and making me feel like i'm the weird one, but i know that i'm not because i'm the one who was trying to hang out and he's just been ignoring me. telling me that he's giving me "space" or some shit doesn't even make sense. so dumb. whatevs, be that way. weirdo. if anyone needs space, it's clearly NOT me. (and i just rolled my eyes).

so since the new train line opened up, i've been on it every day. it has cut my commute in HALF!! so exciting. and even when i don't get a seat and i'm stuck standing - it's 20 minutes so no big! love it. and on a plus side, i take the stairs up and down in the stations and have an extra bit of walking to do. this is the most exercise i'm going to get, so i may as well max it right? and the great thing about my body is even the tiniest bit of exercise totally regulates me. a little more pep in my step and hopefully my junk-food loving/pvr addicted butt will get back down to my normal weight!

anypoops, better get some sleep. ciao for now!

this is happiness

so after a miserable week of feeling like crap and hating everyone, i got to spend a beautiful weekend with many of my good girlfriends. i think that having girlfriends is so important. guys are great, don't get me wrong. i love my guy friends, and they're there for me and so awesome and dependable and fun. but it's just not the same kind of therapeutic relief as being with girlfriends.
this weekend saw me with new girlfriends and new experiences - i went to a horserace in a pretty dress and hung out with someone new in my life that i like very much and it was a ton of fun!
and this weekend also included old girlfriends - i went to the wedding of someone who i've been close with and grew apart from, and have now found balance with. i'm grateful that she is in my life and she really has been there for some crazy times, so we'll always have that! and i spent the day with an unexpectedly awesome girlfriend (by that i mean we didn't think we'd ever be friends but now we see each other ALL THE TiME and love it), and i was so glad she wanted to see me all day. plus, at this wedding were some other girlfriends that i just haven't seen in years and it was such a nice and fun reunion (for all of us i think). i'm not going to lie, i dread weddings, but i had a really good time and ended up staying for much longer than i thought i would.
but the absolute highlight was that this weekend was filled with best girlfriends. i spent the better part of a day with my bestests. i love Love LOVE when all 5 of us are together because these are the girlfriends who mean the most to me. they have seen me through the good, the bad, and the ugly (and i don't just mean boys). i love being around them, and we have great times, even if we're just walking up a street or sitting around talking for hours.
and i didn't talk about my shitty week because it was so irrelevant. it was so far away and behind me and it just didn't matter. i was just so happy to be with the people i love so much. and i know that no matter where our lives take us and what kind of experiences we go through, together or apart, we will always have each other to turn to. no matter how far away we may be from one another, we're really just a phone call away. or in my case, an e-mail because i hate talking on the phone so much.
of course there are one or two girlfriends that i would have loved to have seen that would have just made the weekend perfection, but alas, one can only do so much in 48 hours.
p.s. you know who you are missing girlfriend. lol.

i need to get gruntled

i don't know what's up my butt lately, but i'm becoming seriously disgruntled. mostly i guess it's because i've become one of those people who is unhappy at work. seeing as i spend 8 hours a day here, plus a couple hours commuting, i would say most of my waking hours revolve around work. and i know at some point i wrote about how much i liked my job. well somewhere between then and now, i discovered unhappiness. as days go by, things pop up that lead me to dislike my situation more and more. the main cause is that i feel underappreciated. i was told this would happen, so it's not like i wasn't warned. but it's this funny little thing where the longer you're around, the better you perform, the less they like and appreciate you. that's why people leave. i want to be one of those people. if you or someone you know would like to hire me, please do.

add to that the random idiocy that gets thrown in. just this morning i had a little episode of racism. and was she apologetic or better yet, recognize that she was being a racist bitch? no. she just kept talking. and now i'm going to pay by being the recipient of her further bitchiness because of course i'm clearly the one who was wrong. i have no tolerance for stupidity.

it rains. actually, it pours. hard. it's like the little raincloud that was over my head yesterday just expanded and decided to take over the entire lower mainland. i like it.

in other news, i want to drink. most likely because i'm disgruntled. i am 242 days sober, and all i can think about is how great it would be to just go home and kick back with a bottle of wine. every day i go home and open up the drink fridge. i had 3 bottles of white chilling when i gave up the sauce and i never could take them out... one by one they have been consumed. i don't know when or by whom, but there's part of one left. and i look at them wistfully and think, you could be in my belly. and then close the fridge and walk away. and a part of me thinks, who the f is drinking my shiz? and then another part of me thinks, better them than me. and then i just have to do something else and not think about it. i was sitting at a bar a couple of days ago for a few hours. and the whole time i thought about all the things i could have been drinking. but all i had was a blended juice and a hot tea. yesterday i was sitting in a pub sipping on iced tea. no wonder i don't like going out anymore. everywhere i go, people are drinking. everyone drinks. everyone but me. sobriety sucks.

when you grow up, your heart dies

john hughes fans: wellknowwhenwegetthere.blogspot.com
there's a really great post by john hughes' former pen pal.

i always want to read into peoples writing. did he know this was how he'd go out? was this something he thought about? or was he just writing to the character?

i learned last year that heart attacks happen. but i think there is more to be celebrated here than mourned. ferris bueller remains in my top 10 all-time movies and the breakfast club will always be awesome. so thank you john hughes. you will be missed.

how to travel with friends & confuse people

As much as I like hanging out with my godbrother, sometimes I just like a window seat, my ipod, and a book. And the thing is, he too likes a window seat and his ipod more than me! So it works. Plus we got to say things like, "we don't like each other that much," "she paid me to help her with her luggage," or "no, we really don't want to sit together." Hearing these things makes stupid people confused. I like to confuse stupid people.



Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.

everyone is in denial

sometimes it's about so much more than what it seems like, but usually there's an idiot involved and s/he can't see far enough past their own nose to realize what it is that they're actually looking at. take for example, my brother. he thinks he's doing me a favor all the time. he gives me a ride to the bus in the morning, and lots of times when we go out, he pays for lunch or bubble tea or whatever. so for him, it's time and gas and money. he sees it as mostly the money and how he has to go out of his way for me. and i'm no saint, but if i have to balance it out for him, then i see how i wake him up in the morning so he is not late for work. i see how i have rushed home and worked my schedule around his so i can take care of his dog (that i now claim part ownership of) while he goes and hangs out with his friends or plays ball or whatever it is that he is doing. i see how i have spent hours and hours trying to get the pee smell out of the carpet because his dog thinks carpet is grass and he can't be bothered to clean the smell out himself. i see how i scrub the bathroom down about once a month because he's gross and i can't stand it. and it's doubly worse when his girlfriend has been in town because then it's one more person's grossness that i'm scrubbing down. i let him invite his friends to my parties, and i share my friends with him because his friends are sucky people. when i am away, i bring stuff back for him, even when i could have used the space to bring back more stuff for myself. i usually consider him for dinner when mom's not around to cook for us.
i'm sure there is more that we do for each other, but i think i can easily say that i am more considerate of him than he is of me. but he doesn't see it, he only sees the dollars and cents and thinks he's the bigger person. i can't talk to him about this because if i bring it up, he gets upset, throws a tantrum, and shuts me out. in this case, i like to think that he is the idiot.

then there's the girl who had a friend who was a sucky person and decided to end their friendship via e-mail. while i knew the sucky person was going to turn out to be one, this girl didn't see it until things started falling apart and then she read the e-mail and easy friendship over. the thing with this scenario that bothered me was that there were a couple of valid points in the sucky person's e-mail. so while yes, she was a sucky person and the friendship is over, it doesn't mean that the girl is clear of fault. but because the sucky person turned out to suck and the e-mail was so poorly written, she conveniently forgot to take from it what might be true and dismissed it all instead. in this case, they're both idiots.

hmmm i was going to give you one more scenario wherein i could have been the idiot, but funny thing - i can't think of anything. har!

a fongpay - you were supposed to send me an e-mail so i could find your blog!

liars are stupid

i have a problem with dishonesty. to be fair, i will admit that i have told a white lie or two [or several], but i try not to anymore unless it is necessary. plus, i wouldn't do it if i thought it would cause harm, grief, or stress. because despite my ability to be completely ornery at times, i think that somewhere deep down, i am a nice person [most of the time].

in this instance however, it's not about me and what kind of person i am. it's about someone else - i mean, isn't it always? what good is having a blog if i don't use it to bitch about all the stupidity around me?

so somebody i know and tolerate has lied. this is someone that i liked as a person, even though at times her work ethic has been completely lacking questionable, i tried to like her and be friendly toward her. but since her attitude has been totally bitchy somewhat poor, i find it increasingly difficult to be able to contain myself. and while i don't think i've been lashing out, i do call her out on her crap. the thing is, it is completely deserved. i think in that position, it is hard to remain complacent for too long, and i understand that, however i don't think it gives one license to revert to juvenile behavior [ie throwing tantrums, stomping up and down stairs, throwing files/papers at peoples desks instead of putting them down in a docile-administrative-duty-manner]. but i think the worst part is that i've now caught this individual in a lie. not just one that affects me, but a few other people as well. i also see where it's coming from, but that doesn't justify it for me. i think that honesty would have garnered a better reaction.

i guess what irks me is that i am having trouble maintaining my composure, and that is one of the things i've become good at. i check my personal feelings at the door or vent them to only a limited number of people that i trust. now i'm finding myself making comments out loud and not being my usual chipper self. this person of course doesn't realize she has been caught in the lie, and definitely isn't aware that i've told people who need to know about it. i don't know what will happen now. i hope that changes are made though.

(1) Day of .. Something.

yesterday i had one of those days where you have to decide early on if you're going to laugh or to cry. for the most part, i like to choose laughing because crying is exhausting. so it was a frustrating day, but i got through it and last minute surprise - got free passes to see (500) Days of Summer, which i've been dying (not literally, what's wrong with you?) to see! i knew that it was going to be one of those indies that i would love. i can tell with some things that i'm going to love it, so i let my excitement build because i'm not worried about disappointment. and this did not disappoint. it was wonderful. and when i laughed, i laughed hard. i like movies that you don't think are going to make you laugh that much and then you do. i don't want to give too much away because i encourage all 3 of you to watch this movie (i'd say 4, but i know one of my followers already saw it haha!) yup, i felt really good when i walked out of the theatre. and i think i have a crush on 3rd Rock. holy when did he get so cute?

so i was feeling all good and stuff when i got home and then i didn't want to ruin it, so i decided that instead of watching some tv, i'd settle into the magic chair and read instead. i was almost finished The Time Traveler's Wife, and at that point where i had no desire to do anything but find out what happens at the end. again, i don't want to give too much away because i'm going to make one of my followers read this afterwards, but i had this feeling at the beginning of the book - not the very beginning but somewhere in the beginning there's this occurence. and i just knew at that point where the story was going. but it's not even about that. it's not about the actual ups or downs, it's about the love that exists between these 2 people. and i can say that i have these moments where i don't believe in love anymore, but it was one of those days where everything is working towards reminding you that maybe it's only fiction, but it could happen. and it does happen. and so i shouldn't stop believing, just because it's not happening to me. i sat in the magic chair for a little while after, thinking about the ending. and even though i had chosen a laughing day, i had a good cry anyway. it wasn't a bad cry though, just a release of all the feelings that i had for these characters. i know that sounds nuts, but i don't care. lol. clare and henry are like dear friends to me now. and then of course i was exhausted so i went to bed.

why am i here?

i just spent 30 minutes catching up on a blog that i forgot existed (thus the comments on several posts heehee), and now i'm sitting here looking at my own and wondering why i'm even here sitting in front of the computer right now. i could get really existential and wonder why i'm even here on earth and what is my purpose, but the truth is i'm just wondering why i'm not watching disc 2 of Freaks and Geeks (so wonderful - why do all the good shows die?) or reading more of The Time Traveler's Wife (didn't like the style of writing at first, but damn it's a good story). i have concluded that i am doing neither because i am here, staring at the monitor. also, i have this problem where as soon as i plant my butt when i get home, i unfornately get stuck. i mean, sure i will get up and get food, munchies, drinks, a hoodie, whatever - BUT i will come back to the spot. and today i blame you mike gillis for being the reason that i planted my butt in front of the computer because this is the last place i want to be after spending all day looking at my monitor at work. and you are there, wherever there is, staring at your own monitor, and wondering why i don't just get up and walk away and do something else as i clearly have options. and i wish i could tell you that it's that easy to just get up. but i'm not kidding when i say that my butt gets planted. it's like a magnet. i have so far gotten up to wash my hands 3 times (not consecutively), check on the pork ribs, take the pork ribs out, got pork ribs twice (thanks father!), and then got a cup of water (hot, even in hot weather because that is how i like it). and every time i could go somewhere else, but i don't. and now i'm thinking how ridiculous it i am that i can come home and get parked on the couch or on the bed or on this very uncomfortable chair in my mother's office (better monitor for watching mike gillis than my laptop) and if my mother were home tonight she would've booted me off by now so she could "work" (while playing freecell and watching a streaming asian movie online) and i wouldn't be here anymore so i would have had to park somewhere else. but i was going to say that i am ridiculous for being so ... i don't even know what the word is. but why can't i relocate? i need to figure out how to do more than one thing when i get home after work. this doesn't happen if i go out because there's no settling into one place for several hours before bedtime. it's just when i get home right after work and i have no plans. usually i'm on the couch and catching up with my shows (being able to record tv is the best thing that ever happened to me - i'm not even joking). i need to do something. i need to experiment. i need to move from here to another location in my house and not come back!


***20 minutes later, i am still here. wtf. ok, really, i'm getting up now. up Up and AWAY!

and sometimes, the good guy wins

earlier this week, my stalker quit and walked out. and as king michael sang so eloquently, she's out of my life, and i couldn't be more pleased! i didn't know how much it bothered me until i knew she was gone - and it was like this huge weight off my shoulders. because the thing is, i like work. i like coming to work, i like my job, i have friends here, and work isn't that bad. and for awhile, i was a little more negative about work. i would wake up some mornings and just dread the idea of having to go into the office. and there were days when i'd get here and when i went to go make the coffee, my morning quiet was broken by the sound of her obnoxious voice and her ignorant comments. and while i'm sure most people have a person at their work who can be annoying, i'm also pretty sure that said annoying person(s) didn't steal your name and lie about a relationship with your brother. so stalker freak hasn't been performing to par - how could she when she was never in her office, never picked up calls, rarely returned calls, and spent more time outside smoking or in the lunch room being rude? (and when she was in her office, she was on facebook - so productive.) as her life unravelled (from what i gather she had to get a divorce from her common-law, take advantage of unsuspecting insurance agents to get gifts and rides, and had no friends), i was here being unhappy because of her presence on a daily basis. plus, i had to constantly hold back the urge to tell her that LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! and i have to say, now that she is out of a job, out of love, and out of my life, i feel really really good about it. f being the bigger person, i am glad that her life sucks. [and i think it was pretty big of me to not punch her in the throat every time i saw her.]

in addition to this awesomeness, canada day fell midweek so we had a nice little day off. i got to spend it eating with friends and sharing many laughs. i like days like that. i like my friends.

and since things do happen in 3s, i am happy to declare today as 200 Days Sober day. there were a lot of 'days' in that sentence, but i don't care. i am happy! woo woo!

Drugs Are Bad

yes, it's very soon after my last post, but it's one of those weeks i guess where there is just too much to contemplate over.

so if you follow, then you'll remember my lethargic grampa not remembering my name at home and then remembering it with attitude in the hospital before he was moved into another care facility. i was told that after he moved into the home, he went back to being lifeless and pretty much a zombie. my mom was telling me how they couldn't get him to do much when they were there and i got a couple updates, all pretty much saying he was losing it.

well through most of this my uncle who is the most involved with my grampa's health was away on business. upon his return he knew right away what the problem was. in fact, it was a repeat problem. back in the winter after my gramps suffered his bad fall and brain hemorrhaging, he was in the hospital and moved into a diff home. during the hosp stay, my uncle pointed out that this anti-depressant the docs put gramps on was making him a zombie. docs argued that he was depressed. the thing is, he wasn't depressed and lethargic till the bastards put him on that stuff. he was taken off the meds before he went into the rehab facility and during that time he had his moments where he was his stubborn self, but for the most part, at least he had energy and was willing to try his exercises. what we didn't know was that when he was sent home from this place some idiot put him back on the drugs. yes, it's crazy that there could have been this oversight and no one noticed but my gramps has 7 kids and they're old school so communication hasn't always been great.

we think that if he hadn't been on this stupid drug when he went home, he would've continued his exercises and had more life to him. he would have remembered my name and his face would have lit up like i'm used to when i walk in the room. he wouldn't have become a zombie sitting in his chair all day developing sores and subsequently a staph infection. he wouldn't have had to go back to the hospital and had a surgery. he wouldn't have been moved into a different home instead of staying in his actual Home. he'd be at home now probably, where he is the happiest. nope, instead of all the possibilities for the positives, now we're back to square one. my uncle had to berate the doctor for putting him back on the meds when it wasn't necessary (and deal with his jerkface behavior - wtf yo. you f'd up doc, just deal with it and help make it better. don't give the family any more grief). now that gramps is off the meds again, they say he is way more alert and has a lot more energy. sure, he's still as stubborn as ever, and having more energy means that when he's pissed off at you it's a way more boisterous pissed off - but i take that over zombie gramps any day.

of course it doesn't mean he can go home. he has fallen so behind because he wasn't able to do any therapy since he's been in this place. he's barely walked in the last couple of months, and when he does, it's not easy. it's bad enough that these people have to get old and have so many issues, but really doctor man, really - you're just going to put them on these drugs that zombify them and let them wait it out in retardation until they waste away? that's your answer? that's what your medical degree got you to? are you f-ing kidding me? a part of me wants to say that it must be because my gramps is stuck in the american system too, but that's not all of it. i mean, doctors aren't ALL bad. (yes, i'm referring to you bunches, you better have f-ing good bedside manners or we can't be cyber friends anymore). i just don't know why this doctor (and a few others my family has had to deal with) bothered with the years and years of starving studenthood and debt and hard work and no social life (oh yeah, that's a huge part of his lack of people skills i'm sure) just to get his med degree (i guess the money comes back more than you spent right), and then behaves like he's entitled. you're not entitled. patients are people too. my gramps may not have had the overextended education or the high paying salary, but he worked hard too. and he's a person, despite his old age. treat him with a little dignity. treat them all with a little more dignity. they all just waste away in this home under the "care" of this doctor and he doesn't even see it because he doesn't care. what a load of crap.

so my thoughts weren't exactly laid out in the skilled manner that you'd expect from an english major but suck it. i'm pissed off and my grampa deserves better. all these patients do.

i'm sure a huge part of the anger is my own guilt though. i can't be there. i don't visit every day. i don't even visit every month. i haven't seen him since april and the reality is, i don't know when i'll be going back down again. it's hard to be so far away. i miss ya gong. :(

I Like Friends

*Sidebar: Dreams about cheating on your SO usually signifies guilt in life - usually completely unrelated to your relationship. Cut someone off on the highway? Undertipped your server? Gave yourself a five finger discount at the store? Maybe something more serious, but you gotta deal with it. DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT!

i think people have friendships or they have relationships. and it starts early on, you make a choice. i've lost a few people who turned out to be relationship people. i was here when they were heart broken and busted up. i was here when they wanted to go out and have a good time and meet new people. i was here when they met the next person they were going to ditch me for. and i'm still here and i have friends and my life doesn't suck. and where are they now? still consumed by their relationship, whoever they may be with now. and the friends they have aren't real friends. they won't tell you if you've drawn your eyebrows on crooked. they won't tell you that that color looks awful on your skin tone. they won't tell you that those shoes do not look good with that shirt (hell, the truth is you shouldn't have bought those shoes at all). the false friends will never give you bad news, especially about yourself, because you're all so unsure about how secure this friendship really is. how much it could and couldn't survive. but you can't risk it because without these false friendships, you got nothing. no one. except your relationship. and that sucks. not because the relationship sucks, but because a healthy relationship means you still have friends and a life of your own - an identity.

and then there are friend people. friend people have had some of the same friends forever, yet still have the ability to make new friends in life. and yes, friends come and go and you don't have time for everybody, but at least you know that you can always count on your friend person. they're solid. even when they're in a relationship, they will drop whatever is going on and be there for you when you need it because you still matter. when they tell you that they love the dress you're wearing and you look great it in, they really mean it. they won't invite their SO when you specify you need a girls' night because they know that sometimes you just need a girls' night. or if they're boy people, they'll remember to invite you on boys' night even though you're a girl because you're not a girlfriend but you're part of the group and it's more fun when you're all together like old times. friend people will never lie to you even if it hurts you. they won't forget about you just because they're in a relationship that makes them happy (in fact, they'll want their SO to get to know you). they will be there in dark times and good. friend people are good people.

i guess what brought this on was the recent conversations i've been having with my girlfriends about all these people that we've lost along the way. all these people who chose something else over you and never looked back. or looked back too late. all these people who constantly put themselves first and never see how they're doing something wrong in a friendship. and sometimes i feel sadness that some people aren't in my life anymore because they turned out to be sucky people. but for the most part i'm grateful that they aren't really around to bring me down anymore and i'm so grateful to the friends who have stuck around and supported me and believed in me.

i always say i don't need a boyfriend and it's true. because if i'm going to end up with someone and he's supposed to be my best friend and life partner and someone i want to have sex with on a regular basis until we're old, he's got really high standards to meet and a first class group of people he has to become on par with. that's going to be really really hard and if he's out there looking for me, i wish him luck because i know it won't be easy. and i'm so glad i love me enough to be okay with being by myself forever. plus, i have friends who'll be around forever. i'm lucky. and i know it. and friends, thanks. i value your friendship.

150 Days

i am on the brink of 150 days of sobriety. 150 days. on the one hand, i feel like i should be really proud of myself. on the other, it's like, peanuts. plus, i still want to drink. not all the time like i used to, but a lot of the time. when i'm at someone's house and there's a bottle of wine all chilled and pretty and opened and just sitting there whispering, "drink me" and i can't. when i'm involved in wedding planning conversations - not because of the stress or painfulness of wedding planning. that part i can actually deal with. it's the idea of attending a wedding and getting through an entire day without drinking. i have never been sober at a wedding. maybe once actually. that night is blocked out subconsciously though for other reasons that i will not get into here and now. i think i was dying for a drink though. and i left early. so that didn't work out very well. when the canucks lost to the blackhawks in a very emotional game 6 in round 2. man i wanted to drink and drink and drink and not go to work the next day. the canucks were the only thing that provided excitement and made me forget about wanting to drink. until they lost. *sigh. sometimes i want to go out and party, but i don't like partying sober, so i don't do that.
150 days is such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, i'm really feeling like i just don't know what to do with myself. i mean, other than watching my tv shows, watching movies, watching thc canucks play, reading books, and the occassional hanging with friends, i feel like i just have no interest in anything else. i don't want to go anywhere or do anything that requires effort. and that's sad. because i am capable of being more fun than this. and i'm just not right now. sobriety sucks.

i need a vacation after my vacation

i realize that i'm terribly inconsistent with this blogging thing. that's why i stopped using xanga after awhile (that, and it just got too damn complicated). but just because i forget to make time to come online and write random poop, doesn't mean my mind isn't constantly rolling out thoughts. but with tv being so good these days, who has time to just write? but now that i've finished reading the 4th twilight book and my dad is watching tv, guess i could spare a few for my 3 followers.

i'm indecided on where to start. i mean, sobriety is always there, lingering around everything that i do. every time someone asks if i want something to drink, even if they're referring to a non-alcoholic bev, my first thought is booze. i want to drink. but i say no. i was at this awesome party recently and the last time i hung out with all those people i drank till i ran into a wall and passed out. i wanted to drink with them. but i didn't. and i just kinda hung out instead and was a little less social than i could have been. it's hard. at least one person noticed and told me he was proud of me. that felt pretty good. in fact, most of the time it does feel nice when people comment on how well i'm doing. but sometimes it means nothing and i just want to drown my self-pity in a bottle of something delicious like asti. sobriety sucks.

so i finally got my chance to visit my gramparents in america. even though i took the time off and bought the plane ticket and was there, i feel kinda crappy in retrospect because i think i could have tried to spend more time with them, but i also wanted to have fun on my trip so i didn't. although, one day that i meant to be there for my gramps, i was completely thwarted by circumstance so i had to go babysit a newborn instead. great baby, so easy, lots of poop. so the first time i got to see my gramps, i went to their house with one of my cousins. she's been helping them clean out the house they have lived in since they moved to america. no joke, this house has more crap than the dump. she goes there for a few hours a week and just cleans out stuff. on that day i helped sort through boxes of old magazines and calendars, shoes, clothes, and documents. you have to flip through all the crap just to make sure there are no hidden treasures. and my gramma just comes around once in awhile to tell us NO! keep those! but the problem is that if she could have it her way, she'd keep everything! i found a calendar from 1994. there were suits from when my uncle was a small child. my grampa has more clothes than i do. he was a very dapper dresser in his day though, so i think that's actually pretty cool. let's backtrack. when i got to the house, after greeting my gramma, i went to say hi to my grampa. usually when he sees me he is very surprised and delighted because even though my gramma always knows when i'm coming to town, he never does. but it's cool because he lights up like a kid at christmas. i have always known that i'm one of his favorites. i know that people aren't supposed to have favorite anythings, but he couldn't help himself. i used to live there and he was my babysitter. he hung out with me when everyone else had to work. kinda odd now that i think about it because - why didn't he work? lol. but he'd take me with him to do his random shit, see his random people, and hang out while he played mah jong with other old people. he used to make fun of me in the car, where i rode in the front seat without a car seat because back then no one knew that it wasn't safe. i remember he had a blue town car and there was a doggy thing that had a bobble head that would sway as he drove. he used to make me sandwiches and cut them into 4 strips so that they would easily go into my little mouth. back then, my grampa was my best friend. i was only 3, what did i know? so this time i walked in and he was just sitting there, in his chair, eating some food, watching tv. and he was surprised, but not in his usualy delighted way. even though when he went home a month ago, they said he was going to be alright and he was doing his exercises and ready to go home, in that month he deteriorated to a zombie. ok, maybe not that bad, but it wasn't good. he couldn't remember my name. he knew that i was my mother's daughter, but he couldn't remember my name. and then it didn't seem to bug him that he couldn't remember. he just wanted to get back to eating and watching tv. and even when i went to sit with him after we did our cleaning for a couple hours, he still didn't seem to know or care that i was there. he looked up when i started channel surfing his tv, but then he just seemed resigned to watching whatever was on because it's not like he understood any of it anyway.

that made me really sad. i know it's not about me. and i know that i should not be sitting here feeling sorry about it because i'm not there. i haven't been there since the first day that he fell. i could have gone down there sooner but i couldn't handle visiting him in a hospital so soon after my evil gramma died in one. i waited until he was back at home. that was completely selfish. if i had gone sooner, he might have even known who i was. i waited till he became this person to go see him.

he went back into the hospital a few days after that. besides his state of being, which was making my aunts and uncles consider finding him a home to live in because it was getting too difficult for my gramma to take care of him and he was refusing to do anything, he also developed some sores from sitting and not exercising. and something got opened and infected so he needed a surgical procedure to remove the abcess. did i spell that right? i went to see him as soon as i could. as i said, i was thwarted from going the day he went in because i had to watch a newborn -my uncle had to go see a dr himself and my aunt had to bring in one of their doggies to be put to sleep. it wasn't a good day. well, maybe it kinda was because i got to spend time with my new little cousin and she won't remember this time, but i will. so i went to see him in the hospital before i left. his dr had recommended a home for him to move to because he makes rounds there regularly. somehow, it's the same home that my great gramma was living at before she died. the same home where my sister put the car in neutral and it rolled and she was lucky no one got hurt including the car. the same home where i saw my mom cry for the first time because there was a time in her life when her gramma was her best friend. but i'm getting ahead of myself. i went to see my grampa and i didn't know what to expect because he had been really tired the day before and wouldn't wake up even when ppl went to see him. he'd just gotten out of his procedure that morning and i just didn't know how much energy he would have or what meds he was on. but it was not at all bad. he woke up when i went in and he knew who i was. my aunt asked him what my name was and he looked at her like she was stupid and said my name like it was the most obvious answer in the world. i didn't know how badly i was feeling about him forgetting me until i realized how great it felt when i remembered. and i think he was about as lit as one can be while on meds and post-surgery. and even though he fell asleep after that and i couldn't even wake him up to eat, i know that he opened his eyes when i kissed him goodbye and i know that he knew who i was. i went to see my gramma after that and i checked out the home he'd be moving into. as i walked up the front steps i knew that was somewhere i had been before, even if it was over 25 years ago. my gramma seems to be doing well, i'm really not worried about her. but i hope with all of my heart that i will see my grampa again. since i've been home, i know they had him moved into the home. i've heard that he doesn't really like it there and that he's having a harder time remembering people. i wish i could have stayed longer. i wish i could go back. i wish a lot of things. i know that he is a stubborn old man and that he can be mean. but i hope that he's comfortable.

the sad thing is that as we grow older, so do all the older people around us. i'm not really prepared for any more losses. and while i don't want to talk about my gramps like this is the end, because i don't think that it is, it's like i have been preparing myself for it. i was caught so off-guard when my evil gramma died; maybe i'm just trying to be mentally ready for when it happens again. is that morbid? awful? i don't even know. but i also don't think that i'll ever really be ready for it. guess i can only hope that every time i go back he'll still be there, hopefully lighting up when he sees me.

I Don't Want To Get Up Today

so i'm writing this in bed. because i haven't gotten up yet. because i don't want to. because bed is nice. and because i got in late last night (early this morning). because my friends are idiots. because they drink. and that's what happens when people drink!

last night we went out because it was the very last night for a club that we have been going to for years. before this, there was only one other club closing that was sad. this is a place where we made so many memories, witnessed so many crazy happenstances, consumed so much alcohol, and had such great times! for anyone who cares (b/c 2 whole people read this...) i was totally sober all night!! and i'm not angry about it. this weekend i was out friday and saturday (so rare) and both nights, i wasn't even worried about succumbing to the temptations of boozing, even on the very last night of a club where all we used to do was drink! i was so good! i'm very proud of myself. i have been sober for 76 days. that is a big deal to me.

but having said that, there has to be a but because i'm ornery like that. had it been just the guys, it would've been fine, but m decided to come out and she's nice and everything, but really - holy downer batman! she didn't even give it a chance. from the beginning she was resolved to be bored and miserable or something. and that's just what i need - somebody asking me over and over and over (and over) how can i have fun sober? i don't know how you do it - how do you do it? and like really, it's called a positive attitude sweetheart. maybe if you shut your piehole long enough to absorb the good times that everyone else is trying to have and make a small attempt at it yourself you wouldn't be so lame! i know that it's cheesy, but really, as long as i have a good outlook, things usually do work out. i woke up friday and thought to myself - TODAY IS A GREAT DAY! and all day long, i told everyone that. and it worked, because i put everyone else in the same awesome mood i was in and we all had great days! and yesterday i wasn't thinking about having a great day, but once we decided to go out, i was resolved to have a good time. because i don't have to drink when i go out to have a good time. i can be sober. and sober can be fun. there are soooo many people to make fun of and red bull gives me energy and you never know who you might run into (of course i ran into the most drunk and degenerate of all people i know in this city go figure). and dancing is the only form of exercise i ever partake in willingly so i'm sure that's a bonus somehow. i've totally lost the point of this paragraph so moving on now.

go figure on a crazy sober night i run into the most drunk and degenerate of all people i know in vancouver. i know i said that already, but this was a guy that i met back in university. and during those days no lie, i made exactly 3 friends. in all the years i went to school at ubc, i made 3 whole friends. 1 i have lost complete contact with. 2 is on fb, but we don't really talk or anything. and 3 is my random run-in friend now as i live the sober lifestyle and he is drunk all the time. maybe he's not, i don't know. lol. it started with a group project i think. or maybe it started because he sat next to me or near me every class because he thought i was cute. but he ended up being in my group. and we each thought the other would be smart enough to carry the project but we ended up hating the stupid long peom we were reading and luckily had enough charisma between us to fake it. we actually did really well. but what we found out from that group project was that we both really really liked to drink. and so began lunches at the pub and drinks between classes. i know, very sad, but that's how we became friends. now years later, he's drunkenly spitting that i'm money and just made it an awesome night and how can i be sober when we can have so much fun drinking? but then again sober i can probably tell what people really look like and be so amused by it all. and he never asked me to drink with him or pressured me to crack. in fact, at the end of it all, he said that he will look to me for inspiration now because i'm an example of people who have fun sober lol. look at that, i went from once being a drunken degenerate myself to being a positive influence on someone else. CRAZY!

i always tell myself that some days will be better than others, but i think this weekend was a turning point. i wasn't angry about not drinking at all. i was angry at some point when i was trying to go home and it was 3am and my idiot friends were being drunken idiots who didn't want to get into the car, but you know, that was just me grumpy. and i did not think a drink would make me feel better. i'm definitely making progress and i think i'm getting close to the point where i have more good days than bad. hooray!!

is it just me, or is everybody stupid?

so i don't know if this is just that stage in recovery where i'm really angry or if i'm perfectly justified in the things that have been annoying me. or maybe i'm justified but still overreacting a smidgeon. or perhaps there really is nothing wrong with me at all, and everybody sucks. all i know is, this last week, i've been really angry. it's not like all the time ranting and raving and yelling at people angry, it's just the smallest things irritate me so much and i really want to punch someone in the face and kick them while they're down (because my punch is that powerful). i have so many things driving me nuts right now i don't even know where to start!

as some of you may or may not know, i have a stalker. maybe she's not really stalking me, but over 10 years ago she stole my name and now she works in my building. so really, really she's not stalking me? i don't know. but it's more fun to just say 'the stalker' as opposed to 'the girl that stole my name,' mostly because it has less syllables. anyway, she's a total bitchface (someone likened her face to those evil persian masks worn in the movie 300) and she's bitchy to a lot of the females that work upstairs with me (but not me) and she picks and chooses days to be bitchy to the other female downstairs. one day they're best friends, the next, classic frenemies. i don't really have time for this drama you know? but i hate her. i really do. i don't hate many people, but i hate the girl who stole my name because really, your craziness and your identity crisis crap, and your fakeness towards others, and your stupid baby-voice when you're talking to boy-people - that's all stuff that i hate in general. add to that the name stealing, and the mug stealing, and the possible pen stealing, and i just get annoyed seeing her stupid bitchface at my workplace. and it makes it worse with the trying to talk to me because we're not friends you crazy person, you stole my name! plus she thinks she was in a relationship with my brother when they were kids, and they totally didn't because my brother would never date someone who was going by his sister's name! crazies like this are what give women the "psycho" reputation.

next, we have my sister. now please know that i love my niece. i would do absolutely anything for her. she is the cutest baby ever and i have known her since she came out of the womb and i would give my life for her. she is the only person i'd do that for in this world. so throwing her first birthday party is not a big deal at all because i love her so much. BUT having said that, it doesn't mean my sister and brother-in-law should be taking a total backseat and not helping! they have zero input concerning anything and i had to chase them to even add guests to the evite. really? it's your daughter's first birthday!! contribute! sheesh. seriously.

plus someone i thought i was friends with has befriended said sister and brother-in-law and all these months claims never knew it was my sister and brother-in-law. as if. but my crazy sister who doesn't have time to talk to me about her daughter's birthday has the time to call me and ask me what the deal is with me and this dude as if it's any of her business to begin with! you can't live the single life vicariously through me and not be helpful, it doesn't work that way!

and then there's my father, who i didn't talk to about this party because i throw parties at my house all the time. it's not even a thing. and in this case we were just both busy and didn't see each other for a week when all of a sudden this evite thing became my responsibility. i talked to my mom about it and she said it was fine and that she'd help with food and stuff so you know, it's all good right? wrong! according my dad, it was totally wacked to invite him on the evite. but come on, i just hit add contacts from my e-mail and included all my family. i mean, my sis and bro-in-law have been invited to their own daughter's bday! just take it in stride and hit yes! but no, he has to write in the comments that i'm dumb. me specifically. in my evite. where everyone can see. like, you know what? i don't want to invite you anymore!! stupid.

and then my bro's gf wanted to get a used car, which i said i'd help her with if i could. my smart guy dad convinced her to buy a brand new car. like hello! she has no money and terrible credit!! mcfly! so i do what i can to help her apply for financing (rejected). she uses her dad's name but he is rejected b/c with their new business, it's too high risk. and it's not a good economic time apparently so the banks don't care if you have a great credit history! all they know is that on paper it's high risk! so i tell her to just lease to own and my company will help her out. my buddy builds her 3 diff lease options and tries to explain benefits but she decides they can just buy the car straight up. but really, why would you just go and incur more debt?? so she has to talk to more people then she goes back and decides to lease. it's just going in circles. somewhere halfway through i withdrew myself as the middleman because it was so frustrating. but now everyone i work with know that my brother is dating an idiot. so frustrating!

phew that was a brainful.. so the thing is, at the end of the day, these are the things that have been bugging me and i just want to go home and make myself a drink and oh.. i can't. i can't drink!! argh!! oh, i guess i should throw in that i've been getting stomachaches on and off lately and i don't know if it's drink-related or not. i've been sober for almost 60 days, but who knows, maybe i have perma-damage. and that would suck.

but you know, on the whole, my life doesn't suck. :)

who ARE you??

so i went out for the first time this weekend since i've been sober. and i don't mean like out of my house, but like out to a club with a bunch of drunk people and surrounded by bars and booze out. i had been 33 days sober and very proud of myself. my 2 BFFs were out too, but one left after dinner. but still, having one was better than none and she was as supportive as she knew how to be. so i was out and i was trying to enjoy myself, and the only reason i was out was for a friend's birthday. these days i don't even go to most birthdays so when i do, you're pretty damn special. the thing is, clubs haven't changed. the people in them are mostly still young and dumb. are they sluttier? i'm not sure because my view on the world has changed between when i was those people to who i am now. maybe i was a major hoe-bag and i just didn't see it that way because it was me. so now that it's them, maybe they're not more or less slutty than me, i just happen to think that they are because i've become sober, older, and totally judgmental.
i digress. this isn't a post about how much clubs suck and how lame it was and how it really wasn't that fun. this is a post about how i was being sober and sticking to my guns despite people trying to tell me that "having one would be okay - just one!"
the thing is, having one is not okay. having one is completely moot. having one is redundant. i ask you - what is the point of having ONE? you can't get buzzed off one. one is like having none. you might as well not then. maybe there are people who have one and do get buzzed. or have one and it's like whatever. but i'm not those people. i'm the person who drinks for the effect that it has on me. i want to drink until i get to the point where it feels awesome. i want to feel like i can do anything and have a great time and i'm on fire. one doesn't feel awesome. one means that i might have a stomachache tomorrow, my sleep is unsound and resets to before the last 33 days, and my desire to drink ten has no reason to not happen. because for me, if i've had one and i'm resetting the counter back to zero, then we're reset - let's go hard. i don't have just one. i have many. that is why having one is not okay.
and you know, most people i see these days get it. they ask me if i want to drink, i say "no thank you i'm sober now" and they shrug and carry on. people who know me better say "good for you" and sometimes i even get a high five. some people might say, "just one?" after the initial rejection, but when i say "no, really, i don't drink anymore" they accept it. but every once in awhile, it's that person that i haven't seen in 5 years. there is a high chance that even before the last 5 years went by, i didn't really hang out with this person. we weren't by any means close friends. we were probably just acquaintances. and in fact, we may have never even seen each other in daylight. and s/he just wants to keep pressuring me. and then they say this:

"not even for me?"

and the only thing i really want to say to them is "seriously? who the !#&* are you??" who says that? what does that even mean? that you, strange person whom i have not seen in years, YOU THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL ENOUGH FOR ME TO FALL OFF THE F-ING WAGON AND RESET MY COUNTER AND RISK GOING ON ANOTHER FIVE MONTH BINGE FOR?? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME????? why not just take a knife and shove it into my liver you stupid ignorant selfish immature hee-haw!
i don't get it. i realize that they haven't seen me so they do not know that i have had some serious issues with alcohol. i get that. but i don't get why they can't just respect me enough when i say that i don't drink anymore to just accept it and move on? i don't get why they think that would mean enough to me to make me take a drink for them. i don't get what goes through someone's head when they so blatantly disrespect me and what i'm saying. i wouldn't walk up to you after 5 years and say "hey, you got fat, you should lose weight for me" why would you tell me to take a drink for you?
people are so stupid.

fatty!! i was so happy to see your name D! hope things are great with you :) and look funksabunch, i'm doing it again! maybe the fine print is making a comeback. thanks for your comments dudes, i really appreciate the sentiment. i don't really get the "i'm sorry" either but that seems to be the thing to say.

the grampeople

while i'm usually a huge doink when it comes to people who can't spell things, one of the words i misspell on purpose is gramma. the other is grampa. why? because that's what i call them or how i refer to them in the third. not as grandma, gramma.
so just bear with me.
my evil gramma died suddenly in november. not like, suddenly one day she just died, but like, unexpectedly she had this silent heart attack and we were in the hospital with her everyday and the doctors and nurses gave us mixed messages ("i'm not saying she's dying, but if there are people who need to be notified, then you should notify them." because she's dying? "no, there is hope for recovery.") not to come down on the medipeople because the nurses that i talked to were pretty cool and nice and answered all of our questions. but i think i just didn't want to have hope if it was futile because you get the bigger letdown when they suddenly die, and that is what she did. or maybe if i wasn't hopeful then it wouldn't have been sudden, i would have seen it coming from the day she was admitted. maybe on some level i had a feeling she was going to die but i didn't want to say it because that would be awful, especially if she did die, and then she did and i didn't want to be the a-hole who said stupid things. in fact, in retrospect, i was so zen from the time of her admission and at times the most mature person in the room (amongst my parental generation) that on some level, i think i knew it was her time because if i thought she was going to live, i probably would not have been so kind and zen, i would've been like how some other people were being because as i said in the beginning of this diatribe, she was my evil gramma.
and now you say, she's gone dude, how can you say that? and the thing is, when someone you have lived with your whole life was rarely nice to you, and even then you suspected she was only being nice because she had ulterior motives, and for several years - decades even - you referred to her as your evil gramma, well old habits die hard.
so my evil gramma suddenly died and it was actually really hard because we had such a difficult relationship but we were also close on a different level because she has lived with me my whole life except for the last year. and while still emotionally numb because of the last bit of boozing and a hard shot of denial, my grampa on the other side (who is miles and miles away) takes a bad fall, has brain hemorrhage (maybe in reversed order; i'm unclear as to which led to the other), and had a long ass hospital stay in a country where health care really really sucks. not to disparage against my doogsabunch friend, but the doctors that dealt with my gramps seem to be uncaring ding dongs and communication has been completely lacking. he was finally discharged but the family has moved him into a facility of some kind that has PTs and OTs and nurses and he has available care 24/7. but you know, health care sucks in america so the fams worries about insurancey things. plus there's the how long it will take, how will the transition back home be, will the doctors ever stop sucking?
so i feel really guilty right now because i don't really know how to resolve my evil gramma feelings; i drank a lot last year and so i'm emotionally devoid (i don't know how that works, but boozing actually makes me stop feeling things. it was really useful in certain situations); and i feel like i should do more to help with my grampa. like maybe i should go there. but then will i make a difference? would i just get in the way? i don't know.
anyway, this is me at nearly 1am, not sleeping because i worry that i'm not feeling enough about everything that is going on. [insert raspberry here]. poop.

by the way F, you don't need to apologize for stealing my smallprint bits of uselessness. ever since the pop died, i think it was just waiting for someone to love it, and you do a much better job than i do.

new year, new..?

i took my last drink on december 13th. i guess technically it was the 14th since i had my last drink after midnight. since then i have restrained from drinking, but it's hard. it's really hard. and people have everything to say about the matter because everyone thinks they know. but how could they know? they didn't binge drink almost every night for nearly eight years and then follow that with a roller coaster struggle to stop. and while to most, stopping entirely seems rather extreme, they weren't with me on those nights that i don't remember, or the mornings i woke up wondering where i was. they weren't there when i regurgitated everything and then some for three days straights. they weren't there when i was curled up on my bathroom floor for hours wondering why - why did my internal organs hate me so? in fact, i had so strategically worked out all the different people i partied with that no one person was around enough to realize how bad it was, or witness my many awful decisions. even my best friends only heard about some of it and way after the fact. yes, i lived in a little world called Denial for a long time, but isn't that only the more telling that i had - correction, have - a problem?

so things i learned the first time i quit (it lasted for a whole year and a few months):
- i live in a dark dark place for at least 6 months
- i can't stay in bed all the time
- my real friends will still be there at the end of the tunnel
- avoid people who tell you "come on, you can have just one drink"
- avoid people who tell you "you just have to do it in moderation"
- avoid people who tell you "you do not have a problem"

knowing all of those things, i thought the second time around should go more or less smoothly since i have been through it before. i was wrong. because now i'm back in the dark place. and i want to stay in bed all the time. and i don't want to do anything. and i'm angry for no reason a lot of the time. and the stupidest things make me lose my temper. and add to that this time around i'm not just quitting drinking, but i decided to quit in the holiday season. do you have any idea how much drinking happens over the holidays?? plus there was just too much time spent snowed in with too many people in my house (family people, you know what that means). oh, and my evil gramma just died in late november and i have huge internal struggles because i still think of her as my evil gramma and she's gone now and there will never be going back to fix things and i have to deal with the fact that she was evil, even though you're supposed to only say good things about the dead. the evil gramma thing makes me want to drink - a lot.

but this is a new year. the holidays are over. so at least a lot of the temptation is gone too. there's an opened bottle of grey goose in the next room, but i just have to not think about it. if i don't think about it, then i won't feel like drinking it. of course the more i tell myself don't think about it, the more i think about it and want to drink it. argh.