Smile and Nod

Sometimes I think I'd like to go on a binger. And what would happen. Would it be completely destructive? Not just to the self, but to all those who surround me as well. Would it begin a new downward spiral or could I control it? Who would I be then if Sobriety no longer defined me? Does Sobriety define me?? Maybe not. But when I was drinking, I can say that drinking defined me. It led to all my bad choices...all those days of regret and repent. How many times did I say "I'm never drinking again"? How many times did I vow to make a change? And how many times have I succeeded? Just this once. What if I went back on that? How bad could it be?
I get why it's a Disease. Because I don't think I'll ever be Cured. Not really. It will always fester in either a small or large part of my brain and exist. It will always be an idea, a thought, a temptation, an inkling, a calling, a longing. There will always be that niggling feeling, a part of me that wonders how it would taste, how it would feel, what would the effects be... There will be a part of my brain that shouts, "Let's find out!" And I will have to fight and remember that I am stronger than that. That I am better. That I can do what's right and succeed. And survive.
And then I will shut down the little dark drunky ball in my mind and carry on and no one will be the wiser that I just had this whole conversation - this whole debate - in my head. Smile and nod. Smile and not. Remember why. Carry on.