the grampeople

while i'm usually a huge doink when it comes to people who can't spell things, one of the words i misspell on purpose is gramma. the other is grampa. why? because that's what i call them or how i refer to them in the third. not as grandma, gramma.
so just bear with me.
my evil gramma died suddenly in november. not like, suddenly one day she just died, but like, unexpectedly she had this silent heart attack and we were in the hospital with her everyday and the doctors and nurses gave us mixed messages ("i'm not saying she's dying, but if there are people who need to be notified, then you should notify them." because she's dying? "no, there is hope for recovery.") not to come down on the medipeople because the nurses that i talked to were pretty cool and nice and answered all of our questions. but i think i just didn't want to have hope if it was futile because you get the bigger letdown when they suddenly die, and that is what she did. or maybe if i wasn't hopeful then it wouldn't have been sudden, i would have seen it coming from the day she was admitted. maybe on some level i had a feeling she was going to die but i didn't want to say it because that would be awful, especially if she did die, and then she did and i didn't want to be the a-hole who said stupid things. in fact, in retrospect, i was so zen from the time of her admission and at times the most mature person in the room (amongst my parental generation) that on some level, i think i knew it was her time because if i thought she was going to live, i probably would not have been so kind and zen, i would've been like how some other people were being because as i said in the beginning of this diatribe, she was my evil gramma.
and now you say, she's gone dude, how can you say that? and the thing is, when someone you have lived with your whole life was rarely nice to you, and even then you suspected she was only being nice because she had ulterior motives, and for several years - decades even - you referred to her as your evil gramma, well old habits die hard.
so my evil gramma suddenly died and it was actually really hard because we had such a difficult relationship but we were also close on a different level because she has lived with me my whole life except for the last year. and while still emotionally numb because of the last bit of boozing and a hard shot of denial, my grampa on the other side (who is miles and miles away) takes a bad fall, has brain hemorrhage (maybe in reversed order; i'm unclear as to which led to the other), and had a long ass hospital stay in a country where health care really really sucks. not to disparage against my doogsabunch friend, but the doctors that dealt with my gramps seem to be uncaring ding dongs and communication has been completely lacking. he was finally discharged but the family has moved him into a facility of some kind that has PTs and OTs and nurses and he has available care 24/7. but you know, health care sucks in america so the fams worries about insurancey things. plus there's the how long it will take, how will the transition back home be, will the doctors ever stop sucking?
so i feel really guilty right now because i don't really know how to resolve my evil gramma feelings; i drank a lot last year and so i'm emotionally devoid (i don't know how that works, but boozing actually makes me stop feeling things. it was really useful in certain situations); and i feel like i should do more to help with my grampa. like maybe i should go there. but then will i make a difference? would i just get in the way? i don't know.
anyway, this is me at nearly 1am, not sleeping because i worry that i'm not feeling enough about everything that is going on. [insert raspberry here]. poop.

by the way F, you don't need to apologize for stealing my smallprint bits of uselessness. ever since the pop died, i think it was just waiting for someone to love it, and you do a much better job than i do.