who ARE you??

so i went out for the first time this weekend since i've been sober. and i don't mean like out of my house, but like out to a club with a bunch of drunk people and surrounded by bars and booze out. i had been 33 days sober and very proud of myself. my 2 BFFs were out too, but one left after dinner. but still, having one was better than none and she was as supportive as she knew how to be. so i was out and i was trying to enjoy myself, and the only reason i was out was for a friend's birthday. these days i don't even go to most birthdays so when i do, you're pretty damn special. the thing is, clubs haven't changed. the people in them are mostly still young and dumb. are they sluttier? i'm not sure because my view on the world has changed between when i was those people to who i am now. maybe i was a major hoe-bag and i just didn't see it that way because it was me. so now that it's them, maybe they're not more or less slutty than me, i just happen to think that they are because i've become sober, older, and totally judgmental.
i digress. this isn't a post about how much clubs suck and how lame it was and how it really wasn't that fun. this is a post about how i was being sober and sticking to my guns despite people trying to tell me that "having one would be okay - just one!"
the thing is, having one is not okay. having one is completely moot. having one is redundant. i ask you - what is the point of having ONE? you can't get buzzed off one. one is like having none. you might as well not then. maybe there are people who have one and do get buzzed. or have one and it's like whatever. but i'm not those people. i'm the person who drinks for the effect that it has on me. i want to drink until i get to the point where it feels awesome. i want to feel like i can do anything and have a great time and i'm on fire. one doesn't feel awesome. one means that i might have a stomachache tomorrow, my sleep is unsound and resets to before the last 33 days, and my desire to drink ten has no reason to not happen. because for me, if i've had one and i'm resetting the counter back to zero, then we're reset - let's go hard. i don't have just one. i have many. that is why having one is not okay.
and you know, most people i see these days get it. they ask me if i want to drink, i say "no thank you i'm sober now" and they shrug and carry on. people who know me better say "good for you" and sometimes i even get a high five. some people might say, "just one?" after the initial rejection, but when i say "no, really, i don't drink anymore" they accept it. but every once in awhile, it's that person that i haven't seen in 5 years. there is a high chance that even before the last 5 years went by, i didn't really hang out with this person. we weren't by any means close friends. we were probably just acquaintances. and in fact, we may have never even seen each other in daylight. and s/he just wants to keep pressuring me. and then they say this:

"not even for me?"

and the only thing i really want to say to them is "seriously? who the !#&* are you??" who says that? what does that even mean? that you, strange person whom i have not seen in years, YOU THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL ENOUGH FOR ME TO FALL OFF THE F-ING WAGON AND RESET MY COUNTER AND RISK GOING ON ANOTHER FIVE MONTH BINGE FOR?? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME????? why not just take a knife and shove it into my liver you stupid ignorant selfish immature hee-haw!
i don't get it. i realize that they haven't seen me so they do not know that i have had some serious issues with alcohol. i get that. but i don't get why they can't just respect me enough when i say that i don't drink anymore to just accept it and move on? i don't get why they think that would mean enough to me to make me take a drink for them. i don't get what goes through someone's head when they so blatantly disrespect me and what i'm saying. i wouldn't walk up to you after 5 years and say "hey, you got fat, you should lose weight for me" why would you tell me to take a drink for you?
people are so stupid.

fatty!! i was so happy to see your name D! hope things are great with you :) and look funksabunch, i'm doing it again! maybe the fine print is making a comeback. thanks for your comments dudes, i really appreciate the sentiment. i don't really get the "i'm sorry" either but that seems to be the thing to say.