150 Days

i am on the brink of 150 days of sobriety. 150 days. on the one hand, i feel like i should be really proud of myself. on the other, it's like, peanuts. plus, i still want to drink. not all the time like i used to, but a lot of the time. when i'm at someone's house and there's a bottle of wine all chilled and pretty and opened and just sitting there whispering, "drink me" and i can't. when i'm involved in wedding planning conversations - not because of the stress or painfulness of wedding planning. that part i can actually deal with. it's the idea of attending a wedding and getting through an entire day without drinking. i have never been sober at a wedding. maybe once actually. that night is blocked out subconsciously though for other reasons that i will not get into here and now. i think i was dying for a drink though. and i left early. so that didn't work out very well. when the canucks lost to the blackhawks in a very emotional game 6 in round 2. man i wanted to drink and drink and drink and not go to work the next day. the canucks were the only thing that provided excitement and made me forget about wanting to drink. until they lost. *sigh. sometimes i want to go out and party, but i don't like partying sober, so i don't do that.
150 days is such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, i'm really feeling like i just don't know what to do with myself. i mean, other than watching my tv shows, watching movies, watching thc canucks play, reading books, and the occassional hanging with friends, i feel like i just have no interest in anything else. i don't want to go anywhere or do anything that requires effort. and that's sad. because i am capable of being more fun than this. and i'm just not right now. sobriety sucks.